Friday, June 13, 2008

and sometimes you just have to cry

Parenting is tricky.

Parenting well is constant and uphill all the way.

I've cried some this week. I've cried for a myriad of reasons.

Tourettes Syndrome has made its way back for a little appearance. All of my kids are very creative with their acting out and like to vary how life affects each of them. I have two kids with a terrible amount of pain and grief. Its no surprise that when you have to spend time in another home, it's because things have not been good - and you are hurt. My heart breaks to watch them work through this stuff. The anger and regression isn't about me - it's about the past hurt. Yet, it's hard to stay consistent. It's exhausting to always stop first and think about the best approach.

And I cry. I cry because my heart hurts. I cry because I'm tired. I cry because at that moment I want so desperately to parent well and truly make a difference for these kids and yet, in reality, I really just want to throw them in the backyard for four hours and lock myself in the house with some hard liquor. I want to fast forward the pain part for them. I want to make my daughter outgrow Tourettes - tonight. I want to put a voice box on one of my kids that will change the constant whiny voice back into normal voice. I want my five-year-old to to not want so desperately to be just like her older siblings, because she is mimicking every. single. solitary. bad. behavior.

And I cry some more.

Then there is this lull. Most people would never notice it. It's the kind of lull that only a mother with a household of children with issues could detect. There's still lots noise, but the "feel" of the house has shifted. Tempers have calmed. Somewhere, there is a slight hint of serotonin again (just a whiff, mind you, but it's there). And could that be ... huh? Laughter? Is that ... seriously? The 11-year-old is hanging alone with the 5-year-old ... on purpose? Middle son is sewing with two of his sisters?

And they're all wondering what the wonderful smell is coming from the crock pot. I show them the roast. I get the biggest smiles. I get hugs. I get the sweetest, "You're the BEST, Mom!"

And one of them apologizes - unprompted - for something they did earlier.

And I collapse on the sofa, pick up my laptop, and start typing.

And I cry.


Noah Bear said...

I so wish you still lived out here. There's a liquor store two minutes from my house and they sell huge bottles of Malibu. And the only reason I know that is because I've been where you are - and it hurts.
I hate that you're going through this, but I'm so glad you're sharing it. So many people seem to sugarcoat their blogs and it really makes an important difference to see that this stuff - this stuff you're going through - this stuff I'm going through - this stuff that I'm sure is happening to other people right now... well, it helps to know it's normal and that at some point, it will pass.
Hope you have a good weekend. And I will seriously kick your butt if you come down this way again and we don't meet up. :-)

Cheri said...

(((((((((hugs))))))))))) oh my stars those days are the hardest. You just want to give yourself a timeout and let someone else *deal* with it all.

Parenting is both the most fulfilling and the most draining thing I've ever done. And the hard days--they are just hard.

MommaJen said...

oh wow - this sounds remarkably like my week! Hang in there! You are making a huge difference!

Midnite Scrapper said...

Christine, I come to your blog and read every morning. Every morning I am more and more amazed at how real you are. I am a Pastor's Wife and I have many "friends" that are also in ministry. They are not real. Not on the outside anyway. They seem to want to convey this perfect life, with perfect home and children...why? Thank you for being real. These children are so special and you are doing great with them. Thanks for sharing so that we can relate.

Apryl said...

Absolutely perfect description of real life with kids. I've had SEVEN doctor's appointments this week. Loading and unloading children, requiring them to maintain a low's exhausting. But the lull--it's so sweet I can almost forget what we just went through.

Love reading your blog-makes me smile!

Christine said...

I didn't throw in the fact that this would be "the week before" my cycle (or as we like to call it - "hormonal Mommy" week). Double whammy!

Today at lunch a woman questioned my parenting decision with one of the kids. She used a real cutsie voice, "You're no fun!" Then crossed the line, "You're supposed to just ..."

I smiled and ignored the comment, while flipping her off in my head.

LadyBug said...

Oh Christine!

Think of and praying for you!

From knowing you only through your blog I can see you are awesome and an awesome mom to those kids!

Love <3

Rocks In My Dryer said...

Wow. So well said. Every mom I know can relate to those words. Dissolved in a puddle of tears myself, more than once, this week...

Candace Jean July 16 said...

These raw emotions are what make great moms (I've convinced myself). Thank you for sharing and know that many of us have been where you are in some way, shape, or form...and SURVIVED. I'd love to say "when they're in their 20's and 30's it will all be better" but - Its. Just. Different. The tears don't stop, they are merely shed for different reasons. Joy is one of them, be assured, and it usually comes in the morning. Peace to you this evening. Your blog rocks.

TT said...

I love you! And after all these years I'm still amazed by you and so proud!


Btw-Going to Rick's church on Sunday and get to see Rocky's babies for the first time. Yippee!

Amanda said...

it's good to read all of this reality for the future. I heard the phrase "actual reality" yesterday and thought... hmm... we now have to have "actual reality" as well as "reality"? perfect... so thanks for some "actual reality"

Anonymous said...

Late to the game as usual...checking up on your older blog posts after a busy week. As a mom dealing with kids with Tourette's and Anxiety/OCD and lots of other non-labeled goodness, I totally get the gyst behind your post. I don't talk about their issues on my blog because the theme of it doesn't really jive with it, but it sure would be therapeutic if I could sometimes. So yes, like you, I just have to cry. From joy and from sorrow. But that's why God made tears, I guess. Thinking of you today....((((hugs))))