Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Hallo-weeee will get through this

Last year I stayed home on Halloween with a few of my children. We had not been in our new house very long and there was much, much, much acting out. It was the perfect evening to sabotage. So we had a quiet evening at home. Did some things together, but it was low key and not the sensory overload that is Gonzales Texas' rockin' Halloween festivities.

This year is different. My goodness, it is a little crazy to look back on all of the healing that has happened in the past 365 days. Moving, of course, took everyone a step backward. But wow - we have certainly caught up and blown the doors off all things attachment. It has been hard, hard work with a dash of niacin.

So, one of my kids is starting to feel the urge to sabotage. Their "hurt part" says, "You didn't get to go to the crazy BIG stuff last year because you're bad. So, blow it again this year!" Now, the most humorous part of this is how this child is dipping their toe into the retro sabotage. It's little things. Comical. So, it makes it pretty easy to redirect. Today I was actually able to say, "Really? We're gonna' do this?" lift my eyebrows and receive a smile and immediate fix.

It's just Wednesday. I'm sure things will increase, but I have no doubt I can help my kid through this one. The simple fact that Halloween, in general, is not a trigger for any of my kids anymore, is astronomical.

Remember, the healing doesn't mean that the behaviors just vanish. I used to assume that. I used to hear Nancy Thomas speak of a "last hurrah!" that some kids would have before attaching. So, of course, in my head that meant a few weeks of CRAZY and then attachment and lasting change (meaning: better behavior - right away!). I know, I know. I was pretty much smokin' dope, but we've all done it.

Happy Halloween - whatever that means for your family!

(photo by Shelley Keith, used with permission)


J & A said...

This is probably super annoying, but do you mind answering questions? I hate to be too personal or obnoxious or anything, but I really don't know much about RAD.

Is there a way to tell if your (generic your) kids have attached? Do the behaviors disappear after a long time post-attachment? Like, what is an attached but formerly RAD adult like? (Or maybe there's no 'formerly RAD'?)

Thanks for your blog - it's seriously awesome in all aspects. Happy Halloween to you guys too!

Unknown said...

Are we Facebook friends? Friend me and ask away. That way we can break it down and you can be really specific.

Mama Drama Times Two said...

Oh so very amazing to see how far you've all comein this short year- kinda makes you wonder what you'll be blogging next Halloween?? Hmmm.

Lydia said...

I am interested in this idea of a last hurray before 4 year old has been more difficult lately. He was doing well and then wham a lot of chattering and questions and always always demanding attention...not "normal" but because he is 4 I expect chatter and questions and some demanding but how do you know if it is attachment or is hard to know.

Andy and Kiara said...

Have you done a post about the niacin, and how you've approached that with your family? I'd really like to learn more, and hear from families who have successfully used it and what dose they started with, where they bought it (and in what form), etc.

Thanks for any help! :)

Unknown said...

Jennifer, you may find your child making more consistent eye contact, cuddling more naturally, having fewer behaviors from the "old days" ... those can be signs of attachment.

Denise Best says in her therapeutic parenting manual that you know when a child is healing when they:

- voluntarily (or with some prompts) verbalizes how they are feeling
- voluntarily and appropriately asks for help (when it's legitimate)
- accepts help without having a physiological reaction, and
- when they smile back!

So, those things can happen while the drive-you-crazy behaviors still exist. Watch for the connection.

Unknown said...

A and K, go to the search box at the top of my blog and search for "niacin." Don't just read posts, but read comments as well, from others!

Sha Zam- said...

As secure trends are taking place where anxiety has ruled for so long here in this house.... I AM SOOOOO GETTING WHAT YOU WRITE! Keep it coming. healing healing everywhere.

Brenda said...

I have to admit, I'm glad our youngest is 15 and we are pretty much past the whole Halloween thing. I did buy 3 pumpkins and sat them on the counter to carve if they wanted. 2 of the 3 are carved. Both my ex-radlings carved theirs. They get to take turns passing out candy at the door which they can do very appropriately. I quickly donate left over candy to church for Awana after Halloween is over.

Lydia said...

Christine: Thanks you for the helpful advice. I have benefited greatly from your site and your videos. I showed the chattering and questions one to my husband so he would know that it is an adoption thing and not just a Joshua thing. It has really helped. One more question?? Joshua will cuddle and snuggle us anytime we ask or he wants too. But it is usually a very short time...1 or 2 min. I have several bio kids and some of them are snuggly and some are not as much. What is your expectation for snuggling ...weird question.

Unknown said...

Jennifer, our other kids got the constant touch those first 2-3 years. Our hurting kids either didn't get enough, or their trauma side-railed what they did get.

They need it. A lot of it. So, try to extend those cuddle times, and work on hugging 7-10 times a day. Touch, touch, touch. Magical healing stuff.

Lydia said...

OK...I am on it!! :)