Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Depression Obsession

Tomorrow marks the end of the depression study of which I've been a part. It has been twelve very interesting weeks. I will spend tomorrow morning peeing in a cup, matching flashy objects on a computer screen, and throwing a new bottle of pills in my purse ... and then I guess I'll go to my appointment! Ba-dum-bump! Ching!

I've learned a lot about depression. I've also learned a lot about me. My guilt over seeking treatment is gone, because I have been helped by my medication. Several weeks ago I had an a-ha moment when I realized I felt better ... which meant I really was bad before. I just forgot what I could feel like.

I still have some side effects. You have to weigh your options with that. My good has been beating out the bad. I've also realized that this is something I'll be dealing with. Even if I went off my meds and was staying at a good level, my chances are monstrous that it would return. Granted, my depression and anxiety could have been worse. I have been blessed not to want to jump off a cliff (throw someone ELSE off a cliff - YES, but myself - NO!). However, I had become the queen of hiding my problems, which only compounded them inside of me. My stuff inside my head gets "off." This medicine helps it line up again. It makes me feel better, it makes me think better and it makes me want to participate in the world again.

Now, instead of forcing myself to be around friends, because I feel guilt that people will think I'm a recluse ... I actually WANT to be around them! I don't have weird little 30 second bouts of "I think I'm about to cry!" followed by "What the heck was that?" My anxiety ... well, now I get normal parenting anxious-type feelings, instead of breaking out in a cold sweat at the thought that someone at church threw up the night before and might have possibly brushed past someone in my family on Sunday allowing the germs to leap from shoulder to shoulder which would surely cause someone in my home to throw up in the next several days so I should start on a strict regimen of easily digestible foods only until the viral incubation period of five days has passed all the while getting on my knees and begging God to spare us from the virus so that please oh please oh please God no one will barf.

That was then. This is now. Now is good. Now is not a happy pill - not even a permanent "happy place." It's just life. Normal life. It's good.

3 comments:

HolyMama! said...

good for you! go pee with pride!

I'll pop my pill and look forward to my graduation too!

Celena said...

That's the best, the time when you figure out "Hey, I actually feel 'Normal' today!" I had that feeling too when I was on an SSRI, and that was the time when I figured out that it was really working!

Leann said...

I will admit it here, to you, possibly to some who do not know it but the posts I have started on this topic have gone unpublished...

I struggle every day of my life with depression. I have avoided meds and tried lots of other holistic things, which have been very helpful when I am consistent in using them, and have swung back and forth, in and out of stages of depression. I am so going to blog about this at some point but just have not had the right words to put it out there. Not to mention that my mother reads my blog and she has been in depression denial for her whole life so she would not appreciate my analysis. ;)

Just know that I get where you are coming from...