Saturday, September 05, 2009

Ever been hit in the head with a rock?

Well, now I can say I have.

My emotions have run the gamut today. I was sending one of my kids to the tent (our glorified outside "play room"). They were escalating. I was in front of them. They picked up a rock - the perfect rock - light enough to throw hard, but big enough to do a good amount of damage.

Crap, it hurt.

Still does.

I cannot explain all the things I'm thinking and feeling. I'll try, though.

* I knew they were terrified about me leaving for the night on Thursday.
* I did not stop to think just how horrific it was for them to be alone so much with their dad in our trailer.
* I knew where it was all coming from, but didn't just give them the words - I was waiting on them to do all the work.
* I have no idea what it is like to be my child and to have lived their life - I think I might have done worse than throw a rock at my mom's head.
* I spent twenty minutes talking them down, while they grabbed my glasses, pinched/squeezed by boobs, scratched and while my goose egg grew about three inches off my head.
* OUCH (I was thinking that a lot).
* It's very important to me to help them not feel shame, now that they are regulated. Hurting others just makes them sicker.
* Holy hell, I wanted to hit my kid. They immediately ran, which protected me from my own fight/flight response.
* I really don't know how to explain what it feels like to be so angry, and so guilty, and yet so worried for their heart all at the same time.
* I put the rock in a special place to keep. Why did I do that? Why am I crying writing that sentence?
* What if they had knocked me out? What would that have done to them?

As my child was running from me. I said, "You know I'm going to restrain you and take you to the tent where you can't hurt me or yourself again." They actually stopped running and turned around, putting themself in the position to be restrained. In the tent was the gouging and scratching and pinching of boobage and bending in half of the glasses (yes, my favorite, funky glasses). I got nose-to-nose. "What else, honey? What else do you have to do to know I love you? It's okay to do it, because I can't stop. I cannot stop loving you, and I know you cannot stop loving me." I started to cry. THEY STARTED TO CRY - not faky cry, but just a natural welling up of tears.

I was able to get them moving on to something else before I collapsed in my trailer in a heap of crying - wailing ugly cry face. It was feeling the goose egg which pushed me over the edge. I am focusing my rage on those who have hurt my child before. I am focusing my eyes ... well, as best I can after a minor head injury.

I have already talked with our therapist, who has guided us through our day and will be there over the coming weeks. Right now we are in the raw after-stages. We will utilize our resources as we move forward.

I gave my kid permission to be okay, and to be forgiven, and to regulate and know they and I were okay ... because we are. Michael and I are now giving ourselves permission to NOT feel guilty over forgetting the reality of their past, and expecting them to do more than any human could do in their shoes.

I'm also giving myself permission to take more ibuprophen than what the bottle says.

I love my child.

I hate the circumstances which shaped their brain.

And I hate rocks.

Rocks suck.



(photo by Ann Jadne)

22 comments:

Kristen {RAGE against the MINIVAN} said...

Oh wow. I'm crying a little bit reading this, too. I'm glad you have been able to focus your rage where it belogs. What a hard thing to do.

~Christina said...

Christine-
Kudos to you!! Way to go!! You are an amazing Mom- being able to control yourself like that in the midst of you little person's chaos is amazing. To allow yourself to feel the emotions that this creates and still put your daughter's heart first is no small feat by any means yet you persevered! What a blessing that God brought you two together!

Babs said...

You gotta know that God is with you sweetheart because he was ALL over that. Much love your way and much respect too!

Tracey said...

Christine,

Sorry about the third eye. Your ability to size up a situation from the correct perspective always amazes me. Your daughter's heart is in good hands.

B said...

I love you, hang in there and I will say extra prayers tonight for you guys and for Mar.

You're never far from my thoughts Stine!

Britt

rachel said...

Oh my goodness, my heart hurts for you all, just reading this.

Rocks do suck. So do hellacious starts in life.

You're in my prayers. And you are an awesome mom.

Cammie said...

I know I say this alot, but...WOW!

I will be saying an extra prayer for the Moers tonight.

I think you all ROCK (pun intended!)!!!!

Brenda said...

How absolutely exhausting. It was painful to read that because it reminds me so much of our past. I look forward to her healing and this all just becoming a bad memory.

Jena said...

crying...
wanting to rip that hurt/pain/brain patterns out of Mar... wish I could... can't imagine that if I feel this way, how you and Michael feel...
prayers...

Sara said...

Oh sweet wonderful Christine ....your poor head...and your poor daughters heart. I hope that this brings break throughs and growth and that your poor head heals quickly.

Keith Seabourn said...

Christine, your words to Mar: "What else, Mar? What else do you have to do to know I love you? It's okay to do it, because I can't stop. I cannot stop loving you, and I know you cannot stop loving me." Wow! I'm reading Tim Keller's "The Prodigal God". It is challenging me very deeply, so deep I’m even having trouble putting into words. I plan to read it again and try to write thoughts in my journal. I feel that he’s trying to communicate something that I can’t quite get. It’s a vapor, a mist. I want to solidify into clear understanding. Christine, your words to Mar cleared the mist a bit about what God is telling me about his love for me. Thank you for loving Mar. Thank you for writing these words which reveal some of God's love, flowing through you to Mar.

Lisa said...

Sending you a hug. You're such an awesome mom!

Mamita J said...

Christine,

Your little Mar is fighting big giants in her heart. Even though you don't deserve it, you represent the person who shouldn't have let this happen. She's a strong girl who will not curl up and die with all this pain.

And to coin a phrase from a famous Bible story that parallels your day, "This battle is the LORD's."

God will fight the spiritual battle that is raging in her heart. And we all know the end of the story --- love wins.

Praying for you,
Julie

staci said...

praying for you - amazing how you handled things - staci

Corey said...

Christine,

I want to say something, to be supportive, but I don't know what to say, and I've already sat on it for 24 hours..

It's YOU I love. I feel empathy for Mar, like I feel empathy for V and AngryBoy and all of our kiddos. But as soon as our kids conk someone in the head with a rock, or sexually assault someone, or stab someone with a knife, or kill someone's pet, or slip rat poison in their coffee.. my empathy is greatly, greatly diminished. I get where it comes from.. I get that it comes from fear and trauma and and and.. but I'm angry that Mar hurt my friend.. angry and scared and sad.. we should not be assaulted by our children.. we should NOT.

Jeri said...

Christine, I so wish I had your capacity for forgiveness in the heat of the battle. Alex kicked me in the face the other day in NY, why? Because we left him with a woman for respite...I told him repeatedly it was temporary, to give everyone a break including him. My heart gets that he was punishing me for abandoning him. My brain wishes he could "get" that he needed a break from us and that I was willing to let him live with her forever if there was where he was happier.

In the heat of the moment, we have to do exactly what you did and ask why,really not how could you?! at that moment, you were being punished for "abandoning" her even though her head gets that that was not what it was, her heart did not.

That said, you cannot remain the strong person you are for your children without taking some time for yourself. Know that I know I am preaching to the choir and that this choir member has trouble following her own advice.

btw, we've been told we can take up to 4 Ibuprofin at a time by a dr. Just not all the time.

Mom 4 Kids said...

I hope that your head is doing okay. I am sorry that you went through this. I am impressed by how well you handled it. Thank you for sharing it!

Dia por Dia said...

You knew you'd have to pay for that brief respite! :-(

I am sorry you both got so hurt! I hope your head and Mar's heart are doing better.

Simply Moms said...

This will probably offend some...but she needs a conseqeuence. Given in truth and love.

Dad probably needs to articulate it and implement it.

She hurt his wife. Not okay. In any world. RAD affected or not.

You are a loving Mom. Your commitment shines through.
Dawn

Nicole said...

I was driving around the other day after dropping my daughter off at school and thinking about Mar and her future (from your recent post about fears of her in the future). Praying for you, your family and Mar.

Also, I have a great website for cool glasses that are sooo affordable. www.zennioptical.com. I have purchased 2 pairs, sister-in-law has purchased 5 pairs. Unless you have an astigmatism, they are easy to order. Hope you can replace your funky favorite glasses!

Mama Drama Times Two said...

Ouch!!!! Keeping the rock makes perfect sense...a physical reminder of just how big her emotional pain and wounds are... Blessings and prayers for you all.

Hannah_Rae said...

I am so crazy proud of you. I am also really hoping that God would give me the grace in that situation to handle it as well as you did.

How's Mar handling the after math? How do you help her not to feel guilty? What consequences come from something like that?

Also, I totally understand being thankful you dad and hubby were not around. Kaleb does not tolerate ANY disrespect from my boy toward me, let alone a rock in the head.

Blessings!

Hannah