National Adoption Month - Kids from the hard places

I have five children:

One with minor OCD tendencies and transient tics
One with Reactive Attachment Disorder
One with food allergies
One with Tourettes, OCD, depression and anxiety
Another also has Reactive Attachment Disorder

Only three of my kids are adopted.

I tell people that parenting is a crap shoot. I had tics as a kid, but nothing like my Tourettes gal. I can see, in hindsight, how I had anxiety issues and some depression, but nothing that hints at the level with which she deals at her age. More boys have Tourettes than girls, but her biological brother just walks in circles a lot, has to count things in multiples and only occasionally has some tics. He's just ... ya' know ... a little quirky sometimes. It has never altered his life in any way.

Crap shoot!

So, when you make the decision to grow your family through adoption, you will reach a point where the agency hands you a list. You mark off things that you feel that you can parent, things you know you cannot parent, and things you are willing to discuss (every agency does this differently, but that's the basic gist).

Ya' know what two of our easy "no's" were when we first filled out one of those forms?

Food Allergies
Reactive Attachment Disorder

Yup. God was chuckling.

Just because you know that you can't handle a certain issue, disorder, illness or disability now, doesn't mean that you won't be able to at some point.

Just because you don't want to say no to ANY child, doesn't mean that you are the best home for all of them.

First, you need to get very tight with your agency or case worker. You want them to know you well, because they can help you to better determine an appropriate placement for you. While internet research gives you facts, you also want to ask to talk to people that are actually parenting children with these special needs. Before we declined to take a foster placement of a baby whose mother was HIV+, I called my pediatrician. I later discovered that his knowledge was lacking. Had I spoken with people that were either parenting or working directly with children who are HIV+, we would have accepted that placement. Learned that lesson the hard way.

You have to consider birth order. We screwed up birth order all to heck this past year. It was the first thing we considered when we heard about Rocky and Mar Mar. Some people say that you should NEVER adopt out of birth order. Some say it can be done, but you should enter into it very cautiously. Some people say it doesn't matter (and, hands-down, that is a very harmful and uneducated approach to children who need as few kinks in the road as possible). We had to look at who would be affected in our home by this placement. We discussed this at length with the kids already in our home. I talked to many, many families that came together out of birth order (with so many blended families, it is something that a massive chunk of our nation deals with right now - I found a plethora of resources). Can the children that are currently in your home weather the added disruption, on top of having a new sibling? Can you be strong enough to support all of your children through the transition and re-pecking order?

As we gathered information this time around, I knew that one of my kids had already been diagnosed with RAD. My initial fear of RAD that existed was not powerful enough to make me just walk away. I asked a lot (A LOT) of questions. I read everything I could at the time (still do!). I dug around and started talking to families with RADishes. I heard stories of hope, and I heard some really, really rough stuff. My husband and I discussed the things that could go wrong. Sometimes your information is limited, and you just have to pray your butt off and really listen closely to the things God is trying to say through everyone around you. We knew ... we KNEW we were to have Rocky and Mar-Mar in our home. Yet, we were still nervous. We knew it wouldn't be easy.

It's a big job. Kids from the hard places, kids with special needs - they need special parenting. They need parents that will find resources and support. It's not for the faint of heart, but it's not impossible. You sacrifice a lot when you take that step, but ... well, I could never explain the benefits.

One of the greatest benefits I have had from opening my heart and my home to kids with special needs was the change that was required from me. I can't help a child that is hurting emotionally if I have not dealt with myself emotionally. I can't teach a child self-control if I yell. I can't teach a child how to love if I belittle my husband.

I fall on my face a lot. I occasionally have a big, fat pity party. But I never stop trying. I never throw in the towel. I work on me constantly. My kids learn that they can love and trust and grow and change, and they see what it is like to keep moving forward, even on the rough days.

Instead of looking at homes like mine and thinking, "That is freaky scary! I could never do that!" ... look at it this way: "What a challenge! What would I have to do to parent a child from the hard places? How would I have to change? Would God actually ask me to do something like that?"

Some of you will never be able to parent these types of children - not because you are not worthy or strong enough, but because you are already living with obstacles - or you are in a situation where you cannot provide everything they would need. Some of you have spouses that will never get to a place where they can take this kind of step. Yet, everyone can find a way to love and help and support those who do. We all need you.

You know what they say: it takes a village to keep a special needs parent from jumping out a window.


What?

Is that not what they say?




(photo by Astri Lukitasari)

National Adoption Month - Definitely, Maybe!