If I didn't have kids ...

Ugh. Doc. It's one thing to spur me to think. It's another thing to make me REALLY think ... and come up with more questions than answers.

"What would you be doing right now if you didn't have kids?"

We'll start with the easy answer! Let's pretend that I'm self indulgent Christine, married to "all about me" Michael. We would be serving in some big church in the Dallas area. Michael would have worked his way up - which just means that we would keep looking for bigger churches and bigger salaries. I would be working somewhere in the church, as well, ya' know, to make sure his ministry assistant isn't too hot, and that the other hot ministry assistants keep themselves in their own cubicles.

I would be taking private guitar lessons so I can join a worship band. I would wear brand new t-shirts that are made to look vintage. I would only do the "green" things that are in vogue. I would have Tivo. I would pay money to get pedicures and manicures that keep a natural nail look. I would get my hair done at Toni & Guy. I would be a regular at Cafe Brazil. I would be on a first name basis with Shane and Shane.

"Hey, Shane. Hey Shane."

We would live in a loft downtown. How do I know this? Because when we lived in the Dallas area we would drive by these really amazing lofts and say, "If we didn't have kids, we would TOTALLY be living there!" Shane & Shane would bring over all of their other little musical Shane friends, hang out in the loft, and jam. When the neighbors complain, we would say, "Jesus loves you!"

We wouldn't have any pets, either. That would involve self-sacrifice, and we don't do that in this egotistical little world we're conjuring up right now! Come on, stay with me.

This whole scenario makes me look like a total jerk. Not just because I'm saying I am selfish and mocking the whole "contemporary" Christian scene (alright, partly because of that), but because I'm implying that people without kids are all selfish.

Quite the opposite is true.

This whole little exercise is kicking my butt. I have absolutely no idea what I would be like without kids. I have always - always - known that I would be a parent. Since grade school, I knew that I would adopt one day. So, whether or not I would ever have kids squeeze out of my body wasn't a question. I KNEW I would have kids one way or another. When I feared the pain of childbirth and my emetophobia would go insane at the thought of morning sickness, I'd think, "I'm just going to adopt!!" When I thought staying home full-time would make me a doormat - kids were still a part of that equation. Children and parenting have been one of the absolutes in my life - no question about it.

Heck, on my days that I have totally doubted the existence of God, I have never questioned whether or not I am to parent.

Yes, I just said that out loud. Take a deep breath or a hit off your inhaler. You okay now? Alright, let's carry on ...

So, for me to not have children would mean that I would not be able to parent. I would not be able to provide love, safety and/or needs. That would mean I am struggling every single day just to care for myself. How did I get there? How did that happen? Where is my family? Why can't they help? Where are my friends? Is there any way out?

Does anybody care?

Yeah. That's too much to write about. So much so that I need to just walk away and think.

Mission accomplished.


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(photo by Kevin Finneran)