Homeschooling RAD

This is a topic where pretty much everyone has their own opinion. I will say right up front - if you are parenting a child with RAD, your opinion is absolutely correct, no matter what it is.

While I do think there are immeasurable advantages to homeschooling a child with RAD, I only think they exist under the right circumstances.

* Can you afford the loss of income, while forking out for therapy ... or replacing pee soaked carpeting every six months?

* Do you have support in place to give you respite and/or encouragement to keep you going when you spend so much time with a child who is trying to push you away?

* Is the daytime environment fair to your child with RAD? Do they need the break each day from pets or younger siblings because of their temptation for acting out or showing aggression?

* Can you truly embrace the reality that bonding with you is 1 million times more important than schoolwork? Are you willing to modify their schoolwork, school day or even school year when it interferes with Job One: attaching to you? Can you be okay with that?

I think I was blessed, having already homeschooled for several years before parenting RAD. I had already seen and experienced, first hand, how much learning takes place outside of any kind of organized teaching. So, it wasn't hard for me to modify work, or actually say, "Ya' know what? You're just not strong enough to be doing school right now. I'm going to have you take off for about a month. We'll pick it back up later."

The crazy, off-the-charts advantages are also disadvantages. My children have those extra seven hours of opportunity to manipulate, control and generally freak out. I, however, also have seven extra hours to facilitate bonding, regulation and trust building.

I incorporate therapy into school, whether it is something to help them with neuro problems, or group activities to practice teamwork and cooperation and even ways to build their attachment to me. When it was time to check their work, I would have them sit next to me. If they were working on a math problem, I could have them use MY fingers to calculate. There are so many ways to utilize touch and closeness while we're learning together.

I can break down the school day into smaller increments. We can do 4-day week so one day is devoted solely to attachment therapy and complete downtime afterward. If one of my kids is refusing resisting my instruction, I can whip something out of my parenting arsenal toolbox to help them work through it in a way which meets them exactly where they are on their journey to healing.

Homeschooling also gave me the opportunity to make the kids' worlds very, very small and restricted in the beginning. Now that they are attaching, they can come home from an activity and tell me how someone might have upset them or ways they were controlling. In the beginning, though, I was teaching them and coaching them through every step. I have been able to slowly extend those boundaries so by the time they're in a social situation which may cause stress for them, they have already been practicing how to stay regulated. It's certainly not fool-proof, but more times than not they are using the things they have learned and been coached on for months and months.

Finally, it is a massive advantage to know what my children have learned and their capabilities. I don't have to start the school year blind to their behaviors, only to then be smacked out of nowhere when the honeymoon is over. When Mar pretends she can't add, I don't have to waste time wondering. I know she can add, subtract, multiply and divide more quickly than any of her siblings. She still tries it, but can't get very far. "I know, honey. You're upset that your mom didn't become a moron over the summer. Sometimes life really stinks."

I'm able to use the sibling factor to my advantage. RAD kids do not want to do anything their mother asks. Yet they tend to also be pretty competitive. Yet again, if they are not positive they can be the best, then they "play remedial." If everyone works on something, I will display some of that work for all of our guests to see. I don't do it all the time, but throw it in now and then. Mar and Rocky don't want OTHER people to think they're not terribly bright. So, it causes them to make a choice and live with that choice. If they take the whole mock remedial route, then I just smile and say, "That's alright. You're not wanting to join the family right now. You can try again when we move on to the next thing." This has been working with Mar lately. She'll do a few things wrong in a row, and I just keep trudging through with the others and take away all attention from her. She can't STAND it, and eventually joins in quickly and appropriately.

Homeschooling and RAD mixed together is just too much for one post, but I hope this gives you an idea as to how it works for us. I utilize so many aspects of life for learning that it just isn't a big deal if RAD sticks its nose right in the middle of an organized teaching moment. I mean, just think of all the multiplication tables you could recite to your child in the middle of restraint.

Then there's always, "OW! That was my pectoral minor you just bit!"

Or what about learning the in's and out's of urine and feces?

During group discussion, throw out, "The big story your brother told earlier - was that fiction or nonfiction?"

Perhaps something like, "When your sister called me a sh**, would that be considered libel or slander? What if she wrote it on the wall?"

See! The opportunities are endless.

All joking aside, it is HARD to homeschool RAD sometimes. Read the top of this post again. It's certainly not possible for every child and every situation. Yet, for some of us, it is feasible and can push our kids toward attachment much more quickly. If it leaves you in a puddle of tears every day, then it's kind of defeating its own purpose.

Don't feel guilty either way. DON'T! The entire family is a part of the healing process, and you know best how to balance it for everyone. You know what you need to stay regulated and to keep your family moving forward. Trust yourself and keep your eye on the big picture.

(photo by Edwin PP)