Giveaway Winner

Congratulations to Lana for being chosen by the random number generator (and for stacking her odds quite nicely by linking to my blog)! You are the proud owner of a used, non-code-attached Webkinz Toucan! WHOO HOOO!

May your child be blessed, as well as constantly reminded that there are consequences for bad choices! :)

Interesting observations

I'll get to the picture in a minute. Hang with me.

We're about to go on vacation, so everyone is excited. With children starting to attach or not quite attached (reactive attachment disorder), that means **make that sound where you run your fingers up and down on your puckered lips**.

After our "pop quiz" Wednesday night, Mar Mar has done all of her school each day, quickly and correctly. Granted (and thus the title of my post) I have seen the reemergence of so many little controlling behaviors I have not seen in several weeks. These are the kind of behaviors that show anxiety and being "on edge" - needing to do some strong sitting and tapping. As I pondered this change, I realized how comfortable she felt when she was being extremely belligerent and had a nice, big fat wall built between herself and her family. Yet now, being a family girl and letting her Mom be Mom and feeling some closeness again - FREAK OUT!

Thanks to Lisa for the suggestion, I just got my copy of "Invisible Heroes" and will start recording some imagery exercises tonight. If you have a child with attachment issues, and you have not spent countless hours on Lisa's site, then get your can over there. She is a giant vat of ideas!

To leave you with another interesting observation for the weekend that has NOTHING to do with attachment disorder (and the crowd says, "THANK YOU!") ... ladies, have you ever been in a public restroom and caught a big whiff of hormonal, musty, "old lady" smell? You know what I'm talking about?

Well, have you ever looked around and realized that your 36-year-old, peri-menopausal self is the ONLY PERSON IN THE BATHROOM?

Just curious. I'm asking for a friend.




(photo by meral akbulut)

The different schools of attachment therapy

So, have any of you noticed I've been a little stressed lately? Maybe just a smidge? I have been sitting and pondering what it is about THIS particular stage of parenting a RAD (reactive attachment disorder) child which is sending me over the edge, as opposed to every other single, solitary day.

And why would I stop to think through those thoughts?

Because of ideas in Beyond Consequences (to which, everyone in the BC camp cheers and jumps up and down!).

Then again, how was it the rages in our home completely stopped after months and months practicing BC concepts with them?

Because of ideas smelling of Nancy Thomas, suggested by our therapist (to which, the NC side of the stadium goes WILD!). Our therapist knows Nancy Thomas personally, but is very clear she utilizes a vast array of approaches.

What pushed me to look more heavily at giving my children redirection physically - with things like chewing gum, etc.?

Because of a little gal named Dr. Karyn Purvis (to which, those TCU horned frogs whoop it up!).

I could go on. There are a LOT of resources out there. I guess it shouldn't surprise us how we can be very narrow-minded in parenting RAD, when it comes to philosophies and approaches. We do the same thing as we decide whether or not to use cloth diapers, baby slings, sleep schedules, breast or bottle, etc. The reality is we ALL want to be great parents and do the best things for our children. Yet, it gets all muddled up when there are so many books and theories and approaches.

I will tell you all what I've always said when it comes to parenting: read it all. Study it all. Takes notes from it all. Most importantly, realize your child will grow and change and move forward and regress. The more tools you have, the better you can stay right there with them.

If you use Nancy Thomas tools without a therapist or a very strong gift of self-awareness, you'll simply become a drill sergeant who his hell-bent on taking control of the control. If you follow Beyond Consequences blindly, you may find yourself feeding into certain behaviors instead of realizing when it's time to place some of the responsibility on your child. You may spend years and years with a traditional therapist only to discover your child has been running on a treadmill - getting nowhere.

It's all about balance.

Last night, I spent some time being just very quiet.

See, I've been having words with God lately. Wondering where exactly He sat down my heart. Ticked off He would cry along with us instead of just fixing my daughter. Then I was reminded again - my child is still breathing. I haven't lost my child. SHE IS STILL BREATHING, SO THERE IS STILL HOPE.

Yes, I knew that. I know all of it, but in the thick of life you forget. You have to remember. I really should tattoo it on my forehead so I can see it every morning.

Anywho, I'm rattling on to get to this next part! We all came home and started bedtime stuff. God sparked the creative side of my brain. I smiled at my child who is really struggling right now (first time in a long time). Asked them to grab a pencil and paper and crawl up next to me. We were going to do a pop quiz!!

"Let's start with #1. The question is, 'When you consider letting me be in control and letting me be your mom, how does it make you feel?'"

1. mad

"#2 - Why does it make you feel mad?"

2. beacuse I don't whant to listen. (followed by some discussion on how they don't want to be told what to do, and does still really think this plan will work for them)

"#3 - How many children do you know in the history of the world who actually pulled this off?"

3. 0

"#4 - Do you still think it will work for you?"

4. no (then erases it)

"#5 - So, you're not really sure if it will work, but you keep doing it. What is your payoff?"

5. so I get what I whant

"#6 - Well, so far your plan is not working. Why do you keep doing it?"

6. beacuse I think if I work very hard it will work

"#7 - Do you honestly believe you will be the first child in the history of the world to get this to work?"

7. yes

"#8 - So, what is so special about you, no other child in the history of the world has possessed?" (this was followed with some very entertaining discussion - "I will never give up" "That's nothing new, darling. Kids from trauma are the most determined kids on the planet." etc., etc., etc., etc. There was giggling as well as frustration)

"Alright, let me rephrase #8. Do you have something special no other kid in the whole history of the world has never had, which will make this work for you?"

8. no

"So, what is making this so scary for you? If you show me respect and love, what bad things will happen? You can list them all as your answer to #9."

Written very quickly: 9. you might leave me. (then writes another "you might" but can't come up with anything else)

So, we play, "Let's pretend I never leave you!" We discuss how life will look if they keep up this control game. Then we compare it with how life will look if they allow themselves to be brave enough to love me. Siblings started chiming in. I explained how their sibling who is healing is STILL nervous every single day they'll get left again, but wakes up every morning and decides to be brave just one more day ... one more time. It will continue to be very scary for a very long time, but is it worth the risk. We recapped the many, very difficult behaviors they have shared with us over the last ten months. Yet, through all of them (and they have been very, very, very, very NOT GREAT!) I am still here.

I reminded my child how I had heard about most of their choices before they came to live with us, and Dad and I still said, "We want to be their parents forever." The conversation carried on from there.

Today, this child has decided to be brave and try it out. They may have more days where it is just too frightening. Yet, last night we reached the core of this particular fear. It took little bits of everything, as well as a random "pop quiz" approach.

I don't think parents need to stockpile a little parenting toolbox. I look at it more as an arsenal. It's a big task, worth a big effort. Sometimes you just have to get really quiet to remember this ... and get back to the point where you're willing to do it.

Taming the tantrums

Out of all five of my children, my youngest is the one that just refuses to give up the Terrible Two's (she's five). It doesn't help that her best little friend in the world is also a great fit-thrower. They are professionals. They give conferences to other Kindergarteners. I'm waiting for the book deal to emerge.

So, Skittles have become my friend. Well, that and little baby candy bars. You see, every time the five-year-old starts with the crying and wailing, out comes the candy! As I hand over a little somethin'-somethin' to my other children, I smile and say, "You deserve a special treat for having to listen to something so stressful." They are also kind enough to thank their sister for the candy break, and with much enthusiasm.

After the third tantrum-induced candy party, my little fit-thrower decided to call it quits. Granted, about a month later she decided to give it another go. Before I could even get the bag out of the cabinet, she had stopped (knowing that the bigger the fit, the more the Skittles!).

I wanted to wait before I posted, to see how this played out. Yet, here we are. It has totally worked for us.

Therapy hangover

Things are the same. Or worse. I'm not sure. At this point you can't really tell.

Same old story. One child is doing everything at their disposal to keep me at a distance. Today after much crying and denying and lying, the therapist asked who had made them angry.

My child pointed at me, looking down and said, "Her."

"Who is her?"

"Christine."

To which we thanked them ... for at least letting us know very clearly where they are on the inside.

My other healing kid continues to move forward. Has started to make up for their sibling's aggression, by giving me extra hugs, extra kind words and extra good attention. Granted, it still freaks them out every once in awhile. They aren't quite sure how to just be a "normal kid," and it actually scares them back into bad behaviors occasionally. All part of the process (I say that a lot, don't I?). Yet, they are learning to accept the blessings and the good. Starting to truly believe they deserves such things. And still has a smile which would melt your fillings.



(photo by Lynne Lancaster)

Magical Milk Pic-O-The-Week

(photo taken in San Salvador by Robert Lz)

How the pastor's wife had sex every day for a week

I hear you. I read the emails. Really, I do!

This particular post is for my gal pals only. Men and children, please depart. Return another day.

Thank you.

Yes, my husband I and were intimate seven days in a row. Heck, just getting to five was a new record for our 13-year marriage (or four - we're still disagreeing on that point). Even that little streak was a one time thing.

I thought I should clarify a few things. Some bullet points to help you understand we are not nympho's and we are not above average.

* Our goal was to have sex as many times as we could in a seven day period. We never expected to actually complete said challenge. I can barely get my hair washed most days. Oh, who are we kidding? I don't get my teeth brushed most days.

* To complete this whole challenge thing, I had to sacrifice several other things in my life. I chose to. Some days I was feeling a little resentful. Then I thought, "Wait a friggin' minute?! This is my MARRIAGE. This will be a very unique thing for us. It can't hurt, and it just might help."

* We have five children, most with some special needs and interesting *cough* behaviors. Our home is never romantic. Ever. The best time for being alone in the 'ole marriage bed is after everyone else is in bed and with the radio cranked to block any iota of noise. I don't ever have to worry about talking dirty. It's not like we could hear each other over the music anyway.

* I had a chest cold the entire week. It was really bad the first three nights. There was no kissing. Very Julia-Roberts-in-Pretty-Woman.

* I was not in the mood - not once - during the entire seven days. I have a slew of kids. I was sick. This whole new birth control pill thing has tanked the old libido. However, it's kinda' like Sunday night church. If you just get yourself there, it's quite possible you'll leave feeling blessed. At the very least, you will bless someone else.

* I am not some spring chicken (my 80-year-old friends beg to differ, but I am speaking in a peri-menopausal mindset). I have to know my limitations and plan accordingly.

* Because most of our "interaction" happens in the evenings, it makes sleep more difficult for me (you would think it's the opposite, but it's just not!). I made the decision to lose sleep. I wasn't sure how many days we would make it. I lost a lot of sleep.

* The cold, hard truth is, with a little help and a little sacrifice, you can have sex with your husband. You don't have to give yourself to him for a week ... but maybe once a week? Could you set a goal for two nights in a row, just to surprise the heck out of him?

Do you like unexpected surprises? Well, so does he. Sure, there are always times when someone is barfing or up all night with an ear infection or you have a bad rash or you are falling asleep sitting up. Some days I can't laugh for the crying. Yet, I do sacrifice for my kids all the time. I have come to realize I wasn't sacrificing my own comfort for my husband in a way that would bless the bazoogle out of him AND grow our marriage. I used "not being in the mood" as a justification for letting another day go by.

I have a lot of women tell me their husband doesn't deserve it, because he isn't doing things for them on a regular basis, either. Been there, said that. Basically, it was like we were playing chicken with our marriage years ago. Neither of us were going to give first.

Yeah, that's healthy. That's the kind of marriage I want to emulate for my kids. Mmmm Hmmm. I was quite the role model, let me tell ya'.

Show your husband physical love this week. You are a blessing. You are hot. You are a treasure. You shouldn't be wasted. Your marriage deserves the erotic gift that is YOU. Your husband is not perfect. He is sometimes hurtful. He is sometimes selfish. You both are. You are one. So, throw some steam on that mess.

You just might leave with a blessing.








WFMW

Wanna' do something radical?

Give.

Just give.

And then give some more.

I know that times are tight. So, imagine what it is like for people living and sacrificing their lives for those living in despair and poverty. We tighten our belts so we don't lose our TIVO or our cell phone. They live in a place where the belt has been squeezed so tightly people can barely breath.

Every single one of us can give something.

Something.

Magical Milk Pic-O-The-Week

(photo by mayamai26)

Parenting Tip #290

Always have a list of a few really mundane tasks at the ready.

When someone says or implies the infamous, "I'm bored!" you smile and say, "Not a problem. I've got it covered." Then just whip out the list and give them something to do.

This really nips it in the bud. Of course, about every three months they will forget this little cause-and-effect thing and do it all over again.

It's a great way to get the bathroom tiles clean (with an old toothbrush), or the cobwebs off the outside eaves, or that giant box of beads sorted, or the dust off the return air vent. If they ALL happen to say/imply it at the same time, you've hit the mother load!


(photo by sanja gjenero)

My Skinny Valentine

DRY HEAVE ALERT! DRY HEAVE ALERT!
This post is in honor of my husband.

I'm quite fond of my Miguel.

He has spent the last two months, literally working his butt off. He has dropped about 17 pounds. He looks 10 years younger. His snoring no longer makes me want to add an extra bedroom to the house. Just yesterday he crossed into a healthy level with his BMI and is no longer in the "overweight" category. I'm proud of him, but more than anything, I love seeing him so proud of himself.

He surprised me with a date last night. Had planned ahead for babysitting. With some of our kids' needs, our options are tight. He pulled it off and it PAYED off. He is spending Valentine's Day conducting a funeral.

I found out about the date as I entered our bedroom yesterday morning, and written across the mirror it said, "Would you like to go out on a date with me TONIGHT? Check one: yes or no"

I love him because he used dry erase markers.

We went to a little Italian place we love. There was some putz screaming at the manager when we walked in. This place is tiny. The entire restaurant was just staring at the whole altercation.

Putz (measuring about 6' and weighing in well over 200 lbs) went outside to call the police and report the 5' manager (weighing about 100 lbs with wet sweats on) had assaulted him. She "crushed" his hand when she took his receipt, telling him to just leave without paying. Poor massive, muscular giant of a man.

My husband took my coat out to her, as she was stuck out in the cold waiting on the police (yes - TWO police showed up for this - with lights flashing) to finish up.

We ended up at the exact same table where poor assaulted giant was sitting. We had the same waitress he had complained to endlessly, causing her to cry. My husband and I loved all over this sweet girl.

When the manager came back in and returned my coat, my husband encouraged her, as well.

Dear, wonderful Michael dropped me off at home before picking up the kids. This gave me some quiet time to settle in for the night. It also did not allow my RADling to try to hurt me by controlling or making comparisons to me and the super awesome couple that watched them (they ARE super awesome, yet sometimes she takes it to another level).

He did the extra work to get our Valentine surprises ready for the kids.

This morning, each child presented me with a homemade card. Come to find out, several days ago their father made it very clear they would all make me something to show me love on Valentine's Day. He insisted, and was reminding them daily - keeping me at the forefront of their minds.

There is no one like my Miguel. I do not ever want to have to navigate life without him. The things we laugh about privately together, and the looks we give each other across a room, and the times we absolutely CAN'T look at each other for fear of cracking up ... it's our own little world.

I love this world.

I love Michael Moers.

TLC is not coming to my house

I talk a big game. I want my kids to have full creative license. Yet, what you are about to see has been wonderful AND very difficult for me. I've tripped over it in the dark countless times, and have sucked up crazy stuff in the vacuum.

My children have created an entire Webkinz land. They each have homes. There is a pizza parlor, a hotel, their own currency system, Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts, and they've even held court a few times. The entire village is built out of recycled materials.

Last night Michael asked, "Wait a minute! You have all of that and there is no church?"

We were then informed that one was started, but people lost interest quickly ... including the pastor.

Yup. That's about right. At least it's true to life.

So, while it is insanely creative and I LOVE that their imaginations are exploding, this is now a permanent fixture in our living room. My husband and I see a box at the store and immediately think, "Oooo, I wonder what the kids could do with THAT?" I do think that, perhaps, it will eventually reach the ceiling. I'm insisting they are landlocked, so there's nowhere to go, but up.

*click on the pics to view larger image*






In case you're wondering, the vending machines in the hotel (made from boxes and tape) DO actually work!

Learned helplessness

My child who is working so hard to heal still totally fascinates me.

To learn to survive, children with a history of trauma sometimes learn ways control their environment as a way to feel safe. To do so, they quickly discover that they can "play dumb" to get more things handed to them, to annoy others and be looked over. This puts them at an advantage in every situation. If you are receiving additional help, you can focus on your own safety. If you are annoying others, you have control over them. If you are being ignored or falling between the cracks, you are proving that no one else can be trusted in life. It feeds those hurting beliefs that are deeply ingrained in our children.

So, the short story? Our kids are unbelievably smart. Their brains are highly developed, just not the parts that are working for good!

Today one of my kids chose to play the "dumb" game with schoolwork. I kept tabs on the amount of time wasted as they acted as though they had forgotten how to read ... anything ... and pretended to have lost the entire concept of "instructions" and why on earth those random words would be wasting space at the top of a page.

Now, some of you with emotionally healthy children (and school teachers) are saying, "Hey! Kids do that all the time. Lots of kids don't follow instructions. What's the big deal?"

This is where I simply don't have enough bandwidth to explain the enormity of this learned helplessness. I know my child intimately. I have spent the vast majority of the last ten months with her. Most of my other kids DO fly through things, doing a quick job and not paying attention to details. This is quite the opposite. I watch this child fly through 20 problems, and refuse to answer one correctly ... and, bless their heart, it will be one of the simplest on the page (many times it will be identical to one they have already answered). Then, when they do finally move forward, they answer it perfectly, quickly and with absolutely no assistance. It is completely calculated. They don't rush through anything at this point in their life, because something might slip by them. They just doesn't feel safe enough for that, as of yet.

It's my job to stay playful and present to create a space that feels safe for them.


So, today it played out a little like this:

"Let me know when you're done pretending not to know all this stuff, and we'll move on."

A very (VERY) long while later (after moaning and crying and hoping desperately that their siblings would believe that I was asking so much more of them than they could ever possibly accomplish), they stood up and said, "I'm ready," and completed their last two assignments.

We addressed the fears behind the need to control. Then I explained that I'll help them practice this whole "playing dumb" thing so that they'll be even better the next time. Acted silly - almost ridiculous. Fought my tone so as not to sound sarcastic.

My child gets this amazing look during these moments. When I switch up consequences and try to stay one step ahead, they have a mixture of being proud that I'm a good mom to them, but not terribly happy that I'm a good mom to them! I just let them know that whether they love it or hate it, I will always be here and love them and never, ever leave them.

I love this kid so much, even when they're not exactly sure how to feel about me. They want to make it very difficult for me to love them. I just can't not.

So, I guess in a really small way, I understand those mixed emotions.


(super awesome photo by Steve Woods)

Salma Hayek Wet Nursing

Thanks, Leslie. This is beautiful.

Taking a punch at your depression

I know that you are not going to like this. Sorry. I have found something that Works for Me, and really does start my day out by taking my depression down a notch.

I make breakfast.

Yes, I EAT breakfast, but that's not the point. I MAKE breakfast. I plan out my weekly meals ahead of time. My kids with special needs do much better having a protein packed start to their day. Each morning I have to drag my butt into the kitchen and do a little something. Maybe it is frying up turkey bacon or scrambling eggs. Sometimes it is just having a day of cereal and fruit, but I purposefully do all the prep work and get out everyone's plates and utensils.

I have to drag my butt out of bed and move a little bit. Every morning. I've learned that a solid breakfast makes a huge impact on my kids. The side effect? It makes a pretty massive change in me, as well.

As you can see, it doesn't have to be the actual making of a breakfast. The point is to have something in place that makes you get up and move first thing. For me, the whole breakfast thing also has me giving to others, making it twice as nice.

Don't get me wrong. I hate it, ESPECIALLY during the winter months! My depression is much worse when it is dark and gloomy outside. I DON'T WANT TO MAKE BREAKFAST. UGH!

Yet, I do it.

And it helps me.

Or "works for me," if you will.

Magical Milk Pic-O-The-Week

(photo by haabet2003)

seven

We made it.






Special thanks to Troy and Tara, who talked smack to us ALL WEEK and kept us on task. Okay, it was actually just Tara and I doing the smack talk back and forth. Yet, I don't recall our husbands complaining. If it wasn't for the "friendly" competition ("friendly" being a horrendous understatement), I think Michael and I would have closed for business about Wednesday.

Remember, it was just a decade ago Michael and I were going MONTHS without intimacy. That was all me. I kept myself from my husband. So, this time around it was all me,
but I GAVE myself to him.



SEVEN!

"I turned it around"

Tired of hearing about my kids? Yeah, I SO don't care. Our journey is still very far from over, but BOY have the last few weeks been eventful.

One of my healing kids has just continued to escalate. They have hit an all-time high in the trauma department. My weekend getaway, followed by a lot of hard work in therapy had them behind a very thick metaphorical wall. The biggest wall they have yet to build between the two of us. On the other side, they had actually changed physically. My child was literally making themselves sick.

Yesterday I had one of those moments where I was trying to decide between giving the negative behavior NO attention or showing compassion or just saying what was really on my mind.

I said what was really on my mind.

I did not yell. I remember thinking, "Loving eyes, Christine. LOVING EYES!" I verbally walked them through their day. I have no idea if the eyes stayed loving, but I do remember that I did not yell (and I keep saying that, because it was really, really, really hard not to yell!!). I reminded them that they can always have control, but it's either attempting to control others or taking control of themselves. One pushes people away. The other is when you control yourself and your behaviors so that you draw people close (also earning trust, more privileges and great feelings).

I think the last thing I said was something like, "I promise you that I love you so very much that I will always be here to give you what you choose to have - if you want to be in charge and have more stinky days, or if you want to control yourself and enjoy life."

That's when I saw it. It may be that only parents of traumatized can understand this: I saw real tears. See, my kid can cry by choice and it is immediate and HUGE crocodile tears. Absolutely amazing how they can do this. Yet these were just barely creeping from the eyes. There was no dramatic sweeping of the eyes and the huffing, puffing cry. They had an emotion and responded to it. Soft, sweet, genuine tears slowly made their way to the surface and eventually down their cheeks.

My child swept up her math page and did every single solitary problem, smiled through it and pointed out to me the parts they loved (they had spent the previous 45 minutes pretending to not have a clue what they were doing).

When they finished, they actually VERBALIZED to me that they CHOSE to "turn it around" (thank you, J, for teaching my child this thought process through your blog!). The tiniest of moisture wet their eyes again. Without any prompting from me, they said, "I'm very proud of myself." I was squealing, of course, and hugging. "Yes, you turned it around. You SHOULD be proud of yourself!" Then, through sweet tears and an actual for-real smile, they said the one thing that I will never forget for as long as I live on this earth:

"I rocked the Casbah."

How funny and wonderful and hysterical is THAT?

Oh my goodness, will we still have regression and bad days. My other healing child has already had their 24 hours of a rough patch, due to some actual progress they made. It's such a process.

Yet, on the bad days, I will now look back to remember that they always have the ability within them (and the desire - even if they're fighting it) to rock the Casbah.

Parenting Tip #720

One child (that shall remain nameless, but I will tell you that she is FIVE!), entered the dining room at lunch time and plopped into a seat that her brother adores. We do not have assigned seats, and the kids move around a lot. It's fine to sit wherever. It is NOT fine to make choices in a way that deliberately hurts someone else.

She swung into this particular chair and in a very sing-song manner said, "I'm going to sit in this chair." You could smell the "Nya-nya!" in the air.

Thank you, super sweet Jesus, for helping me to think on my feet.

"Honey, it sounds to me like you really enjoy that chair. I want to make sure you enjoy your lunch right there. So, why don't you go put your plate in the kitchen, and when everyone else is finished eating, you can take your time eating in that very spot."

Normally, I have to set a time limit on meals. Again - parenting trauma - backward! One of my healing kids tend to do things at a snail's pace - even eating. Not today, though. I just let everyone take ... their ... sweet ... time.

Five year old sat quietly in the living room until the last person finished up. Then she enjoyed a room temperature meal all by herself, in that chair that she so vocally claimed.

Reactive Attachment Disorder - I heart attachment therapists

I know that, as parents of children with a history of trauma, we tend to beat a dead horse, but - seriously - finding a trained attachment therapist is so very, very, very, very, very helpful. If you can't afford it because insurance is not covering this kind of professional, I get it. We were almost in that same boat, and I was having to prep for therapeutic parenting out the ying-yang.

However, if you have a choice, and you can avoid a traditional therapist with your kids, do your best get in with an AT.

Our therapist has taken a very interesting approach with one of my kids - she has removed their diagnosis of Reactive Attachment Disorder! This child is definitely on the lower end of the spectrum of attachment issues. This kid has exhibited plenty of symptoms. Yet, they have also been much healthier and closer to healing than their sibling. In the middle of all of this, said child has also been using "RAD" as an excuse - almost wearing it like a badge of honor. This kid LOVES to throw around words they hear used, to avoid talking about their actual feelings (throwing out a "Because I have attachment disorder" instead of "Because I feel safe and comfortable when I am in total control, and I'm not willing to give that up yet"). Very smart - always able to remember certain phrases in all areas of life, and just regurgitate them when they get uncomfortable and don't want to talk. Some therapists call this "therapized" - repeating catch phrases learned in therapy.

So, a few months back our AT made it very clear that this child has adjustment and adoption struggles. She let my child know that she was not diagnosing them with Reactive Attachment Disorder. We've made it a point to say that any kid that moves around a lot would have adjustment issues, and it is understandable that this child might mimic certain behaviors of Reactive Attachment Disorder due to the time spent with their sibling. As in: this is not another phrase you can throw around to avoid healing.

Her approach has worked wonders. This child has opened up and started talking about feelings. They have admitted they rage just to draw attention to themselves, and not because they are being fearful or cannot articulate what is really going on inside. Our AT really took time to evaluate things and see through so much.

Our AT was the one that peeled back the layers to determine how healthy my child already was, so we could be moving forward more quickly. This child has significant issues and struggles - no doubt. However, they have struggled just enough with attachment, and spent so much time around a child with significant struggles, they had built a nice shell around them utilizing things they felt, as well as things they learned and witnessed. Fascinating to watch as that shell slowly breaks apart.

My other child?

Our AT has confirmed that, in fact, she lands on the spectrum of RAD and needs significant help to heal. My child has had some of the "edge" taken off their PTSD, which has given them a new perspective on life ... and on this Christine chic that calls herself mom and really does seem to love unconditionally, and may NOT walk away like everyone else and ... OH DEAR GOD!!! They are on a whole new level. The sappy, fake, indiscriminate, pretending to be loving stuff is gone. The defiant, constantly controlling, take-me-to-the-mat behaviors have floated to the top. So much fear in my sweetheart.

Today our therapist looked at me and said, "Wow. Well, this is certainly a side I had yet to see." I gave her a look that must have said, "Do you give Xanax via IV here?" I love this child so very much. I cannot imagine how difficult it is to live in their skin right now. Afraid of getting close. Threatened by their sibling taking such big steps toward healing and embracing "family." If they could keep me at a distance with a taser gun, I think they would.

Our day was SO exhausting. It was deep. It was intense. The three of us have a lot to absorb. I need my AT at times like this, to do the work for me for a little bit, so I can just sit and listen (or day dream, or drool into a cup). I need the fresh perspective. I get so bogged down in the day-to-day that I start just assuming certain things. Fresh eyes and ears can say, "Can I try something? I'm seeing something interesting going on here."

To which I say, "Absolutely. Where is my cup? I would like to drool some more, please."



(photo by doctor-a)

More on homemade or natural crystal deodorant

I have been very pleased with my own homemade deodorant for the past many months. I know that some of you have developed a rash with this approach. I get a mild one occasionally. Adding some shea butter to my concoction has been helpful.

For research purposes, however, I wanted to give the whole deodorant crystal a go-round. It has always peaked my fascination. Maybe it's because of my days working at Camp Ozark and always visiting the crystal shops in the Ozark mountains. I just kept picturing how convenient it would be if I could have worn that little crystal cross necklace and just rubbed it on my pits when the need arose.

But alas, that's not how these suckers work. They're just big chunks of mineral salts. You moisten the block a little bit and give it a good rub. The mineral salts keep your sweat from joining forces with odor-causing bacteria.

At this point (several days in), I think I may like the crystal more than my homemade deodorant. It's not sticky. There is never any staining. It totally keeps me from stinking. There is no irritation. It's crazy easy to use and apply. It is effective for 24 hours. It lasts WAY longer than traditional deodorant (AND my homemade stuff). It uses much less packaging (especially if you just purchase the rock by itself). I spent about $4.50 on mine - very affordable.

Crystal deodorant - It's working for me.

Magical Milk Pic-O-The-Week

(photo by maddecat)

When mom's away, the trauma will ...

I had the BEST weekend! Last week I was invited to a surprise 40th birthday party for an old college friend. Granted, normally I could not make it to something like that, being five hours away.

Yet, it was near my parents. I desperately needed to get away from my wonderful children. I knew it would TOTALLY freak out said friend to see me walk through the door. My husband is 100% parent and never shirks from managing our home if I'm away. I was sooooo going!

I left Friday and headed down to Dallas (yes, I realize that I did not call or see any of you that I know down there - you'll get over it). I stayed up late, watching whatever I wanted, reading whatever I wanted and making every moment about me, me, ME!

After a little discussion, I came to the conclusion that my mother was still an IKEA virgin. Well, that's just WRONG! So, I went to corrupt her with Frisco's Swedish monstrosity. You know you're a mom of five when you leave IKEA doing cartwheels over a new (and larger) colander, cooking pot, dish drainer and extra toilet brushes so you have one in EACH bathroom.

What could be better?

Well, I'm glad you asked. Immediately next to the IKEA in Frisco is a La Madeleine AND a Paciugo. No, SERIOUSLY!! I still get very (VERY, VERY!) excited just thinking about it.

Again - my mom - Paciugo virgin. I have now opened her eyes to so many amazing and glorious experiences.

Saturday night was the dinner party. The Birthday Old Fart was very surprised. Lots of fun conversation. Amazing food (Jim's wife is Super Woman Hostess).

Sunday morning I joined my parents at their church - the Dallas County Cowboy Church. My dad, Cecil, plays the stand-up bass. My mom, Joye, is one of the vocalists (sorry - this is cowboy church - she's one of them there singers, ya'll!). It's fun to drive up and be welcomed by people on horseback, listening to country music booming from the building as you cross the parking lot. Even if you don't like country music, you can enjoy the whole experience and culture that is a cowboy church ... as long as you watch where you step.

Then, it was time to return home. I won't go into all of the details of the things I did to help prepare all of my kids for their mother's absence. It was very deliberate, to help each of them in their own special ways. One of my healing kids is choosing to try out this whole love thing, lately. This kid kept behaviors under control this weekend (despite big feelings of abandonment). This child actually felt the emotions of missing me, and they actually chose to welcome me home with smiles and hugs. Today, I looked at them and said, "This whole 'loving your mom' thing is pretty cool, huh? Do you like the way it feels." Big smile and a big, "Yessss."

Very cool. Very, very, very, very - unbelievably cool.

Like, VERY!

My other healing child is not doing so well. They are at different parts of the trauma spectrum. So, one child waited to start a turn on the computer just as they were informed I was minutes from home. They were the only child to not greet me - at all. No hug. No kind words. Just complete silent treatment.

My husband and I had a plan in place for this, so we started through the things we had already discussed. We scheduled several "breaks" from the other kids when they were getting hurtful. Things were kept simple for them, so as not to add more stimulus.

Yet, I know this behavior is escalating because this child is also having feelings of closeness and attachment. They're just not ready to let themselves feel it, sort it out ... perhaps, even, enjoy it. So, while it is exhausting and not fun, it is okay.

The even BETTER part? While one child was shutting down and digging in their heals, the other one did. not. let. their. sibling. pull. them. into. self-sabotage. or. controlling. behaviors!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(now imagine me typing out one million more exclamation points and it still won't be enough)

In case I didn't mention it before - I HAD THE BEST WEEKEND!