Caught on tape

This video is probably going to be many things to many people.

There are a few parents who will literally breathe a sigh of relief to know it's not just their kids. Sometimes, the way our children hold on to an obvious lie can cause us to really think that maybe WE are going crazy. This is actually just one tiny example of the thousands of episodes we have had in our home.

Thousands.

For other families, I truly hope you are shocked by the change in my daughter from the beginning of the video to the end. Maybe your child just simply cannot and will not regulate that quickly. Maybe not ... at all? That is okay. Just see that it is possible. Let this be your motivation to keep going. Remember, this is the child who has assaulted me with a rock, and required a call to the sheriff's office just within the last few months. Yes, she played stupid, but she did NOT escalate to the point of becoming a danger to anyone, and when I started to see the signs she actually let me help her.

Read it again: she. let. me. help. her.

And finally, may everyone else who does not have traumatized children in their home understand just a little more. It probably seems ludicrous ... ya' know ... cause it is. But now imagine this type of thing happening at the breakfast table, when it's time to get dressed, while loading up everyone in the car, during times of picking up the house, definitely during individual chores, perhaps while playing with others, throughout getting ready for bed ...

Every day.

365 days a year.

Mar has been my daughter for approximately 604 days, and I cannot recall one of those 24-hour periods when she has not had a moment of feigning ignorance or manipulating in some way. Not one single day. Yet other things HAVE changed, and I believe this can too. I refuse to give up.

REFUSE!

So, take it in whatever way it can help you. Mar shares it, as well. There are lots of cuts and skips because 1) I didn't want it to be a half hour long, and 2) I don't share everything. I just don't. She still needs a significant amount of privacy, and I'm her mom. I get to decide that for her. I chose what to cut and what to leave.

So there. :)

"Sometimes when we've run out of hope, what we've really run out of is patience." Emilie Barnes

There can be healing, Gosh DARNIT!

Just as an example at how far Rocky has come with his healing: today he was to do things for me all day (it's our way of putting kindness back where you heaped hurt). He did every. single. thing. correctly and quickly the first time. THEN, he would find me and ask, "Mom, do you have something else for me to do?" He was not belligerent at. all.

This is the child who, 1.5 years ago would threaten my life and jump out of his skin if I did something as simple as gently touch his shoulder.

This morning I had a big discussion with the kids about an ex-boyfriend from high school who is now a registered sex offender. I tell the kids all the time that my goal is to release them into the world ... into life. I should constantly be preparing them to leave me. So, I try very hard to use consequences that mimic real life (on their age/emotional level, of course). Told them how my friend worked his keister off in prison and was released at his first hearing. He earned it. Then, he kept working hard during his period of parole, and has never been in trouble since. He deeply regretted his mistake, but did not stay stuck in the guilt, or allow it to turn into anger or bitterness. Rocky was able to make the comparison - that his actions when he is making restitution do not go unnoticed - good or bad.

And he was so beautifully respectful. I think he actually had a good time. Ya' know, my dirty laundry excluded. I honored his efforts with some really nasty leftover McDonalds Michael brought home this week. He LOVES stuff like that, and it is a major treat in this house. He was very kind and very thankful. He truly regrets how he treated me.

Now, we all know Mar is still Mar. Yet, I want to point out something I actually pointed out to HER tonight. She had a terrible day. It's the holidays. Rocky tanked yesterday. The moon is sitting a certain way in the sky and the wind probably changed directions. She is in a total funk. HOWEVER, after having to go spend some time in the field to cool off (after knocking our marker/pencil box across the room - just fyi: she has a GREAT arm!), I asked her to come in and sit down on the couch near me so we could be knee-to-knee. She did just that. I was pulling off my boots and looked up, and she was looking directly at me. It hit me, "Um, Christine? When is the last time you have praised her and helped her to see this MASSIVE change from 1.5 years ago??" You see, she doesn't FLINCH at eye contact. She PREFERS eye contact. I don't even know the last time I had to ask her to make eye contact.

When she came to join her family, she would literally begin to sweat when we asked her to look at us on our terms. Her breathing changed. Her hands started to curl up. She would rub her skin and pick at her clothes.

Tonight, she just plopped right down and engaged me with her eyeballs. I took a moment to razz-a-dazz-a-ding-dong the HECK out of that. I forget to celebrate the healing. It can be so gradual I sometimes forget to notice.

The holidays can be rough for our kids. Mar has actually lost a birthday in the past, before she came to us. She still wonders if she could be horrible enough for US to take away her birthday ... or Christmas. This is her pattern. I keep saying, "Babe, you can't lose Christmas, but feel free to try. I can't stop loving you, and I'll be crazy about you if you try to ruin it or if you try to make it great. Whatever. I'm not going anywhere."

Lather, rinse, repeat.

I also know that my kids received some very severe abuse and confusion about family and permanency in a place which had extreme winters. There is a colder nip in the air lately. Walking outside and having the wind hit their face can very well take them right back to that place internally.

So, they're dealing with a cornucopia of triggers right now. It's always this way around the holidays, but never as worse as (fill-in-the-previous-year). Healing continues to happen. Sucky days still suck, but there are steps forward, and that is a reason to celebrate.

Now, before I go to bed and pretend I'm sleepy, let me throw in a few thoughts on the whole narcissism stuff from yesterday. First, I am sad to read how very little there is out there on HEALING narcissism, as well as Oppositional Defiant Disorder. What little is out there would not be effective for children with attachment disorder (thank you, Amazon reviewer, for talking about the sticker-chart suggestions in the book, so I could move along! heh. heh). Yet, today I ran across an article by someone who treats adults. In discussing their "unusual" approach, they said the narcissistic behavior is actually a facade to cover up what is typically feelings of loneliness and worthlessness.

I was thinking, "Um, REALLY?!? And this is unusual thinking for professionals?!?"

Because every parent of a traumatized child can clue you in on that. In fact, the bigger the reaction, the more we know they feel desperate to cover/hide/protect themselves.

I sat down and discussed it with Mar tonight. I read it to her and asked her thoughts. Wanted to know if she thought this guy was loony. She did not hesitate to agree with him (again, with the celebrating!). It was a perfect segue into having a discussion of her first years of life, and what they would have looked like if she had been born from my womb. I have started this discussion before, per our therapist's suggestion, but she did not want to have it. Tonight, she ate it up. We had a very good time together. She was able to connect the dots and understand WHY she would have feelings of loneliness and no self-worth.

She still had no intention of doing her spelling work correctly, but you kinda' have to put everything in its place and in perspective. The whole reverse psychology snapped her out of it yesterday, but not today. Yet, today, she verbalized her life in a way she has not before.

Healing. Progress.

Refresh yourself and stay with it. Take a break. Rejuvinate. Then just keep loving the crap right out of them.

Literally.

When you're google searching "narcissism"

Maybe this will sound weird. In fact, I know it will, BUT ... it seemed easier when Mar was on the far end of RAD. I've had to balance Rocky all along, and figure out how to move forward since he was already ... well, MOVING FORWARD. When they are just radically unattached, the "what" is pretty easy. It is hard and painful, but you don't have to spend anytime wondering, "Hmmm, was that genuine?" Because it absolutely, positive was not.

If nothing else, that part is easy.

Yet now, my Mar is attaching. She is feeling. She is reasoning more and more. She has glimmers of cause and effect thinking. When she regresses, she doesn't immediately return to a 4-year-old emotional level. Sometimes she actually stays somewhere on the same planet as a 10-year-old emotional level. So, I'm juggling my thinking and approaches much more.

Not so much for that being the easy part.

When reading Mar's origianl diagnoses from the therapist she saw before we were even on her radar, I kinda' chuckled. RAD and ODD. Once she came home to us, I laughed out loud. I kept thinking, "Is it even POSSIBLE to have RAD and not have almost every. single. symptom. of ODD??" heh. heh. Yet, now, it's not quite so clear.

The one "biggie" which still manifests itself in her life is self-importance, also known as a sense of entitlement, or what some like to call narcissism ... there is also the Facebook comment from my friend, Scott - "Pathological Narcissistic Disorder or garden variety selfish turd?"

Rocky still battles this one some, but you can't even consider it a "thing" compared to how engulfing it is with Mar. It eats her alive. I have been trying to dissect the true feeling behind it. Sometimes it is because she believes she should not have to follow any rule or honor any authority, ya' know, because her life has sucked. Other times it is about power and control, and the insane lack of those things she has ever had over her life. Throw in a dash of puberty and a slice of "I just don't LIKE doing that," and you find yourself scratching your head, trying to get to the root of it.

That's where we find her suffocating less and less from Reactive Attachment Disorder and clinging more and more to the Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Call it all what you will. What it breaks down to is this: she really, really, really does not want to do some things and really, really, really hates the feelings associated with those things, and she is not convinced her family is worth doing them despite the feelings.

I spent last night learning more about narcissism. I also read about some opposing approaches to cognitive behavior therapy. There are some professionals who have backed away from the typical replacing hurting thoughts with healing thoughts, and instead having their patients embrace the negative thoughts and move through them (that is a VERY abbreviated and VERY-probably screwed-up description). Fell asleep looking through everything.

This morning Mar comes bouncing out of her room. She had gone on restriction the night before. We have had lots and lots and lots of restriction, so she knows exactly what is and is not okay. She was to wait for me to come to her. It was her way of saying, "Yeah, so you spent twenty minutes with me at bedtime and we connected and all that, and I want to see if you'll just be happy with said connection and blow off this whole restriction thing." Sent her back to her room. As I was fixing breakfast, a thought hit me.

Called her into the kitchen. "Ya' know, Mar, you are not, ever, just going to wake up one day and WANT to be a family girl. When it happens it will be very slow, just like every other change you have made. You won't just walk in one morning and want to honor me. It's not a light switch. So, in the meantime, just be selfish."

Very funny look on her face.

"Do just enough to stay off restriction. Anytime you think you might possibly be pleasing me, look me straight in the eyes and remind me - 'I'm not doing this for you - I'm just doing it to get what I want.' Only do what you have to do to get what you want. Be selfish, selfish, selfish. And if you want an hour on restriction, then you know exactly how to make that happen."

And she did it.

About every 15 minutes, I would say, "Tell me, Mar!" and she couldn't keep a straight face saying, "I'm not doing this for you - you're not worth it anyway!" Lots of giggling.

Go figure.

So it went all day. She was able to play to her heart's content all afternoon. She did clog the toilet (that's an old trick of her brother's and she never has paid attention to how we handle that ... poor thing). "Well, honey, when you clog up the toilet, you get two plastic bags." *quizzical look on her face* "Use one as a glove, so you can reach down in there and break up the poo and the toilet paper. Then, you can take it off and put it in the other bag."

Let's just say I don't expect her to EVER do the toilet clogging thing again. It also nipped it in the bud for Rocky months ago. For some reason, it loses it's flare when you have to literally clean up your own crap.

There you have my very random backward thinking on the narcissism. I did say, "I don't ever want to ask you to lie. So, if you have no desire to honor me and are just doing it to be selfish, then by all means - say so!"

Yet, she said it all day behind smiles and laughter, and at noon told me - in a whisper - that she really did do it for me, too.

*insert screeching tire sound here*

Just so you don't think we had a GREAT day, Rocky had a major blow-up. Gave him the opportunity to own up to something he did several days ago. He knew there would be a consequence, but didn't bother to think just how many MORE consequences there would be if he started huffing and puffing and yelling and threatening and saying gosh-darn ugly things about his mother.

He has a lot of kindness to pour back into me now. I will have some very clean floors this week. Am typing this from Jason's Deli, because my husband let me run away. A woman deserves such love after hearing her child scream across the RV park that he would rather live with his abuser than with me.

Lovely.

I can TOTALLY see through that and I know it was just said to hurt me (which it didn't, because it's ludicrous), but it does get old after the first 200-300 times you hear it.

Thought you'd all like to know, I didn't get off easy today! :)

P.S. - I welcome any and all thoughts/therapies/approaches/ideas/magic potions for dealing with the enflated sense of entitlement. This one will be one of the last to go, and it will not go quietly ...




(photo by Kenson Lai)

Magical Milk Pic-o-the-Week

(big thanks to cory, Flickr stranger, for asking his wife's permission so I could post this pic - isn't it GREAT - so candid)

Boing! Boing!

First, before I forget, check out Rachel's stuff at Pieces of Hope Designs.

She let me know that this one was partly inspired by my insanity:



Met her at a party of a mutual friend last year. She was the only person there wearing a surgical mask. I thought it was very cool of her to have such an amazing conversation starter. ;) Made the most INCREDIBLE salsa/corn/bean dip stuff, and asked how it tasted ... because she got her nutrition through a tube. She loves to cook for others, even though she could not enjoy it herself. Yeah, I wanted to get to know this chic. I talked to her about my traumatized children, and she was completely and totally engaged in the conversation and has a heart for kids and, and, and ... Rachel is quite an amazing person. Check her out.

Okay, on to my drivel.


Yesterday we finally went over and invaded our neighbor's place. Richard is the wonderful person who brings us raw milk and eggs, etc.. He waited to collect eggs for the day, so the kids could do it. They ran around with the chickens, and enjoyed his kitten.

His place is the epa-center of where Belmont, Texas used to thrive. So, literally, you find artifacts under each and every step you take. It is AMAZING! Truly causes you to stop and imagine all those who have lived out here before you.

And Richard is wired again, so he reads my blog. Everyone say, "Hi, Richard!"





























The surprisingly best part of the visit? He had an old pogo stick in his garage he sent home with the kids. Guess who kicks ars on said pogo stick? Mar. Forty-five bounces in a row! SUCH GREAT BRAIN THERAPY (for free), and she loves it and begged to get out there on it immediately after waking up this morning. Her limbic system is in HEAVEN.

Happy Monday.

Boing! Boing!

There is no pill for RAD

Mar is at a big crossroads. I realize I haven't talked much about the RAD residual (look at me, coming up with new catch phrases). The reason being she has made some amazing strides, and I wanted to wait for her to have a bad day before I said anything.

Twelve days in a row without restriction. Two of those were normal school days. I honestly cannot remember the last time she has done two full normal days of school without sabotage.

Of course, today when she finally just kept doing things wrong deliberately, she became very upset when I asked her to head to her room. Later, after school and after she was more regulated, I looked at her with surprise and said, "Darlin' you have this all backward. You are UPSET! Don't you realize what you just did? You went twelve days being a family girl. You spend two STRAIGHT days honoring me as your mother and teacher. For heaven's sake, you NEED a break. Let your sweet heart and head rest. And celebrate!!"

Let me rewind. First *insert long, boring disclaimer here about me not being a doctor and how you should always check with your therapist or doctor before doing anything some crazy lady talks about on the internet, no matter what HER doctor says* we have started Mar on Niacin (vitamin B-3). We have considered it before, but I really felt like we should wait longer, until we had worked through a few more layers. Ya-da-ya-da-ya-da ... for her, at this point in her healing, it has been very helpful.

Very.

I have seen a marked improvement. It is hard to explain, but it seems to be helping just enough with her emotions (depression/anxiety) to help her ACCEPT our help.

Not a magical pill, by any means, but she obviously was deficient and needed the supplement. I always knew it was a possibility, but again - so many layers to my child's existence. We needed to do plenty of filtering first, and then see if it was still a need.

So, my daughter is trying. She is really, really trying. Yet, it is so very hard for her to give it all up. It is so very hard for me to watch her cry real, very soft tears over how scary it is ... and how badly she wants to do it. Today I made her repeat (yell) after me, "THIS IS NOT FAIR! I DID NOT MAKE ME THIS WAY! WHY DO I HAVE TO DO ALL THE WORK TO GET BETTER? WHY MEEEEEE????"

I knew yesterday that her streak was over. She woke up sweating. The excessive farting started (haven't had that in at least six months), some inappropriate talk was hinted at and she cracked her knuckles. That used to be one of her big things in the very beginning. It was a way for her to bug people. It has been approximately a YEAR since the knuckle thing went away. I could see it - she just couldn't STOP with the controlling things, and was bringing in old stuff to fill the void.

It's her addiction. So, tonight we talked about some ways to break up restriction into smaller doses, to increase her chances at succeeding. We also came up with a really fun way to let her have some CRAZY, more grown-up control if she makes it a whole day without an hour on restriction. She will actually have an evening with no bedtime. She will be in her room, and will have total control on when/if the lights go out and when/if she goes to sleep.

Now, I know that she will receive a melatonin on those evenings to help settle her from all the grown-up excitement, and will eventually konk out. I know she will stay up later than normal and be cranky the next day. I know I will pay for it in some way. But WOW - that was the first time in 48 hours that her body and face finally softened. She does feel completely stripped of any sort of power and control in her life. To know that we recognize that, and are willing to meet her halfway and reward her pushing through the fear ... needless to say, she liked the idea.

Flip over to Rocky, who is currently sleeping in the laundry room. Bless his heart - just can't seem to keep that pee where it belongs. He has so much anger from the abuse he experienced. So, we're working through that and trying to give him more tools to succeed. It's strange having them both really trying hard to move forward. That's a definite first. One of them has always been attempting to sabotage the other. They are both actively trying, AND Mar is actually giving it a bit more effort lately.

Do you see them? The pigs flying? Aren't they cute?

We all watched Biggest Loser together this week, and at one point Jillian yelled, "FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY!" Rocky and Mar both looked right at me. We exchanged smiles.

So, it's all really good news, but I am oh so exhausted. This has taken hours and hours and hours of helping them walk through all of this. I'm glad I got my day off last Sunday, because I have been blowing and going emotionally ever since. Any of you who have had a child in therapy know exactly what I'm talking about. Therapeutic talks and activities and interactions are vital, but they suck the energy right out of you. Amazing how something so physically inactive can cause you to feel as though you've finished a triatholon.

Remember, the only thing harder than parenting our kids is actually being our kids.



(photo by Rodolfo Clix)

7 people - 7 days - healthy food - $140

I haven't talked about our diet in a long time. I know, for some people, you just don't think you can eat well AND cheaply.

Pish-posh, I say!

I went to HEB last night. Spent $140 (and almost every single thing I bought was organic!). This will last us seven days. Besides some raw milk on our granola, this week happens to be pretty much vegan.

7 Days of Breakfasts:

*carrot muffins
*yogurt twice (plain, bought in large containers to save $$, and I'll blend in frozen berries)
*lazy granola twice (this week making it with Fiber One cereal, oats, milled flaxseed, sunflower seeds and 60% dark chocolate)
*will be trying Sara's Banana Nut Muffin recipe (sans the nuts, so Presh doesn't barf or die).

7 Days of Lunches:

*sandwiches (homemade bread in the bread maker, and sandwich fixins include: avocado, tomato, organic/natural peanut butter, all-fruit spread, arugula, soy cheese slices, thinly sliced bell peppers)
*Build-a-Salad (spinach or arugula, corn, shredded carrots, soy cheese, black beans, sliced peppers - whatever the neighbors bring by this week)
*Chips, homemade salsa and vegetarian refried beans
*green smoothies twice (pineapple, frozen berries, water, whatever other fruit we want to throw in, and a bunch of spinach - probably some milled flaxseed or wheat germ for good measure, or at the very least the kids will sprinkle this on top)
*quick quesadillas
*two days we will have leftovers, depending on when they start to stack up in the fridge

Every day about 3:30 pm, everyone can grab some fruit for a snack. It's what we do. It's our "thing," if you will.

7 Days of Dinners:

*green smoothies twice, and probably some homemade bread or something on the side
*black bean burgers
*root veggies with whole wheat pasta (I'll simmer some root veggies - DEFINITELY some sweet potatoes - until tender, also throw in some garlic and onion and canola oil - will probably throw on some diced peppers or something that is raw, once everything is cooked and combined)
*brown rice with veggies (will add some herbs and spices to the broth when I cook the rice, may or may not steam the veggies depending on what I choose to throw in there)
*leftovers two different nights. By the last night, we do a big smorgasbord of "whatever." It's very "waste not."

Granted, I did already have some things I needed: flour, honey and such. Yet, I was out of olive oil. The more expensive items all tend to average out.

There ya' go. Totally doable.

Magical Milk Pic-o-the-Week

(photo by Dallas Ann - check out her post on unweaning)

Go find your Willie, before the sun sets

My Sunday's have changed drastically.

They were once always the same. It started the night before, laying out clothes for the kids. Michael was in charge of ironing. At some churches, he would have to get there early on Sundays. Those were the times I wanted to kill myself. Getting all of the kids ready by myself. Fed, changed, whatever. Getting myself ready. Making sure I had whatever I needed to sing/play guitar/teach.

When he became a pastor of an institutional church, he refused to go to church on Sunday mornings without his family. We all got there a bit early, but always with him. Always. He rode with his family. None of this getting-there-early-to-prepare/pray/hide from the children stuff. I cannot begin to explain how much I respected him for that decision. It made his life harder. He put us first. Amazing.

Now, Sunday's are never the same. Last week I visited a church in Austin, while my husband was at home with the kids. Sometimes we gather as a family on Sundays. Sometimes we gather on other days. Sometimes we sing together. Sometimes we read together. Sometimes Michael is filling in for a pastor somewhere in the area. Sometimes we go with him. Sometimes we don't. Sometimes we have guests arriving at the park. Sometimes you can hear the crickets chirping.

Today, Michael is at a church about 90 miles away. The rest of us are just chilling. Rocky was headed down to use the park restrooms (because of a recent dialoguing-with-pee episode) when Willie stopped him. Sent him back down to our house with a styrofoam cup to see if I had any coffee. Poured him some and told Rocky to tell him I spit in it. Watched him out the window as they laughed together.

Twenty minutes later, the kids are yelling that Willie is back. That's my clue. Willie just needed to hang out with someone today. So, I headed out back with my cup of coffee and sat on the steps so we could talk, and he could smoke.

So it went for about the next hour. Since we've moved into the house, our interactions are not so constant. I'm glad he showed up to let me know he just needed to connect. Granted, it can be tough. The cigarette smoke always gives me a headache. He had a lot of drainage today, and he does not use kleenex. I mean, why would you waste trees when you can just depress one nostril and blow out the other side just fine ... without even breaking your conversation?

And then, there is the hacking and hacking and ... yeah ... upchucking of coffee a few times. Again, without even breaking conversation.

It was the conversation that pushed me through the desire to dry heave. We talked about family and the holidays. Talked about God, and drinking, and sobriety. Had a very fiery exchange on legalizing marijuana (fiery, because we both agree it should be legal, and were going off on the nimrods who still make it their crusade). Which led to talks about his constant pain in his legs. Why he quit drinking. What his life was like before, and how now - even in the weathered body and upchucking and scraggliness - his life is so much fuller and brighter and enjoyable.

There is nothing ... no program, no curriculum, no order of service ... which can replace the connection of two humans. So, if you did a lot today, but forgot to do the most important thing ... connecting ... go find your Willie before the sun sets.

Oh my cow. That's the official welcometomybrain.net t-shirt!

"Go find your Willie, before the sun sets."

Cafe Press ... I'm on it!

UPDATE:

You can mock me if you want. I will completely understand.

The Official T-shirts of "Welcome to my Brain Dot Net"