I was going to post this earlier in the week. Sorry. I forgot.
Last Sunday I had one of those mornings where I got out the door without breakfast. I had a big glass of spice tea and then dashed off with the fam.
So, I'm at church, scrambling around with my guitar and music. I'm looking for my capo. I can't find my CAPO! After a minute or two, I remember where I had set it a few moments before and breath a sigh of relief.
Too late. The nervousness had done it. I had to poop.
Pooping ANYWHERE in public is never fun, but when you attend a small church and have to unload, well ... ugh.
There's the little bathroom upstairs. That's out of the question. It's a one-seater and right by the adult Bible study classes. Yeah ... that's not happening.
Your only option is the nice big bathroom downstairs. It was empty! WHOOO! HOOO! So, I settle in and get to business (I have a gift, mind you - I am the fastest pooper on the PLANET!). Well, as I'm just about ready to flush ... someone comes in!
"Dear God ... let it be old lady shoes. PLEASE, let it be old lady shoes!" You see, older women don't give a crap if you're ... er ... crapping. Heck, they don't care if they have to stink it up. They've got more important things to worry about.
No, I was fearful that it was one of my peers. Let me clarify: I was fearful that it would be one of my peers that would take great delight in razzing the pastor's wife for YEARS about her giant, smelly turds (yeah, you know who you are!).
Crisis averted. It was old lady shoes. So, I just waited. I didn't want to have to sit and visit at the sinks while spraying the air freshener. "My, *pppsssshhhh* that's a lovely brooch. *pppssssshhhhh* It goes so nicely with your *pppsssshhhhh* scarf."
She finishes. Flushes. And leaves.
Just leaves!
Didn't wash her hands!
Suddenly, I'm feeling really great about my smell.
14 comments:
So funny. When I have to use a public restroom I flush constantly so the smell isn't as bad. LOL!
What I hate about using a public restroom is when the toilet water splashes back up and hits me in the butt! Eww; so gross!
First, thanks for stopping by my blog today!
Second, I loved this post! The ending? Priceless.
Third, many props to you, cause I refuse, really truly refuse, to go #2 on a public toilet! My germ-a-phobia just can't handle it, and my thighs aren't strong enough to hover over the seat that long!!!
I love it! This was like so many discussions I have had with my three brothers!
I have been enjoying your blog since you stopped by mine (thanks, btw)...it's always a treat reading your posts.
I HAVE noticed that older people dont seem to wash their hands much,even after restroom stops.
WHAT is that all about???
BTW..I am 52 so older may be different to me than you. :)
And I DO wash my hands...as in an ocd type way.(I work in early childhood, so that's an incentive!)
HA! That's funny.
I would define "older" as: EXTREMELY comfortable shoes, shuffling of the feet, and taking more than a full five seconds to get up from a seated position! ;)
So funny, especially the imitation of spraying air freshener while talking to the old lady (if you had had to do that).
You didn't mention if you coughed loudly as you dropped your turds to cover the sound. Oh wait, that's me...
Too Funny! I just hate it when nature calls & you're not in the privacy of your own home! Even then I want extreme privacy!
I did think of you tonight while at our church & walked into the bathroom there. Apparently the user before me had made a big stinky!! WOW was it bad! Unfortunately they didn't use the cover up spray! Bad call!! =O
ROFL!!! I'm reading "they have more important things to worry about...and all I could think of was "Like dying?" HAHAHA
Thanks for the laugh!!
Oh my...I can't stop laughing!!! You bet your cinnamon rolls that I'll be reading your blog from now on!
~Tammy
Oh, gosh, can I tell some weird tales. First of all, I'm SO jealous that you have such a joyful bowel. Pregnancy is killing me and I couldn't be more full of it.
OK, I plug my ears and close my eyes when I have to poop in public. I figure, if I don't hear how loud the plops are (used to be), or if my toots are making sounds, I don't know how embarrassed to be.
When I was in college I always pooped in the library bathroom. There was never anyone in there. I always went out of my way to find that bathroom!
If I'm in the toilet and someone else is tooting up a storm, etc., I hurry the heck out of there so they won't see me and know that I heard them. LOL.
Everybody poops (well, ecxept me), so why is it so humiliating?
Once I went 24 hours without peeing because I was on a long bus ride with drinkers getting sick in the bathroom. I tried to eat a lot of tortillas to soak it up in my system. That was the worst! Gun shy ever since.
So funny, Christine.
Oh my dear Cinnabuns how I wish it were me that had busted up the poo-poo party! I need one of those laugh your self silly moments..... there is always next Sunday, I'll let you make it up to me!
Oh, if I had known it was you, Nose Candi, I would have taken off in a dead sprint with my pants around my ankles, just so you couldn't take a pot shot (no pun intended!).
I'm thinking that p'haps your dear old lady friend said this to her hubby when she made it back out to the pew, "Gwaw! Someone stank up the bathroom so bad I couldn't wait to get out! Germs shmerms, just get that smell out of my nose!"
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