Therapeutic Parenting - Feelings

Note: You can download my YouTube videos onto your computer using KeepVid. THEN, you can burn them to a DVD, pop them onto your iPod ... whatever. It's free - all Christine, all the time.

Scary.

Therapeutic Parenting - When Our Kids are Stuck

Note: You can download my YouTube videos onto your computer using KeepVid. THEN, you can burn them to a DVD, pop them onto your iPod ... whatever. It's free - all Christine, all the time.

Scary.

Therapeutic Parenting - The Power of Your Voice

Alternate Title: "The Power of a Too-Full Coffee Mug to Distract From the Message"

Sorry.

I have a dream

I have a dream that one day, every single person who is parenting a traumatized child will have free access to therapeutic parent training.

Each of these children will receive affordable, trained and conveniently located therapists.

These parents will be provided respite care ... that can be trusted ... so they can do the work.

Because it only works if you do it day after day after day.

And you can't even DO it, if you can't afford to seek out the help in the first place. And you can't KEEP doing it when the process of parenting brings up so much of your own stuff, and you can't even afford to get help to deal with YOUR stuff so you can then deal with your KID'S stuff and ...

So, in the meantime, I'm going to be doing more of this:

Therapeutic Parenting - Finding the Positive

(this is a public video on YouTube - the point is FREE and HELPFUL information - cause, ya' know, these are our kids - pass it on)

Shame, shame on you

A big thanks to Ursula for being so candid in the comments on Monday's post. It thrills my soul when people just put it out there. You're feeling it - might as well say it and see what you can figure out (of course, this is coming from the woman who told her local Jehovah's Witness, "Come on. Own it! You TOTALLY think I'm going to hell."). I think Ursula asked the age-old therapeutic parenting question: "How do we KNOW they are acting out in shame and fear? How do we actually KNOW they feel that all the time?"

I have wondered the same thing. You don't see it, so how do you know? Who is the person who was able to climb into their heads? Where did this whole theory come from????



It came from the children, themselves.



Some of them have healed and attached enough to talk openly. Some have grown into adulthood and can now share their stories. We have learned so very much from those who have literally walked in our kids' shoes, but were given the help they needed to find healing ... and can now help.

What I found so very interesting about Denise Best was how most of the things in her presentation came directly from the children she treats. She uses their words. She sees these things over and over and over again.

And she sees how therapeuitc parenting really does work over and over and over again.

Now, in this discussion, I want to share something which was finally explained to me in detail - the difference between shame and guilt. It's like I always knew they were somehow different, but had never known how to distinguish it in words, nor had it been done for me.

In "Therapeutic Parenting for Traumatized Children," Denise defines it simply:

Guilt says "I feel bad about what I did."
Shame says "I am ALL bad because of what I did."

After her years and years of experience with kids just like ours, she says, "It is common for children to display a lack of remorse for their behavior, this should not be confused with their level of shame."

Our kids don't feel bad for the other person. They immediately slip into feeling bad about themselves. They don't feel they are good. The shame just builds and builds and builds. Yet, all we see are these very defiant, manipulative and pain in the ask-me-no-more-questions behaviors! Grrrrrrrr. Check out what other people are finding ...

Daniel Goleman (author of "Emotional Intelligence") is studying the role that shame plays in relationship difficulties and violent behavior - and finding a correlation.

I have been getting back into the groove of acknowledging my child's shame - not buying into the miscues. However, earlier today, we were all outside setting fires (we do live in the country - don't freak). This child had a disagreement with a sibling. They weren't necessarily wrong in what they did, but they could have handled it better. No biggie. Yet, when I pointed it out and asked them to fix it, BOOM, the body language shifted, as did the face and voice. Being fresh off the therapeutic parenting conference, I used that as MY red flag to immediately address the feeling behind the action.

First, I was standing a good distance away from them. The whole situation probably made my child feel very exposed.

I walked closer. "Sweatheart, ya' know, this really isn't that big of a deal. There was just a more productive way to handle it. Not a big deal." Smile. Rub on the back. Play with the hair. "I'm right here." Just a long, very quiet pause. The other two girls had walked off. Finally, I asked, "Are you feeling strong enough to go make it right with your sister?" "Yeahhhhh." "Would you like to do it by yourself, or would you like me to be with you?"

Hug and kiss and an "I love being your mom," and they ran off to take care of it on their own.

It was actually something as insignificant as wishing they had a walking stick as cool as their sister's.

A stick.

We have millions out here. But that minor altercation combined with a correction which left them feeling very vulnerable. No matter what my voice sounded like, or what my intention was, or how big I was smiling ... my. child. felt. shamed.

"As with any feeling, when shame is denied it will only resurface to create even more pain and havoc." ("Shame & Psychotherapy" by Marc Miller, Ph.D.)

It's not that they're getting away with anything. They need natural consequences. They need to fix things. But they need us to give them a way to do it which builds them up instead of tearing down what is already flattened.

Ya' know the phrase "being judge and jury?" I have this great desire inside of me to make sure my kids feel really bad about what they did. I just do. Please don't shame me for that. *wink*

I joke, but I DO! I have caught myself trying to come up with more I can do or say, because my kids don't appear to feel badly enough for what they did. Dr Paul Eckman, from the University of California, says there is no emotion more private than shame. In fact, humans have not developed any facial expression that definitively expresses it.

Ah, CRAP!

"My name is Christine, and I'm a shamer."

I've had all the same questions and concerns that Ursula has. I have worried that by addressing shame and doing a quick "redo" or a "fix" that my kids will blow off the severity of ALL they do, and won't heal and won't change their behavior. I very clearly remember the day I took a deep breath, and thought, "These people who are advising this aren't just pulling it out of their butts. They have healed it. They have walked with families. Some of them have been unattached and/or traumatized themselves. They have seen it with their own eyes, and they know it works, which is why they keep telling more and more people to do it. They're not gluttons for punishment."

I had to trust their experience and try it, or say, "Screw it. My kids are somehow magically different."

I took a step of faith. It felt horrible. Many days it felt like it wasn't enough. The behaviors actually lessened, but that felt like I wasn't coming down on them hard enough - like I needed to see their misery. Some days it is SO HARD. It is SO BACKWARD. It's not like there aren't consequences, but I WOULD FEEL BETTER IF THEY WERE BIG, FAT CONSEQUENCES BECAUSE SOME DAYS THEIR STUFF IS SO CONSTANT IT IS OUTNUMBERING OXYGEN MOLECULES!

I will confess (lots of those today, huh?), I have a little journal I keep on my computer of things I want to do ... things I want to say ... consequences I want to instill. It helps me. I absolutely have moments where I walk into the bathroom, glare at the mirror and say things like, "You. little. *!%*!&*^%$!"

What happens in my bathroom stays in my bathroom.

So, I absolutely do believe our kids feel shame and fear a lot. My child is attaching and healing, so theirs is less, but it is still there. They can talk about it now. They can thank me for stopping and looking past the behavior and saying, "I'm right here. This seems to be a tough day for you." They can say THANK YOU!

I told my kid about this post, and asked them why I have never (until recently) ever seen any shame in them. "Cause I HIDE IT! Duh!"

:)

My child is yet another person who totally knows what they're talking about.




(photo by Julia)

Magical Milk Pic-o-the-Week

I can't help it. I have favorites. And this is one of them. This sweet angel was born in Haiti Saturday.

"Mdnight emergency C-section for placental abruption in our makeshift ER. Amazing team. Apgar 2 then 4. Baby and mom doing great this morning! Two more lives saved!!!!!!!"

From Beth McHoul at Heartline Ministries.

Give generously.

Sharing all I learned from the Denise Best conference

Am I the only therapeutic parent who goes to a conference and wishes you could push the "fast forward" button to skip past the intro info (yes, I know how attachment happens and how it does not happen, etc., etc. - just tell me what to do when my kid jumps out a second story window!)?

So, anywho, I attended the Denise L. Best conference "Therapeutic Interventions for Traumatized Children." One of my favorite moms was there, L. Her mother was also there, and took such great care of me ... mainly because I'm a big doof head, and showed up with a dead cell phone, no charger, and lunch plans (pending our TEXTS!) with Amy.



Yeah, big loser. Thank the Lord someone ELSE'S mother was there to lend me hers, wipe my nose and pin a note to my shirt so I wouldn't do that again. :) She and her husband read my blog, so everyone say, "Hi, therapeutic grandparents!"

First, and foremost, you can order Denise's booklet, "Therapeutic Parenting for Traumatized Children." It will give you all the meat of her conference. Worth it. When you order it, tell her hello for me!

Okay, on to the good stuff.

Let me tell you her two soap box issues (meaning, they kept resurfacing over and over). First is the fact that the #1 trauma trigger for all of our children is yelling.

I can say that again, if I need to. :) And when you do yell at your kids, you fix it and redo it right away. You make it right.

The second thing was how our kids will repeat the behaviors which receive the most attention. Which does not mean I go running in, praising my daughter when she is sitting quietly and NOT creating chaos. However, it means I need to go and connect with her more and more in those moments.

Now, let me tell you the things which I needed most (all of which were reminders - and BOY, did I need them):

* Separate the "hurt part" from your child (in our house we call them the "big feelings"). "Seems like the big feelings really took over earlier. What will you do next time so that doesn't happen again?" Or something like, "Wow. What was up with all that? I think I have figured it out, but was wondering if you have."

* It's all in what you say and how you say it. Do not ask them if they did something. Do not ask them WHY they did something (... Christine, are you listening to yourself???). You know they did it. Just say, "What were you hoping would happen when _______________?"

* Our kids feel shame ... all. the. time. They feel shame after making poor choices. Then, the shame moves them into a mode where the behaviors begin to snowball, and they believe in the shame. They need us to help them out of that cycle. THEY CANNOT DO IT THEMSELVES.

* Denise used the term "miscue." It's basically this: their poor behavior is a miscue. You know how married couples will argue over something like the toilet seat being left up, and you hear people say, "It's never just about the toilet seat!"? THAT is what is going on with our kids. Their miscues are there to avoid dealing with what is really going on. WE CANNOT BUY INTO THE MISCUE. If we join them in the argument or the behavior escalation, we are actually helping them keep the truth and the real hurt all covered up. Here's a good tip: if you want to yell at your child and your big feelings are escalating, you are probably dealing with a miscue! :)

* Our children have a degree of brain damage. It can be changed. When they keep doing things over and over and over again it is not sadistic behavior. They just honestly believe that THIS time they'll be good enough to not get caught. We cannot do what we need to do as parents, if we cannot accept the fact that this is medical and physical. This point really got me in the gut, because I have kids who are attaching and healing. It was easier to accept this when I knew every single thing they did smelled of trauma. Now the disorder and the hints of normalcy are all jumbled together. IT IS REALLY HARD TO DO THIS.

* Denise said it takes the parents in her practice a full six months of therapeutic parent training before they feel like they really have a grip on what they're doing. I'm telling you this as an encouragement. My husband and I started therapeutic parenting from the first day our hurting kids came home. Yet, we had to DO it to really get GOOD at it. And that took months. And only then did the kids start to take steps forward (with plenty of regression and escalation). It takes ongoing therapeutic parenting to get them attaching and healing. IT TAKES TIME.

* One big thing for me was the reminder to let them repair their mess-ups and move on. We heard a whole lot about shame. I am the worst about inflicting more shame on my kids than necessary. I can put on my big-girl panties and confess. I do it for me. No doubt about it. It feels good. I'm paying them back for their behavior. My own impulsive reactions to their behaviors cause me to ... well, be a complete moron. It's not just me and it's not just kids of trauma. That is how our society works and it is how we deal with children at large. This week I am getting back in the habit of correcting quickly, giving them a redo or some ideas on how they can fix what was done, and WALKING AWAY!

* Denise refers to the symptoms of RAD as their "How to Survive" Manual. I LOVE THAT! I seriously need to tattoo that to my forehead.

* 75% of what we say to our children need to be questions (NOT "Why?" questions). Oh my COW, that's easier said than done. Again, this goes against how most people in our society parent and how we were parented. We have to change from our norm ... from our default.

* Check out L's post on the soft neurological tests she discussed. Have done these with all of my children. All five have problems somewhere. I knew this, but it was very fascinating to see it right in front of me. Am currently putting together our own daily program of neurological reorganization. Would love input from anyone who has done this. We do not have the money to get the kids evaluated, but they will all benefit from the exercises. So, we're just starting where we are, with the information I have.

* Put your hand up in front of your face ... just about three inches away. THAT is where our traumatized kids live. No big picture. No ability to look ahead and behave accordingly. They are completely reactive in the moment. Maybe they forgot about being corrected earlier in the day, but in one split second, they have a big feeling, remember that moment and - BOOM! - react. Then, they slide straight into shame. They need our help. They want our help, they just wish it wasn't so scary to accept it.

* Instead of answering their questions with "No," say, "Yes, when ..." or "Not right now."

* On the whole shame thing ... think of your very favorite food. Imagine having it fresh and right in front of you (a lot of it). Imagine eating it and savoring it and going just a bit too far - eating too much. Now, how do you feel? How long do you feel that regret afterward? Yet, for some of us, we will do it again. That is how our kids are with their behaviors. Their reactiveness brings quick euphoria, following by regret and shame. Yet, they have always relied only on themselves, so they must hide the shame and regret. They do that with ... fill-in-a-symptom-of-RAD.

* Parenting a traumatized child will bring out your stuff. Do you think you have unresolved issues? Parent one of these kids, and you'll find out. Want to be the kind of parent your child needs? Get busy working through that stuff, and know when to ask for help. (frick, I really hate this one!)

* My kids have been strong enough to tell me when I, or someone else in our lives, reminds them of a trauma. Sometimes they can't even tell WHAT reminds them, but I can help them identify that, yes, in fact, cold weather brings up really big feelings. Ask your kids if you ever remind them of a traumatic memory or a person? Could be you are not smiling to your eyes, and your face and body posture is triggering them.

Okay ... I'll stop there for today. Will pick back up Wednesday! Questions? You can always email me. christinemoers [at] hotmail [dot] com

Diet and Behavior

I'm sitting in the Austin Children's Museum while my birthday girl, Twitchy Mac, enjoys some uninterrupted creative time. I knew it would give me a chance to blog, but my brain seems to just be numb lately.

But, alas, we entered the museum, and the newest copy of Parent: Wise was out. The lead story? "You are What You Eat: Kids & Behavior Modification Diets."

It's like they knew I was coming. So, I set up shop and dove in to see what they had to say. A lot of times the media doesn't come down nearly as staunchly as I would like to see. There's the whole, "Gotta' please our sponsors" thing.

It's talking about The Feingold Diet, developed by Dr. Benjamin Feingold in 1973 (when I was celebrating my first birthday). Basically, he was working on this approach to help children with allergic reactions. It involved eliminating specific salicylates and food additives. The best part? They began to discover in many cases that not only were the allergic reactions improved, but the child's behaviors also improved dramatically.

There was much controversy and people poo-poo'd on Feingold.

Fast forward to 2008. The American Academy of Pediatrics reviewd an extremely thorough British study that says the diet still makes sense and produces amazing result. The AAP ducked its tail and stated, "... even we skeptics, who have long doubted parental claims of the effects of various foods on the behavior of their children, admit we might have been wrong."

THANK YOU!

There is no magic pill, but there are some very magically effective combinations on which you can build your life: sleep, diet and environment.

Now, The Feingold Diet also recommends removing gluten, which used to be extremely difficult. However, just this past week I was in the grocery store and stood in front of a massive selection of gluten free baking products - just the regular HEB down the road.

I know I bark up this tree a lot. Yet, I do so because I believe in it. I believe in it because I've seen in with my own eyes, experienced it with my own body, and parented it in each of my children. I have watched the change happen. It is sooooo worth it!

I've touched on how niacin has been a help to Marah. We decided to give it a try after reading all the work Dr. Abram Hoffer had done with schizophrenic patients. Niacin is extremely safe. It could not hurt, so why not try it, ya' know? It quickly peeled back one of Marah's layers. Most kids with neurological issues have vitamin B-3 (niacin) deficiency or dependency, depending on how it's playing out in their body. For Marah, it removed a lot of the extreme dysregulated emotional barrier, so that she had more control over her behaviors. She still has every desire to be defiant, but it's as if the emotions were keeping her from using the cause-and-effect thinking she DID have. I can also crack a joke now in the middle of a confrontation and get a smile. She may still absolutely refuse to do what she was asked to do, but she can move to a positive emotion and express her opposition. HUGE.

Now, not every kid who eats a poor diet, does not get adequate sleep and lives in a stressful house is going to end up with massive behavior problems. However, there are those of us who are prone to these things. And those who are juggling it all and still "okay," could be BETTER! Beautiful!

Diet and nutrition make a difference.

It is hard to make those kinds of changes, so I see it more as though my children have a life-threatening illness and need constant care. It is tiring to plan meals ... and cook them ... and clean up after them. So, I coordinate as much help as I can among family members. I see it as though I am changing dressings, switching out a constant IV drip, monitoring oxygen levels. I just don't have a doctor saying, "You HAVE to do this or your kid won't get better." I've had to tell myself.

Every day.

Over and over and over and over.

Anywho, it is so very refreshing to see the choice of healthy products in my local grocery stores changing - literally - week-to-week. To see the lead story of a local parenting publication focusing on nutrition and behavior. To have a doctor smile and nod when I say, "Once we're settled, Mackenzie and I both would like to start weaning off our anti-depressants and focus on nutrition and vitamin therapy." It's becoming less of an uphill battle.

Pardon me while I do a little dance in the middle of this foyer. Mac is off running around somewhere, so she won't be embarrassed.

Here are some of Andrew Saul's articles which specifically speak on issues regarding children. His stuff has been a big help to us in the past six months. He's also in the movie, "Food Matter" (you can find the ad link to that over on the right side of my blog - can go to that site and watch in online for cheap):

Baby Veggie Diet
Bipolar Kids
Child Behavior Management
Children's Doctor
Earaches
Fast Food/Junk Food
Whooping Cough

Dread sleeves for Haiti, and other stuff

As Facebooked, I taught myself to make peyote stitch dread sleeves. This was a very tedious and exhausting process (the learning part - now it's not too big of a deal). It forced me to NOT think about NOT knowing if my kids Haitian family is alive and safe, and NOT dwelling every single second on what that will look and feel like if they are NOT okay, and NOT pretending I'm NOT thinking about it by obsessing over so many friends NOT having their Haitian children home with them.

God bless menial things.







And my little Haitian flag.




On another note, I'm pretty sure I've told you how my son, Rocky, would never let us forget "kisses and hugs" at bedtime. However, he also insisted on us just kissing the top of his head for many months. We finally worked our way to forehead. Well, about two weeks ago he walked in for our nightly ritual. I said, "Rocky, my boy, tonight I am going to kiss you on the cheek. You will not die, I promise. Take a few deep breaths to prepare yourself, and get your yumminess over here." Only about a week of giggling and wiggling as though my mouth was a massive tickle machine. Now, he actually turns his head and gives me his cheek. The very closest the two of us have ever been.

Tomorrow is Mackenzie's (Twitchy Mac's) birthday. The Disorder Which Shall Not be Named was sure to do its darndest today to try to ruin the week for her. Ah, how soon we forget who the mother of the house is. And Mom always has a plan.

Ooooo, THAT is the tattoo I should get. On my forearm: "I always have a plan." Or maybe across my forehead?

Thursday I go back to Austin to spend the day with the birthday girl. She'll be enjoying some uninterrupted time at the Children's Museum (I have a feeling she will not leave the craft room - I will be killing time on a bench with my laptop if anyone cares to join me). I think she wants to get a haircut somewhere fun. Amy's Ice Cream is on the agenda, as well as meeting up with my sister-in-law for a girlie dinner.

Friday I head to the conference in San Antonio, to learn even more about The Disorder Which Shall Not be Named and what it means to parent said disorder. Will take impeccable notes and share the wealth. My partner in crime for the day will be L, from My Sweet Chaos. Will get to meet up with Cammie and Amy for lunch. FUN! They've never met each other, but know many of the same people. It's like a blind date for friends, or something.

If my husband is lucky, I'll actually come home.

Will let you know.

Magical Milk Pic-o-the-Week

Woman of the Madi tribe breastfeeding her baby. Uganda, 1947.

(photo by Eliot Elisofon)

Over $12,000 for Haiti - in a little nook on Sixth Street

Got to go to the "Hope for Haiti" benefit concert tonight. Marah was my date.

$12,000 in one night. The whole thing was put together in about 24 hours. 100% of admission and sales are going straight to RHFH.

There were a lot of really fun moments. First, my kids absolutely adore Jimmie Ingram. Seriously - he's like a magnet. Of course, after watching him play, Marah is convinced he's Super Man. So, my 37-year-old exhausted butt asked her if she wanted to leave a bit early. "I am tired, but ... well, let's wait. I want to tell Jimmie bye." :)

Got to see three of my favorite people: Jamie, Laura and Maris. (Laura, you realize, don't you, that you're a blog loser!?! Come on - jump on the wagon!)

Oh! Oh! Oh! I got CARDED! And my daughter was extremely embarrassed when I told the guy at the door that I wanted to kiss him on the mouth. Eh, well. That's what she gets for hanging with me.

At one point, Jamie showed me a Facebook post from Tara - "I just tucked your kid in. He is well." At which point, I shared in the sweetness of that moment, turned back to the concert, and had a quick, ugly cry for my friends who are not with their children tonight.

Quote of the night: "We're on frickin' 6th Street singing 'It Is Well With My Soul!'" - Jamie Ivey. I did stand there for a minute, trying to think of another time I have been in a corporate worship experience where everyone was finishing up their beer. Came up empty.

I have two new music crushes - Matt McCloskey and Miranda Dodson. I am seriously crazy about Miranda's stuff. She's just ... totally up my alley.

A selfish aside: no, we still have not heard about the well-being of the kids' first family. We have received an email from our contact there and she wanted us to know she will specifically attempt to locate them for us. Yet, she has many, many people relying on her right now. We continue to wait.

A very positive and ENJOYABLE evening with my daughter. We have never shared such a positive experience in all our time together. Eight hours - just the two of us. She was chatty, but very, very regulated. When you consider all the newness and the crowds ... well, she did amazingly well, and had a very good time!

All that to say ... $12,000 which is headed to RHFH!!

Residential Treatment Centers - when do they come into play?

I don't know that you can parent a traumatized child and NOT spend time thinking through the question, "When would we need to utilize a Residential Treatment Center?" In a world of lots of alphabet diagnoses, we refer to these as RTC's. I know many of you have needed to use an RTC, or have children currently in a treatment center and I am, in no way, saying they should not be there. This is directed at those who are just now hitting a point with their kids where they realize this may be a possibility one day. I'm just sharing our thought process based on research and close work with our attachment therapist, answering the big question, "When?."

We spent a lot of time on this discussion before our most recent adoption, knowing we would be parenting siblings sharing extreme trauma. We educated ourselves on how this is sometimes one of the rare times it is sometimes best to separate siblings. We weren't sure how much of our kids' issues were attachment-related and how much was abuse-related. We read and read and studied and studied and consulted and consulted and consulted. Then, we just had to start sifting through their behaviors before we could figure it all out (and seriously - you can never actually figure it ALL out).

RTC's should always be your last-ditch effort. We knew that. Our children suffered internally because they lacked the vital attachment process in early childhood. Putting them in an RTC would never, ever, facilitate attachment. Like, never. They would not heal without attaching to US - Mom and Dad. So, our goal was to build a network around us so that we could survive extreme behaviors at home (most which would manifest to try to keep us at a distance), and hopefully avoid any kind of out-of-home placement, albeit temporary.

For us, a Residential Treatment Center would (and will) only come into play if our children became a danger to themselves or others.

Easy to say, but we then had to decide exactly what THAT meant and what THAT looked like. I could have easily made a phone call the first day my life was threatened. Yet, my first question has always had to be: "Can we keep everyone safe and keep them at home?"

Sometimes that has meant alarms on doors. It has always meant extreme limits on who can play with who, who can and cannot wrestle or tickle, who can or cannot ever be unattended with another, more vulnerable child. Deborah Hage has a brilliant article titled "Teaching Self Control to Children Out of Control." We really do have a lot of options in a multitude of situations.

And we have had a few things slip through the cracks.

What a simple sentence to describe something which is usually horrific. *sigh*

Yet, we could figure out where the "breach" was in our boundaries. Each time we have been able to say, "Okay, can this, these particular behaviors, still be managed at home? (*insert hours of consulting with more people, experts, therapists and knowledgeable friends*) Yes, it can. And it won't look like normal parenting, but at least we have found a way to keep them here. They are still at home. This can be done, right now, in this situation."

Now, don't get me wrong. In these times, we have had to stop and grieve heavily. I have had to mourn that things did regress, that things did get worse, that our home does occasionally have to look like an RTC. Yet, it would look like that if they were at an RTC, minus their family, plus a lot of strangers.

This is also when you start to have people openly question your parenting. They would never question what goes on in a Residential Treatment Center - ever. Yet, you take that approach in your home, to make sure they can STAY at home, and oh my ...

FYI: I sell extra thick skin with "www.welcometomybrain.net" emblazoned across it. Just send $9.99 + shipping and handling.

My son, from trauma, has crossed "the line" slightly in the last 21 months. My hurting gal has danced over it with the fanfare of a Mardi Gras parade! I can think of three times I have gone to bed truly believing the very next day would be the day we would have to place her in an RTC. There is a phone conversation forever marred into my memory, as I was recounting the events of the day to our therapist (which involved breaking INTO the house when asked to go outside, and all sorts of other things) and I asked, "What am I missing? What else should I do?" "Christine, you're doing everything right." And all I could think was, "Oh. Holy. Crap."

Yet, when we would re-group and refresh our therapeutic parenting knowledge and keep several people on speed dial (and actually CALL them!), we were able to help her pull out of it. It was still absolutely miserable, but she was no longer putting anyone in immediate danger.

It is a difficult balance. There are times and there are situations when a child must live somewhere else. Some children need very strict separation from bio/adoptive siblings - they must heal first before they can slowly be reintroduced to a family setting with younger children (if ever). A child who does go to their room when asked, and leaves the alarmed door closed and throws, kicks, screams, bashes, destroys, crashes, etc. .... well, that child still is not an immediate danger to anyone. While we experienced MAJOR escalation just after putting our daughter in her own room with an alarm, she now tells us that she needed it and was thankful for it.

When it came to my husand and I - we had to face the way things would look at home. The aggression would be directed toward us, because attaching to us is a terrifying thought. Terrifying. If we could handle that well, and stay regulated, our children would then go after their siblings ... to hurt us and try to guarantee keeping us separated. They may go after pets. So, we have always had to be willing to exhaust every single concept and theory and resource and breathing expert we can access ... to keep our kids at home if at all humanly possible.

We have also had to find ways to keep ourselves refreshed and emotionally healthy (I know, I know - easier said than done!). Our house has often looked like an RTC, yet the "staff" doesn't get to go home when their shift is over. We ARE the staff and we already ARE at home! Sometimes you have to work just as hard at giving yourself a break as you do at therapeutic parenting. I've gotten very good at it over the years, as our family has grown, but it didn't come naturally.

And last, but certainly not least, if we ever do need to utilize an RTC, our goal will be to get them back home as soon as possible, and to make sure we have thoroughly dissected ourselves to make sure there isn't something we're doing which made their escalation happen more quickly.

As I write this post, my daughter has chosen to give me a foot rub (she did something wrong on purpose this morning - and they can come up with something they would like to do to put love back into my heart). We were discussing this post and I was asking her thoughts. I said, "To be completely honest, honey, I think in about two weeks flat I could parent you in such a way that you WOULD escalate and harm someone and end up in an RTC." She responded, "Oh, WAY faster than that."

That's the flip-side of all of this. Our kids live in a heightened state already. We really do have a lot of control over not making it worse. If we keep that at the foundation of these questions and decisions, we can do some preventative maintenance and increase our chances of keeping our kids at home with us, where the real healing happens.

Her timer went off at the five-minute mark and she actually said, "I want to keep rubbing your feet while we talk. Is that okay?"





(photo by Jascha Hoste)

Haiti: Today I'm asking for ...

... safety for our extended family in Haiti.

Rosemene Joseph, age 42, who gave life and love to two of my children. Who carried the weight as best she could as the family struggled desperately through illness and frightening hunger, ultimately choosing the heart-wrenching decision to allow someone else to parent them. There is no WIC in Haiti. There is no Medicaid. There is no government funded childcare. There are not enough choices to keep every family together. That must change.

My daughter's middle name is "Rose" so that she always has a piece of her first mother with her.




We cry out for strength for their first father, Luc Aldor, age 52. He has sacrificed for all seven of his children. He is a good father (we have been told this by those who know him well). In illness, he was left helpless. His circumstances years ago left him with the most devastating decision as a father. He is a man of faith. My son took "Luke" as his middle name when we finalized their adoptions, so he, too, could carry his father's name with him.




My kids' oldest sister, Lourdie, is now 21. She shares strabismus with my daughter, although she was able to have her eyes repaired upon entering the states. Lourdie wears a prosthetic leg due to an amputation from an infection a few years ago. She was not able to get adequate medical care to save her appendage. Our contact, in Haiti, Karen, was made known of Lourdie's need for a prosthetic, and her organization helped with this. That's how their connection came to be. It was through months and months of random web searches, and Karen posting a picture of Lourdie, with her name, that we were able to reestablish contact with them.




Sarah is 14. She was 13 when this picture was taken last year. I imagine she made sure to be wearing her favorite things, knowing they were taking pics to send back to her siblings.



David is now 8 years old. My kids remember him very well. They spent some time together in orphanages, when their family was at their most desperate points of struggle.



Jenisca is 6 years old. I can see her sister so much in her face.



Dhimel is 4 years old. Could you just eat this kid up??



The Aldor family lives near Bernard Mevs Hospital on Airport Road. From what I can gather, that is in the Mais Gate area of Delmas 33. It's one area where we are NOT finding a lot of information on the web. Those who do know the Aldor's are giving aid to, literally, one hundred people in their own area (actually in their yard - 100 people living in their yard!).

We wait and we pray.

I want to eat better, but ...

Once upon a time ...

I was fat.

I felt heavy and thick all the time.

I was depressed.

I didn't want my husband to touch me, because I didn't like myself.

I couldn't stop eating crap which made me feel like crap, because it gave me momentary relief from said crap feeling.

I was on a merry-go-round of blecgh.

And I didn't know where to start, because it just seemed too overwhelming.

Here is an idea for you - so you can do something NOW:

Have one day a week where you feel 100% positive about everything you eat. Breakfast, lunch, snack and dinner. No guilt because it's healthy and will feed your body good stuff.

For breakfast, build your own cereal. One of my favorite ways is to layer plain oats, some fresh berries of some sort, wheat germ and honey.

If you don't want the oats, just buy some plain Cheerios (or the organic brands) and do the same thing. Do you like nuts? Throw a few on there too. Heck, why not some unsweetened coconut flakes? For an added treat, without refined sugars, use vanilla soy milk. You'll have all of this leftover, so who knows? You may make another inventive cereal later in the week cause you can!

For lunch, buy either a loaf of bread (Oroweat has no high fructose corn syrup) or some whole wheat tortillas. Make a sandwich or a wrap using only fresh vegetables. Heck, even natural peanut butter and an all fruit spread is a great choice! What do you like? Maybe sliced avocado, tomato, some dark green lettuce of some sort? You don't have to have deli meat to make a delicious sandwich/wrap. Come on, you're only planning for this one day, so pile it on with things you don't normally buy, but enjoy.

Now, guess what? You also have leftovers for other lunches. Hmmmm ... see how that works?

And now on to dinner. Buy a box of whole wheat pasta (cook according to package directions). Penne is a good choice for this dish. Grab a small onion, some garlic, a large can of crushed tomatoes, one can of red beans and one bag of Veggie Shreds (you'll usually find this cheese-like product in the produce section - refrigerated). Dice up the onion and mince up a few garlic cloves. Saute them for a few minutes in a little bit of water, until the onions start to turn translucent. While you're doing that, run the can of red beans through the food processor or the blender, til as smooth as you can get them. Add the crushed tomatoes and beans to the onion and garlic. Mix well, and season to taste with salt, pepper, oregano - whatever you like!. THEN, put the noodles and sauce mixture into a casserole dish. Cover with your bag of veggie shreds. Put in a 350 degree oven for 15-20 minutes. BOOM! Healthy pasta bake.

And, again, with the leftovers!

Don't like Italian? Same basic concept can whip up some enchiladas. One packet of about 20 corn tortillas. Two cans of enchilada sauce (read the labels or make your own - simple recipes ALL OVER the internet!). Two bags of veggie shreds. 1-2 cans of black beans (or a bean of your choice, to pulverize and add to the enchilada sauce). Or leave the beans whole. Then there is the layering and the melting/heating in the oven.

Or tacos with refried beans instead of meat and lots of veggie fixins.

Are you getting the idea? No four-course meals Forget that hooch. Just more whole foods, while avoiding animal fats. Simple. Thrown together. Yum. Nothing to guilt yourself over.

And when it comes to others in the house who sometimes sabotage our efforts (in my case, it has been my husband on occasion), we have a big sit-down. I remind him of how our sit-down's used to involve my big 200 lb butt! I remind him that my strength does not manifest through resisting foods in my midst, but through never bringing them into my midst to begin with. I HAVE AN ADDICTION. I cannot have the temptation in our home. He is welcome to buy/eat what he wants, but needs to keep it at work ... or in the car ... or in a lockbox (I AM NOT BEING FUNNY - IF I CAN GET TO IT, I WILL!).

We have to repeat the discussion for one another in different areas of life. That's ... well, that's marriage and that's life. So, we do. We remind the other what we need. Sometimes it involves me blubbering. Sometimes it involves me slamming down an empty baggy which held a dozen Oreo's we brought home from the holidays as I screech, "THIS is why we cannot bring sweets into the house!!"

Are you wanting to do a bit more than just one day a week? Want to give your health a massive boost? Go vegan, my friend. Seriously. Check out the 21-Day Vegan Kickstart. Or email me with questions (christinemoers [at] hotmail [dot] com). We're not 100% vegan. Heck, we even have meat occasionally, but it is not the norm. Our goal is more vegan and more raw. We also eat this way, spending about $140 a week for a family of seven (and that is three meals a day for at least six of us - EVERY DAY!).

Start something right now. Go to the store today and plan for at least one day this week.

And, for the love of Jethro, enjoy it!

Ways you can tangibly help the Livesay's

I know that many of us are in-real-life or cyber friends and readers of the Livesay family.

Tara and Troy have now been able to send five of their children to the states, to stay with their oldest daughter and son-in-law. Britt and Chris will be caring for them in a safe environment so that Troy and Tara can continue to serve the people of Haiti.

We will be helping and supporting the Livesay's in Haiti by also supporting the Livesay's in the states. Chris and Britt will need to provide for the added expense of having the siblings living with them. They are asking for monetary gifts. While we all have items we could donate, they are having to focus on giving the kids normalcy (buying the food items they are used to which will bring them comfort) and keeping things simple and organized. They will not have time to go through donated items. We can help them TREMENDOUSLY by giving them gift cards and cash.

You may make a tax deductible donation for the Livesay children via World Wide Village. Make sure you state that it is for "The Livesay Children" in the "notes" section.

You may mail gift cards, as well. Ideas for stores in their area are:
HEB, Wal Mart, Target.

Target and WalMart gift cards can be sent ONLINE. You can do so to Britt's older email address: dudeiminhaiti@yahoo.com.

Britt does not currently have a PayPal account. In the meantime, you can send it to my PayPal account at christinemoers@hotmail.com. However, PLEASE make sure you clearly state that it is for the Livesay children, so there is no confusion.

You may also mail any monetary gifts, notes of encouragement or gift cards to:

The Livesay Family
c/o Hill Shade RV Park
336 County Rd 90B
Gonzales, TX 78629

These will then be forwarded to Chris and Britt. Their family has received quite a bit of media coverage, and this will give them more control of their privacy.

PLEASE feel free to link to this post, tweet it, Facebook it - whatever. Share it at church. Some people really are looking for a very personal way to connect. The Livesay's do not want to turn away any help, but also have to put their children's needs at a high level of importance. Right now they need quiet, time to process the trauma and time to adjust to a new country. We can give them that by helping to make up the slack in added expenses.

Oh, and yes, I GET IT. This feeling of helplessness. I get it. We're all together in that aspect.

UPDATE: Ways you can help my family

UPDATE: I just spoke to Jeff Bultje!! He took our information and will do his very best to bring a report back to us upon his return!!!

GOD BLESS THE INTERNET AND TELEPHONES!

***************************************************

I just read a report this morning that the missionary, Karen Bultje, who is our family's contact in Haiti, is okay. Also, all those in her ministry/school are okay.

Have no contact with Karen and her blog has not been updated. As you can read, Jeff Bultje, his son Alex Bultje, and friend Nathan Wiersma are still planning to head to Haiti on Thursday if at all possible. I do not know these people. They are in Canada, apparently in Chatham.

Any of my Canadian readers out there ... feel free to try to hunt down Jeff. Let him know that we are searching for, and waiting for, reports on Luc Aldor, his wife, Rosemene and their five children. His cousin, Karen, knows them.

Sadrack and Marah are not well. They are suppressing a lot. We ARE focusing on the fact that out of the many, many people we know in Haiti (not to mention hundreds of children associated with their ministries) ARE safe and alive. Yet, that doesn't change the unbelievable desperation in Haiti today. We feel absolutely and completely helpless. The kids can't understand why someone would not just hand us all passports so we could go there ... now.

And I am attempting to process all of this, and my role as their mother, and my role as a human who so desperately loves Haiti, and how I should balance this with things as trivial as ... lunch.

When Haiti Hits Home

I received a phone call from my mother, just about an hour after the earthquake in Haiti. I had been out for a walk and had no idea it had happened. My first impression was that everything, and everyone we know personally, would be okay, because the quake was well outside Port-au-Prince.

Yeah, I had no idea.

Two of my children are from Haiti. Their first father and mother, Luc and Rosemene, live in Port-au-Prince. They parent the siblings of my kids: two older sisters, two younger sisters and one younger brother. Our contact with them is through a Canadian missionary. We have not been able to establish whether or not the missionary is okay. There is absolutely no way of knowing when, or if, she will be able to get word on this family - our extended family.

So, I sat down with my five children and told them about the earthquake. Even, in that moment, I was trying to figure out a way to just NOT tell them. But outside of breaking all televisions in sight and locking them in a bomb shelter to avoid any outside communication, I had to just do it. Looking into the eyes of one of my sweet Haitian Sensations, I was pleased to see her genuine empathy. I could see in her eyes how she has overcome a lack of attachment, and could feel pain and hurt for her people. She felt a "part."

Then, my heart broke for my son. He has been processing a lot of things lately, and his Post Traumatic Stress has interfered with his life and his sleep. I was feeling very angry that this was being added to his already terrified thought process. I downplayed it as much as I could, but my kids are older. They know. Their first replies were, "Things are still messed up from the hurricanes!" They get it. Haiti struggles on its best days. This is absolutely devastating.

No, not devastating. Catastrophic.

I sat and looked at pictures of the Presidential Palace. Somewhere I have a picture of my two children standing in front of it, just days before they left for America. It is now completely collapsed. I found myself staring at every single amateur picture I could locate, wondering if I might catch a glimpse of the couple who gave my children life, and so painfully and bravely secured a safe and healthy future for them. A needle in a haystack. Yet, I still kept doing it.

It may very well take weeks, and perhaps months, for us to know the state of their first family.

We wait.

Magical Milk Pic-o-the-Week

"[my daughter] was ours when she was only one day old, but I was blessed to be present for her birth, and to be able to breastfeed her about 1/2 hour later. 17 months later she is still breastfeeding 2-3 times per day! I love this special bond I can have with her."

(photo by Denise, a reader)


I love posting pics from actual readers. Send them to christinemoers [at] hotmail [com].

"You can't bond with a bitch."

There were so many things I loved about our attachment therapist. Yet, the most significant was the fact that she, herself, was severely abused as a child (she literally made history at the time, in the world of social workers). She had already actually walked WAY more than a mile in my kids' shoes. She KNEW. She could actually look at my children and say, "I understand," and they could not argue with her. Ya' know ... cause she really did!

Granted, there was the flip side. My husband and I also had to take her just as reliably when it came to our reactions and our parenting. When she said, "Yes! What you're doing with this is exactly what they need. Stay with it!" I had to listen, because she truly did know how our reactions would affect our children (even when I was tired of doing it - VERY tired of doing it). Ugh. And when she gently corrected us, and I would want to justify it in my head and maybe only give a half-effort ... I had to look myself in the mirror. I had the opportunity to learn from someone who knew what she was talking about. I could blow it off and try to find ways of justifying my actions, or I could suck up and deal because I was not the expert (people who have lived it and come out on the other side to find healing are the experts).

I hate sucking up and dealing. I like to be right and I like life to be easy. I'm not super human. I'm painfully normal.

Have you watched the first episode, yet, of the PBS special "This Emotional Life?" Please do. It gives you insight into a boy named Alex, who has Reactive Attachment Disorder. He has parents who fought very hard simply to find out what was wrong with their son. Then, after receiving a RAD diagnosis, they had to face what it meant for them, as parents. The father's words keep circling in my head:

"This is not instinctive childcare. You have to learn how to raise these children. And to do that, you have to take all your love and emotion that you want ... and put it on a shelf."

"This was not the dad I wanted to be. That was the hard part, with Alex ... is recognizing that I have to be somebody else who is best for him. And that's a hard thing to give up. But maybe that's what being a dad is."

We chose to parent children with a history of trauma. We had a diagnosis before we brought our children home (not even knowing fully where one of them may land on the spectrum). We knew enough to know there was NO way of knowing what it would feel like to parent them. Not a clue. You can know what to do, but still not know just how difficult it is to actually do it.

I still have to mourn the parent I may never be with some of my kids. Just because we chose it does not, in any way, make us immune to the heartache and difficulty. They ARE healing. They ARE attaching. Yet, we've been taught to let up on those boundaries ever so slowly while they practice, practice, practice, practice bit by bit of normalcy. We cannot predict how far we'll get before they're on their own. We can be selfish and just unleash those boundaries, but the repercussions for them would be horrendous. We will do whatever it takes to help them get just as far as they can get - whatever that means for each of our children. So, I have to take the reciprocal love and honor and respect I so desperately crave as a mother every day ... and set it on a shelf.

I get very upset and depressed some days. There are times it's because I want it for them, and other times I want it for the rest of us. SOME DAYS I DON'T WANT TO SHOW THEM LOVE BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT SHOWING ME LOVE AND IT PISSES ME OFF.

I'm no spring chicken when it comes to parenting, but as the father said above - this is not instinctive. I cannot instill a consequence and expect my child to change their behavior based on what may happen. Attachment issues develop because you have been so severely neglected and/or abused that you learn to completely and totally shut down feelings just to survive. They have very immature cause-and-effect thinking so they cannot always think through the process and make a decision based on what they want to happen in five minutes ... five hours ... five days. Even when they start to have those developments, they know they can withstand anything you have to offer. Anything. That's why you read about so many parents who have removed every privilege, stripped the bedroom bare, grounded upon grounded upon grounded and ask, "What else can I do? Nothing affects my kid?!"

You cannot make them behave. You can't. Go ahead and try, then come back and tell me how that worked out for you. Think I should just spank 'em? Really? That's a huge indicator of someone who truly does not understand what it is like to experience abuse and neglect when you are completely dependent upon others. They've been through pain. A spanking is nothing. They'll just shut down. It would give them lots of practice in how to do so.

"So, WHAT DO I DO, THEN? If consequences do nothing, what do I do?"

You bond. You keep them close. No, they won't do their chores if you ask (or do them veeeeeeery slowly). So, pay another sibling to do it. Or, you do it while they stay close, and you talk about your love for them and the beauty in them. You ask them to brush their teeth and put on deodorant and they refuse ... so you get really, really close and say, "That's okay. Nothing in the world can keep me away from you." Followed by a big hug and kiss. They won't do their homework. "That's okay, honey. The most important thing in your life right now is getting close to me, and this just gives us more time together. Why don't you sit there while I read your assignment. I love to learn new things." You don't give them any answers, but you read questions or the assigned chapters, and you smile and you share a story or two about your life that comes to mind. They have horrific table manners. "Oh my. I forgot that we never had time together when you were a toddler. Normally a mother helps her child by feeding them and then they slowly learn to do it by themselves." Pick up that spoon and start playing "airplane." Be silly. Be playful.

"But, how will they ever learn to show respect when they get away with all this stuff?"

They're not getting away with squat. Our attaching children only need four things: food, water, shelter and bonding with a primary caregiver. That's it. Chores are not important. School is not important. A made bed is not important. Let them receive the natural consequences of their actions at school. Let the school do what they must. However - at home, your #1 job is attachment. The more they refuse to participate with the family, the more obvious it is that they need more bonding activities with you. When they do start attaching, you will see the participation increase. But in the beginning that stuff is. not. important. We do not battle many of these issues anymore in our home, and both of my traumatized kids are now attaching ... because we focused on attachment and bonding above all else for a very long time. Now, their cause-and-effect thinking IS developing. Some of the other stuff does come eventually, but don't expect it anytime soon.

They want a fight over everything, because it will keep a distance between you.

But they need YOU.

They want to gross you out and disgust you, because it sends most people running.

But they need YOU.

They want to scare you (not like "boo!" but like "butcher knife under the pillow"), because none of the other things they've tried seem to keep you the heck away.

But they need YOU.

They need your presence. They need you to show them real love.

"They need you to recognize that you have to be somebody else who is best for [them]. And that's a hard thing to give up. But maybe that's what being a [parent] is."



(title of post is a quote from Deborah Hage, who birthed two children, adopted seven children and has been a therapeutic foster parent to five other children. Most of the children have been physically, emotionally, behaviorally and/or intellectually challenged. Ummm ... so this would be another person who really does know what they're talking about!)

(photo by kamil kantarcıoğlu)

Things you may or may not care about

* Wearing a headscarf in winter which contains beautiful metallic threads will send static electric shocks all over your head when you get out of a heated car.

* I was, then I wasn't, then I was, then I wasn't ... but it's official. I'll be here. Thanks to my husband having more flexibility with his parttime jobs, and my extra work with BlogHer recently, I can actually do it. This NEVER happens. Most of you know how difficult it is to plan around special needs. Pigs are flying. Big, giant, glowing, gorgeous pigs. Let me know if you'll be there, too. It still seems like a dream. Has been well over a year since I've had several days away from my kids without it being a speaking thing of some sort. I'll actually have time to unpack, and I won't be responsible for anything while I'm there!

* Guess who didn't think it was a big deal to leave faucets dripping last night? Can you say, "Geyser at the RV Park!"??? Such a toot!

* Rocky's PTSD is still very significant. Cold weather is a definite trigger for him. He is talking more than ever, which is GREAT, but it breaks my heart to see past trauma have so much control over him (and to hear him talk openly about how it feels). While we do lots of cognitive behavior things, nutrition, adequate sleep and tapping, I welcome any input on things you all have tried. We are considering EMDR or neurofeedback in the coming year. Let us know your experiences. Right now, he is willing to do some more work on his own, so we'll wait and see how things progress.

* I have several different people in my life who have made radical, and unbelievably healing changes to their diets recently. So inspiring and so fun to talk with all of them! Anyone want to join the party?

* Have also had an insane amount of communication with other parents of children with attachment disorder. Of course, we just had the holidays, so everyone is a bit wikity-whacked out. Yet, I've never talked to this many people who are all very committed to being a therapeutic parent. It is SO VERY HARD to parent our kids in the way they need. It's not that parents don't want to do the right thing, but ... it's backward and it's awkward and you are always second-guessing yourself. Yet, more and more people are saying, "Okay, but I'll do it anyway!" Let's all keep blogging, because it helps. It really does help. We really are all making a difference in one another! *standing on the table doing this dance*

* I am absolutely, completely addicted to the BBC sitcom "As Time Goes By." It is available on Netflix. Mocks aging. Quick humor. LOVE IT.

* I have a surprise challenge coming soon. And by "soon," I mean "when-I-get-around-to-it." However, I expect full participation. Prepare yourselves. News at 11:00.

BlogHer and Special Needs Parenting

I realize that I focus on our specific challenges, but so many of you who are reading are also juggling many, many other special needs with your children.

Head over to the "Parenting Children With Special Needs" forum at BlogHer. You can share your own personal blog and connect with other mothers who share common concerns and questions!

It's free and easy to register with BlogHer. Even a mom who does not have time to brush their teeth or pee without a crowd can do it.

Trust me. I KNOW.

When a freak homeschools her kids

Tuesday the whole family went to a Children's Museum. We like to hit places like that when the public schools are first starting back up their classes, because you avoid the crowds of school field trips.

The husband and I were doing the whole divide-and-conquer thing as we kept up with the youngest, and spent hours listening to, "Hey, Mom! Watch this!"

At one point, the two of us finally met back up on a bench. We got to swap stories. It is sooooo much more fun to people watch when you're surrounded by a bunch of parents with their kids. The vast majority were babies and preschoolers.

side note: babies/toddlers/preschoolers are so crazy adorable when they're not coming home with you!

Michael started to tell me about two moms he witnessed. One of them just would. not. stop. bragging. about. every. single. thing. her. daughter. has. ever. done! He said it was so obvious the other mother was painfully annoyed, but they had come together. She was stuck. He pointed out this magical daughter who was at an exhibit directly in front of us. It was obvious she was about ten or eleven. To which we both said, (with a moan)

"Uuuuugggggghhhhhh ... homeschoolers"

Oh, we joke. Ya' know. Because we ARE homeschoolers.

Thankfully, home education is not some giant secret society of clones (or they would have kicked me out long ago). We are asked about homeschooling all. the. time. Most people are just interested. They don't really know anything about it, and wonder if we have to pay for our own books, or if we are required to do testing, etc. Some people, however, are just painfully intrusive and feel it is their duty to make sure we're educating our children appropriately. Funny to me. They would never question what I feed my children, or if I give them enough love, attention or exercise. Yet, because their education is just one of the other MANY very important aspects of their lives I'm responsible for, apparently I look like the kind of person who might screw that up.

Oh, wait. Look at me.



Okay, I'll give them the benefit of the doubt.

I relish the fact that we're all so very different, but the stereotype remains. In fact, when we were living in Oklahoma, I was talking with another homeschooling mom (one who was a freakishly LOT wee bit more conservative than I) and telling her about my friend, Summer who was also educating at home. This woman started to inquire about where she went to church. "Oh, she doesn't go to church. She's Pagan."

To which she asked with utter shock, "Then why on EARTH does she homeschool??"

To which I thought to myself: "Uuuuugggggghhhhhh ... homeschoolers"

I do actually know people who homeschool as a means of having lots of control over who influences their children. I respect their decision, while not making that our reasoning. In all fairness, I guess you could say we DO have control over who influences our children. I just happen to PICK the drunks and the old codgers with very flowery language and the hillbillies and the atheists and the kids who are not connecting with anyone else and the grandparents who are living so far away from their own grandkids and the mailman and the hunters and then, sometimes even some churchy people.

Public school kids are painfully sheltered compared to my crew. ;)

My kids know plenty of other kids (just a few - like entire scout troops and casts of musicals and gobs and gobs at church stuff), but they also know adults. They love adults. They are comfortable around every age group. Interacting with the people in our community and in our circle is educational in, and of, itself. But more than the social aspect (and please do not be offended if you ask how my kids receive social interaction and I laugh in your face - I just can't hold it together sometimes) ...

I educate my kids myself because I give them the best education.

I know, I know. It's crazy. Basing our choice of education on ... what and how they actually learn! But it's true, and I kick major tookus! My kids enjoy learning. They LOVE to learn. They do not enjoy dry textbooks and lists and fill-in-the-blanks. They do not enjoy being told what to be interested in, especially if it is presented in a way which is completely uninteresting. They have PLENTY of things which are required of them which they do not like, but must do because that's a part of life. Yet learning does not have to be in the same category as scrubbing toilets and cleaning your room. You have to develop that love so that they hold it for a lifetime, even in a world which can dictate so many requirements.

That would be why we choose to do the education thing. I am also a massive proponent of public school. My husband is working hard to get a fulltime teaching job. Public school is vital. I bark loudly that classroom size needs to be chopped in HALF while raising teacher salaries. Seriously ... screw smart boards. Give a teacher eight students, less paperwork and more freedom over their instruction. They will blow your socks off and fall back in love with education.

I will never stop fighting for that. I do not believe that the few bad apples in the bunch of teachers, by any means, defines the overwhelming majority of public school educators. Every child deserves what my kids have ... for free. Every teacher deserves what I have, but let's give them a good, solid working wage and freedom to enjoy their job and their students. IS ANYBODY LISTENING TO ME? (said as I scream from the top of a cell tower)

In the meantime (and back to home education) I guess homeschoolers will continue to fight the stereotype of being freaks. I'm just doing my part to redefine the "freakage."

Momma' loves hump day!

I used to hate Wednesdays.

HATE THEM.

Hate IS a strong word. It means you want something to die. And yes, I wanted Wednesdays to die.

After a day of educating and referreeing and doctoring and therapeutic parenting a group of children who knew there were upcoming activities for the evening ... and everything would just escalate and escalate and escalate ... we would then have to get dressed, find shoes, put out fires, break up fights and head to church.

At that point I either taught other people's children or taught a class or rehearsed with the band OR felt extreme guilt because I was a staff wife and was not doing anything "extra" for the time being. Never mind the times I snuck into my husband's office just to stare at the wall and listen to music on his laptop while I tried not to cry.

Have I mentioned how much I hated Wednesdays?

Well, no longer. They are now one of my favorite days. All of the kids participate in Wednesday night activities at a local church in town, and my husband takes them.

I get a few hours of time away from my children. Doesn't always work out that way. Sometimes someone is on restriction. Yet, even on those occasions, I can usually get something done on the other end of the house (like scratch my butt and drool into a cup for two hours straight) while feeling like I am alone. I'm very good at pretending.

Oh. my. goodness. My attaching daughter could smell me writing this post. No joke. I was just starting that last paragraph, and she came in playing dumb. She had hit her limit today, and the next step was NOT going to her Wednesday night stuff.

frick.

But alas, she will be in her bed, and I will probably be in the bathtub. She has been paying me back all day today for the tiniest of things (mainly because the holidays are over and, of course, isn't that my fault?). *heavy sigh* I have received two wonderful foot rubs, though. That's cool.

SO, back to what I was saying ... even though I may (DO!) have a child at home, I now love Wednesday nights. It is my only guarantee of solace each week. I do get many others, but we just have to grab them when we can. I cannot send my gal just anywhere because of some of her issues, without first checking things out and annoying the adults with lots of please-read-between-the-lines-or-oh-my-you-will-rue-the-day-you-didn't prep.

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Okay ... welcome to my life ... things have changed yet again. This time, it's for very good.

I stole this from the Maryland Attachment Disorder site. Just used it with my girl.

Script:

You have three choices right now (and yes, these would be one of those things which will be helpful for ANY child - enjoy!):

1. show your feeling with behavior and keep the feeling
2. shut down or withdraw and keep the feeling
3. show your feeling on your face and put your feeling into words and let it go

She actually did #3 with several things she felt today. However, she left out the biggie - not attending her Wednesday night stuff.

"So, you're not upset about that?"

"Well, yeeeeeeees. But I was mad about the other stuff, too."

At which point I did an impromptu little song and dance about my Deflector Girl!! She can deflect the truth at the speed of life. Can state a truth while totally avoiding the actual question. It's a bird. It's a plane. It's DEFLECTOR GIRL!

And then she laughed and was finally able to say ...

"I didn't want to do that step and let that feeling go."

"And what is always the big question?"

"WHY?! Well, because I still wanted to hurt you for it."

"And what do we call that?"

"Paying back."

BINGO!

To which there was lots of pizazz and fist bumps and a big, "Chic, take your butt to your classes tonight because you could have robbed a bank and I probably would have still sent you along your merry way which is the opposite direction of ME and have fun."



(photo by Felix atsoram)

Join me in San Antonio?

I am sending in my registration today for the upcoming conference on January 22, presented by Denise L. Best, M.A., L.M.H.C. I've already called ahead, since space is limited for this particular location. She's saving me a spot.

Anyone else going to be there?

Magical Milk Pic-o-the-Week

"These were taken while on a mission trip to Ghana to distribute mosquito nets to prevent the spread of malaria."

(photo by J.J. Waggoner)

Back in the groove - or is it "rut"?

Anyone else starting back into a more organized schedule with traumatized children?

My, oh my, isn't it fun? Such a joy to watch them bound out of their room with feigned stupidity. That's when you know it's going to be a great week.

Unfortunately, for my little darling, I was already a step ahead. We started back into "school" (or whatever you call what we do) today with a trip to the recycling center. Sounds boring, I'm sure. However, the kids were the ones who had to locate the information online (nearest recycling center is a 40 mile drive from us), they had to plan the route and make sure the items were sorted appropriately before we left. They navigated the whole thing. They had ootches of fun.

Also, no one got car sick while reading the map constantly on the way there. SCORE!

AND on the way home, we stopped by Zedler Mill (which is very cool and only about 15 minutes from our house).

Oh, but wait ... back up. I was on MY game today. I was ready for the old RAD games. Change is like fertilizer for RAD. And what happens when you start playing your "I'm too stupid to remember how to sort things" game? Well, normally it would mean you get to stay in the car while the rest of us enjoy our outing. Yet, today, Dad did not get a call to sub. So, I do what I love to do with these games: I make up my own rules!

Whoo! Hooo!

Rule #1 - Stay home with dad and do whatever assignments he gives you. Do them wrong and enjoy some peace and quiet on your bed for awhile.

Rule #2 - Everyone else have a stinkin' good time!!

Done ... and done.

And guess who worked hard to turn it around, get off restriction after we returned and rejoin her family after doing one more little assignment? Yup. She did. She's really working hard these day!

Before I leave you, I wanted to share two little tidbits.

One very eye-opening and a wee bit on the darker side (ie: Taz's reaction to sweet cuddle time with Mom and Dad): Triangulation

And another nummier-than-syrup post (I miss this kid so much I could spit - he says my name sweeter than any person on the planet - LOVE ME SOME EVAN!): Reading and Not Reading

Happy Crappy Back-2-School Week!