Monday, September 07, 2009

You can't make this stuff up

There is an elderly woman who lives down the road. She has always waved at me while I'm out tending to the park. She finally stopped last week to show me a newborn kitten she was taking to the vet. I'll call her Ima Jean (the lady, not the kitten). I ran to get the girls and we chatted about everything, including her upcoming 84th birthday.

Well, two days ago she pulled up into the drive. None of the kids were around.

I got a healthy dose of the real Ima Jean.

"How are you doing?"

"My husband left me."

"What? Isn't he sick? Didn't you say he has cancer?"

"Yeah. He does. Has a big 'ole knot right here in his belly."

"Well, where on earth did he go to leave you, being sick and all?"

"He's with his WHORE!"

*slightly choke on my own spit*

"Oh. I'm so very sorry."

"Yeah, she'll do stuff for him I won't so he just took off."

"Well, you told me he lives on Ensure, and I'm sure it's very difficult at 83 to be taking care of him alone at home."

"NO! She'll give him bl** jobs! I won't put that thing in my mouth!" (at which point she visibly shuddered) "Who knows where that thing's been? Probably up some whore's a**!"

*more choking on my own spit*

"So ... um ... Ima Jean ... er ... how's the kitten?"

(big smile) "Ohhhhh, she's doing great. Big and fat now!"

"That's wonderful."

Quick good-byes and she drives off.

19 comments:

Meredith said...

OMG!!! Well done on holding your composure - not sure I could have!

dreamingBIGdreams said...

now this is hilarious!

Ericka said...

Choking on my spit.
Hilarious!

Innocent Observer said...

If you are dying, and have a choice between the Ensure or, something else...there really isn't much of a contest! :p

lana said...

Now THAT conversation is worth all the crazy stuff you have been thru up until this point at the RV park. Wow! that is a great Moth story. http://www.themoth.org/

Elizabeth said...

Now that I've spewed my Diet Dr. Pepper everywhere....I don't know what to say. Great job keeping your composure though!

:)De said...

OH MY GOODNESS!!! I have tears in my eyes and very scary images of an 83 year old man getting his....uhmmm.... waxed. Thanks! LOL

Rose said...

WOW!

Parkerchica said...

This is making me miss my Clampitts. That's a slice of life, that's what that is...

Mama Drama Times Two said...

Hysterical!!!!

Cammie said...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Brenda said...

You have such interesting neighbors.

Summer said...

Well that came totally out of no where!

Kristen {RAGE against the MINIVAN} said...

Wow. She is a crazy person. I mean, who doesn't do that for their husband!?!?! hee hee

Jamie said...

wow wow wow. i just didn't know 80 year olds talked like that. WOW.

rachel said...

Man, I needed that hilarious story today. bwahahaha! Thank you so much for sharing!

(I'm being very serious...in case that sounded sarcastic!) I'm impressed that you kept your composure!

Luke said...

[tears from laughter]

Haven't had such an experience from an 84 year old, but I did have a drunken couple in downtown LA give me some "relational" advice very loudly on evening as I walked past.

Your life is never dull [smile].

~Luke

Sara said...

Oh my!!! What a conversation indeed. *whew*

Hannah_Rae said...

Well then....good to know...wow!

No, you definitely can't make this stuff up.

Blessings!

Hannah