As an adoptive mom, I lean toward .... well, spending most of my time thinking only of my part of the triad (which, let's be honest, is totally obtuse!).
It's natural that I do that. We focus mostly on our immediate reality. Sucks in a lot of ways, but true.
Yet, it is vital that I continuously learn and hear and accept the truths shared from all sides. Just because I don't agree with them doesn't mean they're not true. My ears are tainted. They are tainted with the pull of being "Mom," and the jealousy that naturally occurs with the fact that my children who were adopted have people and histories that are as deep as their heart and the blood which pumps through it..
Why the heck am I talking about this? Well, I just started writing for "Grown In My Heart" this month. They are offering a conference next fall, and the announcement and choice of keynote has brought about a great deal of discussion. Important discussion. Words from voices which are squelched on a regular basis. Those who get 3% of the stage. Those who are expressing their pain and their passion and their disagreement because they know they speak for others, as well as themselves.
They have a voice, and it must be heard, no matter how uncomfortable it makes us feel.
There are issues in adoption, and it is not okay to just keep saying, "there are issues in adoption." Adoption = pain and loss = children.
It is not okay to just keep saying "there are issues in adoption."
I'm not always popular at parties, and here is yet another post that will keep me off the guest list. I know not everyone wants to push themselves into discomfort for the sake of their children. We say we do, but it is painful and it sucks for us. This is one of those times. I have made myself read the comments and click on the blog links and hear and listen and understand to the best of my ability and honor their massive importance.
They deserve my ear.
They have it.
15 comments:
Thank you for posting this - it's such an important issue. Adoptive parents need to open themselves up to the other sides of the issues, and validate that the flip side of the blessing that adoption has been for us as parents, it started with a tremendous loss for another family.
I have friends on a waiting list for domestic adoption - good people, open to special needs and all sorts of things most people woudl say 'no' to. But I have a hard time feeling pure joy for them, knowing that as the due date they anticipate approaches, so does a tremendous loss for another mother and child.
Life is complicated, huh?
Adoption is so complicated. I think too many in society see adoption as a win-win-win situation, but it's not. It's steeped in loss and sadness. Two years ago, when I really started listening to those silenced voices, I almost keeled over with pain and horror. It's helped me to grow as an adoptive parent. It's helped me to heal my daughter. It's helped me to grow as a Christian. And that? Is why I do my Sunday Linkage every week. They should be heard.
thank you
It definitely isn't all rainbows and lollipops is it?!
We are foster parents to two beautiful little girls (ages 8 & 9) that have been living through EXTREME trauma the last three years before coming to us 2.5 weeks ago. They have turned our house upside-down to say the least!
I was trying to explain to my middle son a little bit about why they are so angry and why they act the say they do. I mentioned that they are angry because someone took them from their house and their family. And even though it was very, very bad there, they miss it. Everything is strange and different at our house.
He looked up in my eyes and said, "Oh, kinda like me huh."
My middle son was adopted at birth through the foster care system. Both of his bio parents made a decision to relinquish at birth. Not because of abuse, or drugs, or any kind of a problem. They sought out relinquishment all on their own. They just weren't in a place to parent and couldn't go through with "leaving" him at the hospital (taking advantage of the Safe Haven laws in place in Iowa). After discussing things with a social worker, they decided that actually terminating rights would go faster and be better for their/our son. They did not want an open adoption.
As my son said "kinda like me" I wanted to scream, "No baby. You were never hurt. Your parents made a choice all on their own. It's not the same." But...it really is. There is loss. Deep profound loss. And their always will be.
Thank you for hearing & accepting the truth of the "other mothers". And thank you even more for writing about this on your blog.
I am just beginning to find my voice; which is growing stronger now that I, myself, believe it is a voice worth sharing.
You can be on my guest list anytime ~ I'm not always popular at parties either!
Susie
Thank you for listing, and thank you for sharing. That is huge!
Thank you for this post. Really. And Lynn, your reply about what your son said almost brought tears to my eyes. It is a HUGE loss, no matter how or why we lost our first parents, and it's not something we will "get over". We deal with it, ya know? But it makes it so much easier to deal with it when our parents recognize it and allow us to speak about it...without making it about themselves, which happens to so many adoptees.
Molly, I don't have shame (not saying that you are implying I do, lol) It is not up to YOU to "carry anyone's pain". You cannot love it away, you cannot "pray" it away, either. It is there. No matter how great our ap's may be, we still went through enormous loses to gain a new family through adoption.
Yes, it is important to focus on "your" children. But don't think for one moment your kids do not think of their first Mother. I have 4 REAL parents, and so do your children. ALL adopted children do. If we did not, 2 would NOT exist. There really is no "MY" in adoption, except for feelings. Adoption changes your name- not your past and not your DNA. The phrase "MY children" is usually a phrase that arches the backs of many adoptees. Not ALL, but many.
I hear you on the party guest thing....
Thank you, Christine. (Christine was my birth name.) It's nice to be listened to instead of being patronized and dismissed.
Two comments removed via author's request.
As an adoptive mother of a former foster child, I definitely wouldn't go as far as some of these writers in condemning adoption. But I appreciate their perspective. I've always felt uncomfortable about the way the term "birth mother" minimizes that mother and I like the suggestion of using the more honorary "first mother."
There's a bumper sticker for my church's adoption agency that reads "Adoption: It's all about love." I've always thought it might be more accurate to read "Adoption: It's all about loss." No matter how much love is involved in adoption, we have to get real about, and honor, the loss and grief involved too.
Thanks Christine :-)
Angela, you'd probably agree with them more than you'd think :-) To my knowledge, none of the referenced authors that I am familiar with condemn the adoption that everyone thinks of: providing needy children with homes. They condemn the current state of adoption. Providing needy children with homes does not need to entail alllll that adoption currently entails. Adoption laws are antiquated. Adoption is unregulated. U.S. adoption is lightyears behind other democracies in the world--it's quite sad.
To say that these issues have been weighing heavy on my heart lately is a total understatement. I been following some of your links and nodding my head so much I feel like a bobble head. Why aren't more adoptive families talking about this stuff? In my opinion, addressing THESE issues is TRULY what orphan care is all about. Point my in the direction of an orphan conference talking about these and I'm there (if I have the money and the babysitter)! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, for bringing up a topic that some of us are too scared to talk about in most adoption circles.
I know this is an old post, but I'm going through your archives, and this post speaks to me right now. It's hard to deal with the jealousy, it really is—I have two kids through adoption. They were in foster care for four years. I know they think about their first mom all the time. They go through phases where they think about her LITERALLY all the time. The hardest thing in adoption, for me as an adoptive mother, is to let go of my ego and my hurt feelings and my desire to be everything to them…and be the grownup. It's SO HARD.
Sometimes I wonder if it's easier for those of you who have birth children. That's another thing that's not easy to talk about. These are my only children…does that make it harder for me to share them?
Oh, and also—nice triangle pun.
Nope, it doesn't!
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