There can be healing, Gosh DARNIT!

Just as an example at how far Rocky has come with his healing: today he was to do things for me all day (it's our way of putting kindness back where you heaped hurt). He did every. single. thing. correctly and quickly the first time. THEN, he would find me and ask, "Mom, do you have something else for me to do?" He was not belligerent at. all.

This is the child who, 1.5 years ago would threaten my life and jump out of his skin if I did something as simple as gently touch his shoulder.

This morning I had a big discussion with the kids about an ex-boyfriend from high school who is now a registered sex offender. I tell the kids all the time that my goal is to release them into the world ... into life. I should constantly be preparing them to leave me. So, I try very hard to use consequences that mimic real life (on their age/emotional level, of course). Told them how my friend worked his keister off in prison and was released at his first hearing. He earned it. Then, he kept working hard during his period of parole, and has never been in trouble since. He deeply regretted his mistake, but did not stay stuck in the guilt, or allow it to turn into anger or bitterness. Rocky was able to make the comparison - that his actions when he is making restitution do not go unnoticed - good or bad.

And he was so beautifully respectful. I think he actually had a good time. Ya' know, my dirty laundry excluded. I honored his efforts with some really nasty leftover McDonalds Michael brought home this week. He LOVES stuff like that, and it is a major treat in this house. He was very kind and very thankful. He truly regrets how he treated me.

Now, we all know Mar is still Mar. Yet, I want to point out something I actually pointed out to HER tonight. She had a terrible day. It's the holidays. Rocky tanked yesterday. The moon is sitting a certain way in the sky and the wind probably changed directions. She is in a total funk. HOWEVER, after having to go spend some time in the field to cool off (after knocking our marker/pencil box across the room - just fyi: she has a GREAT arm!), I asked her to come in and sit down on the couch near me so we could be knee-to-knee. She did just that. I was pulling off my boots and looked up, and she was looking directly at me. It hit me, "Um, Christine? When is the last time you have praised her and helped her to see this MASSIVE change from 1.5 years ago??" You see, she doesn't FLINCH at eye contact. She PREFERS eye contact. I don't even know the last time I had to ask her to make eye contact.

When she came to join her family, she would literally begin to sweat when we asked her to look at us on our terms. Her breathing changed. Her hands started to curl up. She would rub her skin and pick at her clothes.

Tonight, she just plopped right down and engaged me with her eyeballs. I took a moment to razz-a-dazz-a-ding-dong the HECK out of that. I forget to celebrate the healing. It can be so gradual I sometimes forget to notice.

The holidays can be rough for our kids. Mar has actually lost a birthday in the past, before she came to us. She still wonders if she could be horrible enough for US to take away her birthday ... or Christmas. This is her pattern. I keep saying, "Babe, you can't lose Christmas, but feel free to try. I can't stop loving you, and I'll be crazy about you if you try to ruin it or if you try to make it great. Whatever. I'm not going anywhere."

Lather, rinse, repeat.

I also know that my kids received some very severe abuse and confusion about family and permanency in a place which had extreme winters. There is a colder nip in the air lately. Walking outside and having the wind hit their face can very well take them right back to that place internally.

So, they're dealing with a cornucopia of triggers right now. It's always this way around the holidays, but never as worse as (fill-in-the-previous-year). Healing continues to happen. Sucky days still suck, but there are steps forward, and that is a reason to celebrate.

Now, before I go to bed and pretend I'm sleepy, let me throw in a few thoughts on the whole narcissism stuff from yesterday. First, I am sad to read how very little there is out there on HEALING narcissism, as well as Oppositional Defiant Disorder. What little is out there would not be effective for children with attachment disorder (thank you, Amazon reviewer, for talking about the sticker-chart suggestions in the book, so I could move along! heh. heh). Yet, today I ran across an article by someone who treats adults. In discussing their "unusual" approach, they said the narcissistic behavior is actually a facade to cover up what is typically feelings of loneliness and worthlessness.

I was thinking, "Um, REALLY?!? And this is unusual thinking for professionals?!?"

Because every parent of a traumatized child can clue you in on that. In fact, the bigger the reaction, the more we know they feel desperate to cover/hide/protect themselves.

I sat down and discussed it with Mar tonight. I read it to her and asked her thoughts. Wanted to know if she thought this guy was loony. She did not hesitate to agree with him (again, with the celebrating!). It was a perfect segue into having a discussion of her first years of life, and what they would have looked like if she had been born from my womb. I have started this discussion before, per our therapist's suggestion, but she did not want to have it. Tonight, she ate it up. We had a very good time together. She was able to connect the dots and understand WHY she would have feelings of loneliness and no self-worth.

She still had no intention of doing her spelling work correctly, but you kinda' have to put everything in its place and in perspective. The whole reverse psychology snapped her out of it yesterday, but not today. Yet, today, she verbalized her life in a way she has not before.

Healing. Progress.

Refresh yourself and stay with it. Take a break. Rejuvinate. Then just keep loving the crap right out of them.

Literally.