When you want to cry so hard, you can't

I've been holding it together quite nicely, considering. Then along came Stellar-pants and Miss Essie-lou.

Holy flood gates, Batman. I finally got the release I have been looking for.

We have gone so very far backward this month ... sort of. This whole actual healing part has been the toughest part for me. It's harder. It's more complicated, and it is raw ... exposed. Want to know your own crap? Parent a traumatized kid. Cause you have to work through it ALLLLLL.

My daughter has had horrible things happen to her. In the process, she has acted out and done some horrible stuff, too. These things happened when she was completely unattached. She could shut off her feelings. She had zero empathy for anyone or anything.

Now, though ... now she feels. Now she has empathy. Now she cannot hide from her shame at. all. And she is feeling and reeling from all she has ever done.

Much of that stuff happened in our home. So, we are having to relive most of it to work slowly through the shame (taking regular and MASSIVE breaks so as not to re-traumatize any of us).

I have this mixture of empathy, but then still plenty of my own trauma. I can embrace my child one minute while not even being able to handle being in the same room with her the next. I can walk her through some steps and help her be incredibly strong, and then need to run to the bathroom so I can cry because I was reminded of so much of my own hurt from her hands.

Little Miss Fancy Pants Therapeutic Parent has done her best to work through things as they came at me, but some have been big. Healing from trauma takes time, even for the parents. I catch myself saying, "Nope, nope, nope Mr. Brain. Do NOT go there. Too painful. Gotta' get her through this first!" But at some point, I have to. I HAVE to go there.

I hate going there.

I know it's harder for her, but this past week has been really, really, really, really, REALLY hard for me, too. And I am claiming it. BAD Mommy Week. I will cry, and I will hurt and I will grieve and I will take care of me (and when someone offers to buy me dinner, I will say, "THANK YOU!" and let them), and I will go on therapeutic auto pilot for a bit until I have done business right here in my own self.

Then I'll get back on it.

In the meantime, someone tell me a funny joke or send me a funny video - STAT! I lost my funny yesterday, and it's not where I normally put it.