When you're google searching "narcissism"

Maybe this will sound weird. In fact, I know it will, BUT ... it seemed easier when Mar was on the far end of RAD. I've had to balance Rocky all along, and figure out how to move forward since he was already ... well, MOVING FORWARD. When they are just radically unattached, the "what" is pretty easy. It is hard and painful, but you don't have to spend anytime wondering, "Hmmm, was that genuine?" Because it absolutely, positive was not.

If nothing else, that part is easy.

Yet now, my Mar is attaching. She is feeling. She is reasoning more and more. She has glimmers of cause and effect thinking. When she regresses, she doesn't immediately return to a 4-year-old emotional level. Sometimes she actually stays somewhere on the same planet as a 10-year-old emotional level. So, I'm juggling my thinking and approaches much more.

Not so much for that being the easy part.

When reading Mar's origianl diagnoses from the therapist she saw before we were even on her radar, I kinda' chuckled. RAD and ODD. Once she came home to us, I laughed out loud. I kept thinking, "Is it even POSSIBLE to have RAD and not have almost every. single. symptom. of ODD??" heh. heh. Yet, now, it's not quite so clear.

The one "biggie" which still manifests itself in her life is self-importance, also known as a sense of entitlement, or what some like to call narcissism ... there is also the Facebook comment from my friend, Scott - "Pathological Narcissistic Disorder or garden variety selfish turd?"

Rocky still battles this one some, but you can't even consider it a "thing" compared to how engulfing it is with Mar. It eats her alive. I have been trying to dissect the true feeling behind it. Sometimes it is because she believes she should not have to follow any rule or honor any authority, ya' know, because her life has sucked. Other times it is about power and control, and the insane lack of those things she has ever had over her life. Throw in a dash of puberty and a slice of "I just don't LIKE doing that," and you find yourself scratching your head, trying to get to the root of it.

That's where we find her suffocating less and less from Reactive Attachment Disorder and clinging more and more to the Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Call it all what you will. What it breaks down to is this: she really, really, really does not want to do some things and really, really, really hates the feelings associated with those things, and she is not convinced her family is worth doing them despite the feelings.

I spent last night learning more about narcissism. I also read about some opposing approaches to cognitive behavior therapy. There are some professionals who have backed away from the typical replacing hurting thoughts with healing thoughts, and instead having their patients embrace the negative thoughts and move through them (that is a VERY abbreviated and VERY-probably screwed-up description). Fell asleep looking through everything.

This morning Mar comes bouncing out of her room. She had gone on restriction the night before. We have had lots and lots and lots of restriction, so she knows exactly what is and is not okay. She was to wait for me to come to her. It was her way of saying, "Yeah, so you spent twenty minutes with me at bedtime and we connected and all that, and I want to see if you'll just be happy with said connection and blow off this whole restriction thing." Sent her back to her room. As I was fixing breakfast, a thought hit me.

Called her into the kitchen. "Ya' know, Mar, you are not, ever, just going to wake up one day and WANT to be a family girl. When it happens it will be very slow, just like every other change you have made. You won't just walk in one morning and want to honor me. It's not a light switch. So, in the meantime, just be selfish."

Very funny look on her face.

"Do just enough to stay off restriction. Anytime you think you might possibly be pleasing me, look me straight in the eyes and remind me - 'I'm not doing this for you - I'm just doing it to get what I want.' Only do what you have to do to get what you want. Be selfish, selfish, selfish. And if you want an hour on restriction, then you know exactly how to make that happen."

And she did it.

About every 15 minutes, I would say, "Tell me, Mar!" and she couldn't keep a straight face saying, "I'm not doing this for you - you're not worth it anyway!" Lots of giggling.

Go figure.

So it went all day. She was able to play to her heart's content all afternoon. She did clog the toilet (that's an old trick of her brother's and she never has paid attention to how we handle that ... poor thing). "Well, honey, when you clog up the toilet, you get two plastic bags." *quizzical look on her face* "Use one as a glove, so you can reach down in there and break up the poo and the toilet paper. Then, you can take it off and put it in the other bag."

Let's just say I don't expect her to EVER do the toilet clogging thing again. It also nipped it in the bud for Rocky months ago. For some reason, it loses it's flare when you have to literally clean up your own crap.

There you have my very random backward thinking on the narcissism. I did say, "I don't ever want to ask you to lie. So, if you have no desire to honor me and are just doing it to be selfish, then by all means - say so!"

Yet, she said it all day behind smiles and laughter, and at noon told me - in a whisper - that she really did do it for me, too.

*insert screeching tire sound here*

Just so you don't think we had a GREAT day, Rocky had a major blow-up. Gave him the opportunity to own up to something he did several days ago. He knew there would be a consequence, but didn't bother to think just how many MORE consequences there would be if he started huffing and puffing and yelling and threatening and saying gosh-darn ugly things about his mother.

He has a lot of kindness to pour back into me now. I will have some very clean floors this week. Am typing this from Jason's Deli, because my husband let me run away. A woman deserves such love after hearing her child scream across the RV park that he would rather live with his abuser than with me.

Lovely.

I can TOTALLY see through that and I know it was just said to hurt me (which it didn't, because it's ludicrous), but it does get old after the first 200-300 times you hear it.

Thought you'd all like to know, I didn't get off easy today! :)

P.S. - I welcome any and all thoughts/therapies/approaches/ideas/magic potions for dealing with the enflated sense of entitlement. This one will be one of the last to go, and it will not go quietly ...




(photo by Kenson Lai)