How Barfy-Girl played out

So, we had Miss "I'm Going To Make Myself Cachewy on Youey" earlier today. She finally asked to use the restroom. I, of course, went with her (these are our public restrooms at the park, and who knows what she might try). She was in shut-down mode, so you keep them close ... or at least in an area where they can do minimal damage.

I love sitting in the restroom with her. She's in a stall, and just sorta' stuck there, and I can just talk and talk and I don't have to see any faces she's making, or if her hands are over her ears, etc. I was going on and on, giving her all sorts of ideas on what she could do with excrement.

Well, SHE started to do the talking. She went into snotty mode. A lot of our traumatized kids do this. Nose in the air. Very holier-than-thou. Variations on the following: "I would NEVER eat my poo. That's disgusting! You're a bad mom and blame me for everything. Lots of kids wet on accident until they're very old. I only wet on accident" (at which point I said, "So, laying in the pee sheets and pee soaked p.j.'s night after night without telling anyone you had an accident ... THAT is an accident and THAT is not gross?" You could hear a pin drop. At which point I did actually declare, "BOO-YAH! GOTCHA!" I know, I know. Not my best moment, but we did pull out of it ...).

She flushes and takes plenty of time coming out. Crosses her arms almost immediately. I stand beside her and said, "Keep going, honey. You have a lot to say." More and more of the same. I started watching her across the room in the full length mirror. Asked her to do the same. She didn't want to. The whole mirror thing really throws off a lot of our kids. Breaks their focus because they see the silly and crazy in what they're doing.

I sat down on a bench and said, "Well, let me tell you what I see. I see a girl who is trying some of the same old stuff because her new little thing didn't work. I see a girl who is saying, 'Mom, I do not want to be a part of my family today. I do not want to play with my sisters and brothers. I do not want to play on the computer. It is more important to me to have pretend control than to enjoy life today. I would rather sleep in the tent, instead of on my nice bed, where I feel safe and close to you and Dad. I know I have tried this stuff for almost a year and a half, and I know I have never, ever, not one single time gotten my way when I tried it. I have run away, and you came to find me - and then you all had pizza without me. I have broken windows and you made me pay for it. I have thrown things, and you told me I should throw more things and harder. I have spit on you, and you rub it into your skin and beg for more." (her expression is changing through this and the REAL MAR is reemerging again) "I cuss at you and Dad and you both just start cussing right along with me. I scream and you sing love songs. I kick and you hug me. I scream about hating you and you keep loving me.'"

Totally softened face at this point, and eyes tearing up.

"Mar, you don't really have major RAD anymore, do you? Do you love me?"

"Yes."

"Do you feel attached to me?"

"Yes."

"You're just still doing all the RAD stuff you've always done. It has never worked for you in your family. For some reason you thought you could do it again. Now, I know it is because of something big. Do you want to tell me where this all started?"

"Well, it was about not getting to go with everyone to feed the dogs the other night."

"Hmmm. That certainly made you upset, but it was a little thing. You do little bad things for the little things that make you mad. This all started with something big. Why don't you go sit down again and chill out. I'll come back in 20 minutes and see if you want to talk about the big thing."

And when I came back, she started to talk about being upset over something which happened AT Build-a-Bear during her birthday celebration.

"Hey, great job, honey. You are talking about something that happened during your birthday stuff. We both know that's still not the big thing."

Walked her through, "What was the big event in your life this week?" (birthday) "What was the crazy thing I did which you obviously did not like AT ALL?" (took us to Build-a-Bear a day early so I could not ruin my birthday) "So, you had a great birthday celebration, and you're ticked I didn't give you ample opportunity to try to screw it up?" (yes) "So, you're just ruining your regular every-days?" (*with an embarrassed smile* yeeeeees)

She rejoined the family. Had a few kinks during the day. We always do. There has never - ever - not been one single solitary day since I have been Mar's mom when she has not done something to be controlling or manipulative. Seriously - not one. So, that's par for the course.

Yet, there was no more pee or puke for the day, and she's sleeping inside with us.

The best part? As we were getting ready to head into town, she was walking to the van and we were being silly with each other, and ... I felt love for her. I hate that it can be such a big deal, but when you have a child constantly trying to make you hate them, you love them, but FEELING love is not an every day occurrence. I think you all get it and sorta' understand it, but it still just feels so very wrong to say out loud. Yet, it is our reality. It's so very far beyond those days when we want to put our kids out with the dogs because they're driving us crazy. For some of us, love truly is a choice on a daily basis. There is very little natural drive behind it. Our children are always working directly against such a thing.

So, when you have those moments, and you WANT to embrace your child and kiss them and be close to them, and it feels warm and it feels good .... oh, you thank God. You know it may not happen again the next day, but in that instant you were "Mom" and she was "my daughter" and it felt good and natural and normal.

And, yes, I'm totally crying right now.