This video is probably going to be many things to many people.
There are a few parents who will literally breathe a sigh of relief to know it's not just their kids. Sometimes, the way our children hold on to an obvious lie can cause us to really think that maybe WE are going crazy. This is actually just one tiny example of the thousands of episodes we have had in our home.
Thousands.
For other families, I truly hope you are shocked by the change in my daughter from the beginning of the video to the end. Maybe your child just simply cannot and will not regulate that quickly. Maybe not ... at all? That is okay. Just see that it is possible. Let this be your motivation to keep going. Remember, this is the child who has assaulted me with a rock, and required a call to the sheriff's office just within the last few months. Yes, she played stupid, but she did NOT escalate to the point of becoming a danger to anyone, and when I started to see the signs she actually let me help her.
Read it again: she. let. me. help. her.
And finally, may everyone else who does not have traumatized children in their home understand just a little more. It probably seems ludicrous ... ya' know ... cause it is. But now imagine this type of thing happening at the breakfast table, when it's time to get dressed, while loading up everyone in the car, during times of picking up the house, definitely during individual chores, perhaps while playing with others, throughout getting ready for bed ...
Every day.
365 days a year.
Mar has been my daughter for approximately 604 days, and I cannot recall one of those 24-hour periods when she has not had a moment of feigning ignorance or manipulating in some way. Not one single day. Yet other things HAVE changed, and I believe this can too. I refuse to give up.
REFUSE!
So, take it in whatever way it can help you. Mar shares it, as well. There are lots of cuts and skips because 1) I didn't want it to be a half hour long, and 2) I don't share everything. I just don't. She still needs a significant amount of privacy, and I'm her mom. I get to decide that for her. I chose what to cut and what to leave.
So there. :)
"Sometimes when we've run out of hope, what we've really run out of is patience." Emilie Barnes
34 comments:
Would you please tell Mar that I thank her very much for being brave enough to share that with us. I will share it with my 6th grader to show her how you used your skill to regulate yourself. Keep working hard!
Peace,
:)De
Well. This is so familiar. Our P is nearly 10 and has been with us for 4.5 years. He is really really healing in a huge way, but we still go through this feigned cluelessness once in awhile. I never thought to videotape it! What's so familiar are: the shoulder shrugs and the things she's doing with her hands; the eye contact coming and going with the light also coming and going in and out of her eyes; the various emotions (particularly anger) you can see going in and out of her eyes. Thank you a million to you and Mar. Please tell Mar that I am going to show this to P tonight, and I know he is going both to see himself in it and to love seeing that he's not alone in his hard work.
My heart started beating so fast in the thick of that. I can totally see 'Miah's behaviors in that scene. I'm going to have to practice the getting quieter the louder he gets. He doesn't have RAD, but still likes to show mom plenty of disrespect when he doesn't want to do things.
Thank you, Mar for being so brave. I am going to watch that again so I can learn more from your awesome mom.
Blessings!
Hannah
Hee, hee, hee....
I just showed it to J. At the end she said, "BUSTED!!!" As in you totally busted Mar on her RAD. I asked her if Mar was playing smart and J said she was playing dumb in the beginning then she started acting really intelligent at the end. I couldn't help but giggle. She also said that she'd tried that a lot. Uhhhhhhh, ya think??!!
Tell Mar that J and I are super proud of her for being brave enough to do this video. Isn't she such a lucky girl to have such an amazing mom?!?!?!
Wow. Just wow.
Thanks, Mar, for letting us see this and helping us to understand RAD a little better!
Thanks to both of you from Steph and Martin. This is a great learning tool for them, to see another kid doing the same things. I love the fact that Mar had sparkle in her eyes in the end. Isn't it amazing how their eyes reflect their soul? After 10 years, I'm an expert on my kids. That's probably what makes them so mad, that I know them so well. Thanks again Christine!
Please tell Mar I'm proud of her and the incredible hard work she has done! I pray for you and your kids and healing all the time, it was such a joy to see some of the results of those prayers! Christine, I think you are an Amazing Mom!!!!
thank you Mar! you did a fantastic job regulating and admitting your behavior. I am amazed. May I show it to my daughter that has RADs? She'll be 10 in two weeks.
I've been reading your blog for a while now, and have never commented - but felt so moved by the change I saw in your beautiful daughter in this video that I had to write. I've watched the video to see the transformation twice - the eyes, set jaw, and posture of the Mar in the beginning of the video, and the sparkling eyes, smile and confidence I see in the Mar at the end is such a beautiful, amazing testimony to both of you - all the hard work Mar is doing, and the patience and persistence you have as her mother. Blessings on you both as you continue to walk this road. Thank you for sharing Mar.
I watched this twice.. once alone, and once with Vivi. She had never seen anyone else play "her" games, use "her" tricks. I talked her through all of the hard work Mar did to get from the beginning to the end, and the fact that SHE COULD DO IT, TOO. And that when she works for as long as Mar has worked, she will be as healed as Mar.. that she CAN get better.
I don't know if she believed any part of that or not.. but I so appreciate Mar's courage in sharing. She gives ME hope.
Gosh, I am in tears. It has been such a long few days. I am so tired, and it was such a blessing to see that I am not alone. Thanks so much for sharing this. I thank God that my friend sent me your link!!!1
Mar is amazing for being so honest and sharing such an important message. Thank you Mar!!!!
well that made me cry for quite a while. i totally know how mar feels. i "freeze" in negativity in certain situations (like dealing with money) and wish i had a mom like you to walk/talk/breathe me thru it instead of someone who yelled/screamed/hit me and called me stupid. sigh. god is good.
Thank you so much. I can see such beauty and spark in Mar, especially at the end. And how far she has come...WOW!
There is a beautiful person in there, and you are doing a great job in revealing her.
Bless you both, for what you are doing, how far you have come, and how far you will fly!
: ) I felt myself sitting there saying what she would say next..often it was true. I think one thing that helps us parent them is just what you demonstrated. We get to know them so well we know what is going to happen many times. We know what the source of their feelings often are. We have the same talk again. Because they need to hear it again. I will have my boys watch this tomorrow....Yesterday Teddy came running in the house and said "Mom the mail box flag is up and there is something in there. Should I bring it to you?" I asked him why someone would put the flag up. He had no idea. He is 17.
She's so beautiful.
Thanks for sharing :) She's so beautiful!
thanks Mar, you are one great kid for sharing that. Calvin watched it and was relieved to know that he is not the only kid out there who does stuff like that and that other Mom's respond like his does.
Wow, sure can relate to that. Thanks for sharing Mar and Christine. What a change. We see that around here too, but I never thought to video tape it so that my Maddie and Hunter could see it and see how it looks.
H just watched with me (she says "Hi" Mar!) and I enojoyed watching her reaction to the video. She had her hands over her mouth trying not to laugh and I said, H - you don't ever do that, do you? Rolls eyes - Mooooom. Trying so hard not to admit it. Then stating she didn't want to talk about it. This was a hard RAD day for her to begin with. Thanks so much for sharing with the world, and Mar, thank you for being so strong. Love you guys!
your kids came home so long after Jackson, yet he still has a thick accent- i didnt hear one at all with M! for some reason, that was the biggest shock. oh- and her AMAZING HAIR!
anyway, thanks Mar! it was so cool to see you again, and it was good for me to hear how you & your mom Talk(process) through these situations. jackson doesnt like a lot of "talking" and just stares at the walls when i talk to him about his yucky grades or teasing his sister until she cries.. should i just keep talking anyway? is he listening even if he seems like hes not? hmmm lots to think about. thanks guys!
I read all the comments before watching the video... so when the video started I didn't get it ... didnt get the significance. After watching it - wow. I am affected.
The video camera and the still camera have helped greatly in our home.
I am so struck by the similarities in our siblings. Not only are our kids struggling to attach similar (obviously)...but this is one of the few times I have seen siblings in another family resemble the siblings in ours.
It really does affect the whole family. As a group and individually. Kids who would otherwise have little or no stress are constantly living w/it when RAD enters the picture.
Mar did good. Hugs to Mar.
Just showed Mar's video to Girlie.
At first she tried to tell me that she knows how to shut off a vacuum...but had to admit that sometimes she "forgets" how to brush her hair or multiply fractions.
A lot of silence over here.
I, too noticed the incredibly dramatic change in Mar's countenance.
My kids do this kind of stuff all the time, too. For the benefit of non-rad parents out there, by all the time, I don't mean once every few days, or even once a day. I very literally mean ALL.THE.TIME. It's a 24/7 game with these kids. And most kids don't regulate as quickly as Mar did. My youngest takes usually 15-45 minutes minutes to get back to a calm and regulated state.
So why do they do it? For attention. My little one especially is SO afraid that I will leave him that he does anything he possibly can to make sure he has my full attention every waking minute of the day. He's terrified that if I'm not paying attention that I will leave.
And yes, it does affect the other siblings. When my youngest goes off, it sends the other kids into high stress, high anxiety mode in which they have no patience. They quickly get agitated, irritated, and annoyed with everyone. They know the games are stupid and they get so annoyed with the "here we go again" routine and wonder both to themselves and out loud "will he EVER get it?"
Thanks, Mar for sharing. I'm going to show this to my son in the morning.
oh ya we have those days :) thanks for sharing!
ange
Finally got to sit down and watch this. THANK. YOU. SO. MUCH.
I will save this for a 'rainy day.' I am still hoping for a day when she will consistently admit what she does. We have NOT gotten to that place yet. And so, I constantly second guess myself. Only occasionally does she come clean and those are the moments that give me strength to keep pushing! (:
Hey my friend - I am so proud of Mar. She's growing so much! Even though I've never experienced what your family goes through, you inspire me so much with my kids!! You're an awesome mom and I feel blessed to say I know you!! :)
Please tell Mar that she is a gorgeous girl! Once she regulated, her eyes had a sparkle in them that is so beautiful. I know you're a proud mama!
Thank you for sharing this. Corazon totally recognized herself as we watched this. We have been having lots and lots of episodes like this every single day lately.... (sigh)...
so familiar! so hard to explain to anyone else - the total soldout-ness to a ridiculous behavior, or lie that they just can't step out of. I tried to explain it to someone yesterday - how Avi so totally buys into whatever lie or behavior it is (or confusion - his favorite - "I THOUGHT you meant this or that" so that he can use his "confusion" to do whatever he likes) and when he is called on it he is just completely indignant that someone would dare to call him on it! he really thinks that his behaviors aren't the issue - the issue is that everyone else has an issue with it. Groundhog Day. The jump off the roof part.
Wow, wow, wow. That's all I can say.
Actually, believe it or not (although I know you believe it), I see a lot of that in ELI!
Sigh. Going off to cry, now.
Thank you Mar for being strong enough to share this video with us! Thank you Mar's Mom for all the love that you give to Mar and that you share with us! This is helpful for kids to see that there are other kids doing the same hard work with their parents to heal their heart! Bravo!
It's not just RAD kids who feign ignorance. My husband and I have lived in this house for over 15 years and he sometimes insists he has no idea where things are. It doesn't matter that he has found and used the hammer or the bleach or the electrician's tape a million times; every so often he insists he's clueless as to their whereabouts.
Later he reveals that he "didn't feel like" getting the items so he pretended to be ignorant in the hope that I'd go find them and do whatever chore needed to be done.
You're right in saying that this type of behavior is grounded in disrespect. I plan to show him this video. Thank Mar for allowing you to post it. She's a very smart, beautiful girl.
I watched this video as someone who hopes to have children some day, as someone who has been reading and following life in your family for a while now.
Christine - from what you've written, I thought I had a rough, vague understanding of what life could be when you have a child with RAD. I suppose in my head, I knew it was a vague notion, I knew I couldn't really imagine, but now it's so much clearer just how little I really understand.
Watching this video, my heart aches for you, for your family, for Mar. At the end it is so clear how smart and beautiful and sweet Mar is and can be, but the beginning just breaks my heart. The anger, the hurt, everything. But somewhere in there, there is Mar as she was intended to be, without the pain and anger and trauma.
Praying for strength for you and for Mar and for the whole family.
Post a Comment