Teaching my children about community

When I said that I was a freegan vegan flexitarian, I had a vegan write me, offended that I would even use the label "vegan" if I ever allowed animal products into my body. This person truly wasn't being mean, but was a purist and an animal rights activist. They had a deep reasoning and passion behind the label "vegan." I crossed into that in a way that they felt tainted its meaning. I'm not upset by this, and try to make it clear, now, that I "shoot for vegan." I understand that passion. I do not share it, but have plenty of my own passions, and won't dare begrudge theirs.

In the same way, I have been questioned as to why I use the term "unschooling" when we do deliberately guide and direct our children in certain aspects of their lives, and we have many guidelines. Others argue that "unschooling" is only related to education, while "radical unschooling" is allowing full choice in all areas of life. I did the logical thing (not being as passionate or pure on either front), and simply removed the label. The kids now call themselves "everywhere schoolers" or "Moerschoolers" (my personal favorite).

So, why am I okay with stepping in and doing deliberate teaching and coaching of my children even when they don't ask for it, or even don't care for it? Being flexible in this, and yet not being offended when someone questions our use of a label or our approach, is exactly the heart of what I'm talking about today: community.

I turn 38 this month.

I have been entrusted with five, young, amazing people. I have the gift and responsibility of sharing, teaching and coaching them through the many, many things I have learned over these almost four decades. I am crazy passionate about my kids. I have come to understand that pretty much everything I have to share with my children revolves around all that is "living in community." That starts in our home.

"Community is all about getting along. But as anyone awake at the end of the twentieth century knows, getting along is often quite a challenge. It takes intention, practice, effort, and skill. Fortunately, the skills can be learned, and while learning them isn't always easy, not learning them makes life harder still." - Duane H. Fickeisen

I think that living in community is one of the most difficult and most beautiful things ... ever. Being free to be yourself and express who you are is warm and wonderful. Being respectful, understanding and sacrificial for the sake of everyone in your circle is also warm and wonderful. Both of these things can co-exist, but there is a tension that slowly pulls back and forth, all the time. Community is organic and is never, ever just settled and figured out and written down and repetitive. People change. Each day brings new emotions and feelings. Community always, always changes and it takes passionate work and cooperation for everyone to flourish.

So, how exactly do I teach this to my children?

First, in our home, everyone is safe and everyone is loved (click here to understand how we define and practice loving each other in our family). You are safe from physical and emotional harm. That includes everyone, parents and children. Therefore, it is not acceptable, and goes against our community, for anyone to physically harm or yell at anyone else. If you hurt someone, you repair it. The world works this way already, but we are much more deliberate and creative in our repairs. We work hard to put back love and smiles into the person we have hurt. I am always fighting the natural reaction of, "Say you're sorry." They are welcome to apologize of their own volition. However, we apologize through our actions. We repair the hurt in a way that brings something positive to the the other person.

Yes, if a parent yells at a child, we have to make a repair. And, yes, both my husband and I have had to do this. It is our responsibility to create an environment in our home where we can also be corrected and held accountable.

We have discussions about boundaries for one another. Every child (and adult) has fantasies of having-it-your-way. We talk through what that would look like in our home. That is a community-building discussion. Everyone has to stop and assess not only how that would affect others, but how it would affect ourselves. We talk about balance. We share our wants and desires and then find compromise.

We practice certain principles and guidelines for the safety and love of everyone in the house. My kids use steps to resolve conflict (Step #1 - ask the person to stop or change their behavior. Step #2 - if they stop, carry on; if they don't, find an adult and ask for assistance in resolving the conflict). This is something I taught them years ago when they were very young. We have discussed whether or not it is still a valuable tool with the older kids. Not only do they agree, but they teach their friends. They ask that the steps be followed by anyone who plays with them. Personally, I think it works for them because it gives everyone a second chance (we all like getting one, because we all get carried away at times when we're emotional). It also simply encourages kindness - a kind voice making a kind request. It makes life and play more fun and enjoyable, even with the inevitable disagreements.

I correct, redirect and point out diversity all the time. I do not just model, but openly say, "Do you notice the senior adults up ahead of us? They are not able to walk as quickly as us, and they may stumble very easily. Follow my lead, and let's be extra careful when sharing an aisle with them." I might stop everyone before ordering and show them how much easier it is to hear a person when you make eye contact and add more strength to your voice. I am forever saying, "Let's look around. What should we do?" This teaches them, and me, that no man is an island. Life is better when we help one another and make ourselves more readily available to those who have a greater need.

First and foremost, I have to model it. Many moms ask me how I teach my kids about living in community because their kids are really selfish. Aren't we all? It starts with me. I show them how I balance this intertwining of lives with also taking care of myself and being an individual. I have nothing to teach or share if I am not practicing it and working it out in my own life.

It's not a five step process. I can't really write it down and capture it. It is built on active listening, conversation, mess up's, repairs and always seeking balance (even when the "middle ground" is a constantly moving target). It is human co-existence in its most basic form.

I happen to adore it.



(photo by Stephanie Hofschlaeger, used with permission)