Thursday, December 11, 2008

Therapy, rupturing cysts - OH MY!

I realize last year I was talking about how I rarely have a cyst rupture, and I can ride them out. Well, screw that! My body is an over-achiever.

Monday night I had the kind that should send you to the hospital ... ya' know, when a person is thinking clearly or has another adult in the house to say, "Babe, your lips are blue. I think you're in shock." Instead, I was yelling to my daughter to call my husband. By the time I finally did, and he finally got home, the make-you-want-to-die pain was subsiding, I could sit up without passing out, and I no longer thought I was actually going to meet my Maker.

Monday I'll go in for an ultrasound (full bladder - hate full bladder ultrasounds, hate full bladder ultrasounds!) to determine if they'll need to send in a post-explosion cleaning crew. If I have a hyper tech, they'll be sending in a cleaning crew because I've wet everything in sight. Would make for a great post, though!

I jest, but I never ... ever ... never, ever want to go through that again. I knew before that the cysts that ruptured were small, because I could tolerate them so well (and I've witnessed friends who have to live through the giant ones). This time though - well, it's time for action.

The day after was therapy for two of my kids. This was only their second time with our new attachment therapist, and I was determined NOT to miss it. Outside of major tenderness, I was good to go. Yet, even on the best of days, a two-hour drive (one way) and three hours of intense therapy will kick anyone's boot. God bless Tulsa and God bless Pei Wei. I needed that. The kids needed a big, full belly after all they went through (one working very hard to open up ... one working very hard not to). I needed honey-seared chicken. Normally, I would have needed Pad Thai with tofu, but I was worried about the spicy factor, and all of the recent activity in my nether region.

I chose wisely.

Sooooooo, therapy. Sarah-Jessica-Parker, have we had some tough days. My kids have not been any worse than they've been "at their worst" with us. However, it is a whoopin' to have to hear and absorb things as a mom. I've had an insane amount of training and required reading over the years, through all of our adoption and foster care stuff. We knew, as much as we could, what we were going to be parenting this time around. Yet, the books don't tell you what it will do to you - as mom and dad - to have to hear certain things and be patient and not want to scream and cry and take all the bad away.

My husband and I have had to openly grieve about some things. We've lashed out at each other, and then we have to just hug and not let go. You have to grieve not being able to go back in time and stop the bad. You have to grieve that the world can be a horrible place, and will continue as such. You have to grieve not being able to be just an "average" family with average rules and guidelines and average behaviors. You have to allow yourself to think about the trauma your children have endured. Then, you have to find a way to stop thinking about it every. single. solitary. second.

So, we have had a week, let me tell you.

I know, I know, "I couldn't do what you do!" Same old song. Yet, I hope you realize, that neither can I. Seriously, there are days when I will do something so practical and therapeutic, and Michael will ask, "Did you read that somewhere?" Nope. The principals of the things I've learned come together in a very practical way, fly out of my mouth, and leave me sitting there thinking, "Where the heck did that come from?" The truth is, I am impatient and tired and depressed many times. And sometimes I really DON'T want to do it. I haven't stopped being human. In fact, I'm gloriously human.

Will let you know if I pee all over the table on Monday.



(photo by owais khan)


15 comments:

CC said...

Hugs, hugs hugs!!!!!

T and T Livesay said...

alright alright ... i will shoulder the blame. SORRY!!!

kristal said...

thank you AGAIN for your transparency. it is such a help, encouragement, and privilege to read.

Diana said...

I'm a lurker coming out of hiding to say that I"m right there with you, my friend. Not on the cyst part - but I have my own southerly issues that are ever so much fun. But the adoption stuff...oh yah, baby. We're walking the walk and pleading for mercy right along side you. Hmmm...do you ever wonder if God sends us to each other to help shoulder some of the burden?

Sara said...

I too get bothered by the "your so strong" comments that I've been known to get....but its not strength. Its not. Its...you either get up in the morning and live...or you don't. Its simple really. I'm so sorry for your pain, and the pain of your RADlings. I do hope, and pray that someday soon there will be a big breath out and steps and leaps can be made in their healing.

Rachel said...

Wow, ouch. What a week for you. OUCH. Have been there with the cyst (I thought I had appendicitis in college; OOPS) and have withstood the peeing (but man I was making deals) and I consider it a privilege to be praying for your family.

Thank you for sharing with us. Really, thank you.

Cammie said...

The photo you chose is a PERFECT description of a ruptured cyst!

Praying for you and yor family!

mama d said...

Thank you for, again, posting so honestly. And, a big "ouch!" on the rupture. So sorry to hear you're in pain.

Lawree said...

OMG. Me too. I am doing the exact same thing Monday morning.

Carol said...

I just had to lift up a prayer for you. Just know that He is with you and will get you through this fire. No more 'sploding cysts, Sis!

Hang in there.

Chapter Two Manmi said...

Ouch...I had one in college and thought I was dying until that overwhelming pain subsided and then I so badly wanted out of the ER's ultrasound room.

My kids have only been home for a year and though I don't think they are RADishes, they are attachment challenged. It can be so hard. I appreciate your post and I have been there so many times.

I'll pray as I remember.

K at Chapter Two
p.s. I now live too far from Pei Wei and haven't been there in years but oh how your post made me miss it. Waaaaaaaa.

Hannah_Rae said...

Christine, I found you through looking up strong sitting on youtube, and I am in love with you and your family already. Thank you for your openness...and for being an example of a woman of faith.

-Hannah

Brenda said...

I'll pray for you over the coming days! I hope you don't have to pee. I will never tell you "I could never do what you are doing." : )We lead parallel lives....without the cyst...or the preacher husband...and I don't live in OK....Well our lives have similarities. I'm joking around because I'm feeling your sadness about the stuff you heard in therapy. I can feel it in my gut just reading it. (((hugs))))

lana said...

I did it... I peed the table having one of those stupid ultra sounds.... just so you know...

topsytechie said...

Boy howdy do I hate those dang full bladder ultrasounds. I'm never sure if the cyst pain or the bladder pain is worse, but either way it always makes me have fantasies about scratching out the eyes of the ultrasound tech...