Thursday, April 02, 2009

Allow me to shoot you with bullets

* Our "runner" cannot yet believe things are not going to change once the adoption is final. Their last adoptive mom was super sweet and sappy during the adoption process while they waited in Haiti. The abuse started as soon as they became theirs "officially" - literally on their first day home. I can understand the fear. They want to do whatever it takes to stop the adoption, wondering if we're just "acting nice" to make them "all ours" ... and then we may change. We are doing lots of tapping and jumps on the mini tramp. No organized school and no chores. We'll play catch up when the corisol drops a bit.

* My other healing kid is reacting BIG time to all of their sibling's behavior and regression/escalation. Not really being ugly or hurtful all the time. Just can't put two words together coherently. Reminds me of ME when Twitchy Mac was in colic hell, and I was battling PPD without medication and hadn't slept in months. I feel their pain (or, more specifically, their brain farts).

* Our sweet Andy-Roon, my middle child, is such a funny duck. He is so very analytical. He assumes everyone wants to know every single solitary detail of the makings of everything he has seen each day. I really do think he'll be an engineer or something. He also will starve to death because it takes him four hours just to make up his mind and ORDER A SANDWICH!!!!!!! Not that I'm annoyed by this ...

* Someone asked me last night if this is worse than we expected, even though we researched our kids' issues and went in with our eyes as wide open as possible to parenting reactive attachment disorder. There is no way to answer something like that without living it. Training is training, but the gross stuff is much more gross when you're dealing with it directly. The behaviors are much more exhausting in real life than in a book or a lecture. Yet, to me, none of that is the hardest part. That's just "stuff." What really gets to me is the constant feelings of love and rejection and pain and sympathy and anger and selfishness ... and it all comes right back around to the love again ... you never stop loving, even when you really, really, really do not like very much the things that they do. They are your children. They are so severely damaged. They are not case studies or words on paper. Nowhere did anyone say, "Here's how you prepare your heart to be beat to a bloody pulp while simultaneously breaking and mourning for the trauma your children endured and continue to suffer through." Nobody tells you this because there is absolutely no way to prepare for such a thing. I expected the behaviors. I am not surprised by the running away and the screaming and the breaking and the icky-ick-ick. These emotions, however, are unlike anything I ever expected.

* We do four-day school weeks and spend the fifth day at therapy (two hours one-way). No therapy this week, so tomorrow is just "off." Can you smell my smile?


Lorraine said...

Yes, ma'am I will keep praying!
For the child who likes to dress in interesting combinations a good friend of mine made her kids big buttons that said "I dressed myself". She made them wear them whenever they went out in public wearing particularly, um intersting outfits. I have to admit I too find the little things in RAD to drive me the battiest, it's not just the actual behavior but the fact that it never stops.

Hannah_Rae said...


I am asking permission to print that last paragraph off and hang it up in my house, in my room, in my office. WOW! What a quote!

Thank you again for being so open and honest.

Lord, continue to give Christine and her hubby your hope for these children, especially Mar Mar. Christine needs your strength, your peace, and your peace some more. Love on her as she loves on these broken little ones.

(eyes tearing up. Maybe it's my sinus infection)



ps. I can't believe Twitch Mac got my joke!?!?!? :)

Christine said...

Hanna, we LOVED your joke. They are my kids ... they "get" deranged. :)

Dinah said...

--Nowhere did anyone say, "Here's how you prepare your heart to be beat to a bloody pulp while simultaneously breaking and mourning for the trauma your children endured and continue to suffer through.'-- I LIKE!!! I GET!!!

And as to the hands...I just did that recently.... same as mom's, right down to the enlarging knuckles & age spots...depressing.

Cammie said...


Once again, I love your openness. I have to say, I don't 'get' it...but I do pray for your sweet family all the time.

I know it is crazy for you and your husband, but poor Mar. How crazy for her. She has been here, she has dreamed of her forever family and she got BURNED! She is testing you out of fear. I get that! WOW!

Blessings to you, my friend!

HomeSchool Mommy said...

We homeschool and are adopting through the foster care system here. We're in Norman, OK. So glad to have come across your blog!

Rachel said...

Wow. That paragraph about how no one can ever tell you how to prepare for this is right. I thought because we had worked with foster children that we were ready. I underestimated how hard it is when it is YOUR CHILD and you love them more than you could explain but they are throwing it back in your face day after day. So hard. Impossible to explain until you've experienced it and then no explaination is needed. :(

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