Friday, March 13, 2009

Just MAKE your child misbehave

Did you know you cannot make your child behave?

They have complete control over their choices. They also have complete control over what goes into and comes out of their bodies, but that's another post for another day.

Today one of my healing kids acted on her fear of us giving her away. We discussed the feelings and explained the repair she would need to make. Of course, she was TICKED about that. She did what I asked of her ... then skipped on down the hall ... at which point I had one of those motherly gut feelings.

Sure enough, she had headed into another room and deliberately broke another rule (one that would "punish" me for providing an "effect" to her "cause"). Sooooo, we addressed this new little (really not fun) thing she had done.

I remembered the therapist really emphasizing how we need to be preparing and prescribing the kids' behaviors until we get past April (when we file that the kids have been "abandoned" for a year and we want to finalize the adoption). The kids just can't NOT act out during this time. They are on high alert. There are too many unknowns, and they are terrified something will go wrong.

So ... what to do? What to do?

"I'm guessing you are sitting here scrubbing away while trying to come up with a way to pay me back for THIS consequence."

She smiled.

"Okay. Why don't you?"

"Why don't I WHAT?"

"Pay me back. Punish me. You think of something really mean you want to do, and we'll talk about it. If it's reasonable, I will give you permission to do it and you will not have to make a repair."

They chose to write down some really, really mean things about me. They watched and listened as I read them. They also asked that Dad read them when he gets home.

And then they thanked me. I told them I would try to do this more often. This kid has so much to change, I think it will help to NOT have to stop hurting me when I correct them. Too much on their plate right now to give it all up.

Well, and heck, if they're going to do it anyway ...



17 comments:

Lee said...

Christine, God has given your kids an incredible gift in you.
(((( hugs ))))

I've heard you need to hear 7? 10? positive comments for every negative comment so if anyone would care to join me...

1) Christine is a loving and loyal mom

2) Christine's friends think she ROCKS!

3) Christine has a great sense of humor

4) Christine has amazing creative parenting strategies.

5) Christine doesn't give up.

Christine said...

Lee, you're yummy.

I was telling my husband recently how I would love to host a "Welcome to My Brain" convention. We could all get together at a hotel and hang out for a weekend.

Granted, we're all either broke or dealing with massive issues. So, the blog will have to do for now.

Still ... maybe some day.

T & T Livesay said...

6.) Christine is my favorite internet friend.

7.) When Christine rocks the house - she rocks in all the way down,

8.) Christine swears at time -- something I really love about her.

Stephanie said...

Well I don't really know Christine but I truly respect her dedication. I have become a daily reader of her blog. God Bless you Christine!

Sara said...

9) Christine is one of the most deticated momma's I know.

10) Christine has a heart of gold and a soul of steel.

I can honestly say...I'm not sure I could do that. I hope so very much that you have someone, somewhere (therapist or otherwise) to talk to, unload to and make sure that YOUR healing is being addressed. This is not easy work your doing sweet dear heart. *gentlest hugs*

Jena said...

I realize that I am very, very new here, so I hope it is ok to say this,

11)Christine obviously walks in the Spirit, b/c her parenting strategies are not from this planet
12)Thank God she walks in the Spirit.

happygeek said...

13) In the midst of her busyness raising her family Christine shares her experiences and wisdom with others.
14) Christine relies on her Saviour.
15) Christine rocks a nose stud.

Laura said...

16) Christine's courage and creativity have inspired me on more than one occasion.

17) I have a secret crush on Christine. Don't tell anyone!

18) Christine inspires me OFTEN to be a better mom.

19) Christine has given a home and a momma and a family to children who were in desperate need of those things.

20) Christine is bold and brave and beautiful!

Love you girl!

Diana said...

21) before I even read this post or any of the comments that followed, Christine was nominated for an an awesom blog award over on my blog (link is in my profile). Come on over to claim it.

You come up with some of the coolest parenting strategies. I'm really gonna have to use this one. Thanks for sharing!

MadHatter said...

22)Christine has allowed the rest of us to be real, human and weak. I love that she does not present herself as a super hero. In that weakness, the world gets to see the strength of Christ.

23)Christine, whom I've never met, has inspired me to be a better wife and mom.

24) You do SO rock.

truevyne said...

25) Christine's quest for compassion in the midst of adversity causes me to examine myself and become a better person.

JMT said...

26. Christine's patience and creative parenting is an inspiration.

27. Christine will reap the rewards of her loving mothering later in life!

:)

Kim said...

28. Christine inspires me every day to parent in a creative manner.

29. Because of Christine, my household is more environmentally friendly!

(The best part of this exercise is that all these comments can be printed out and put around your house!!)

Lisa said...

Christine:

is a clever, clever woman.

is funny.

helps me be a better mother.

gives me hope.

gives me great ideas.

motivates me.

thinks outside the box.

TracyC said...

37. Christine gives each of her children what they individually need--not a one parenting style fits all.

38. Christine thinks way outside the box.

39. Christine never backs down, never gives up.

40. Christine makes me feel better about the state of my house. :-D

Being Me said...

41. Christine inspires me to greater understanding of my daughter and myself as we navigate our reunion.

Melodie said...

I would have emailed you but when clicking that option my mac email comes up which I never use and can't even access since my husband has all the passwords to things like that. Anyway, I wanted to ask your permission to use a photo from your June 20, 2007 post of a women nursing covered up with a blanket sitting next to a man on a park bench. In my post am linking my readers back to your page (both the post and your homepage) so they can see where I got it and see your site. I am posting late today so this is what I am going to do and I hope it is okay with you. I am going to use the picture but if you email me back and ask me to remove it I will do so. Thanks.