Magical Milk Pic-o-the-Week

(photo by Lori, a reader - she is nursing Ivy)

I'm gonna' be 40 ... some day!

Today I celebrate 38 years.

I have my wonderful online to in-real-life friend, Laura, here. What a treat.

Her husband Jason is here, which makes MY husband say, "What a treat!"

They have been hanging at the park and doing some very generous work around the place, like painting and other grunge stuff. Makes us all say, "What a ..." Oh, you get the idea.

My in-law's surprised me tonight, and came with chocolate cake. They are cocoa super!

Tomorrow night (Tuesday), we are planning to hit Austin again, and hook up with my old friend, and fellow blogger, Lana. FYI: her twin sister, Lisa, hosts "Tempt My Tummy Tuesdays" so it's a good time of the week to be checking her out!

If you are in Austin and would like to crash our very prestigious and high class party (you may get turned away if you wear anything fancier than flip-flops), feel free to shoot me an email. We have yet to determine a time or a place. christinemoers [at] hotmail [dot] com

I have had a wonderful day. There was no desperate sabotaging today. Just a few very minor things. I have started to say, "Mar, can you handle this repair on your own, or do you need to me step in and help out." Nine times out of ten, she is doing it on her own. For now. We're getting a bit of a plateau. I will ride this wave while we have it. We've earned this one.

And may I leave you with ...

Teaching my children about community

When I said that I was a freegan vegan flexitarian, I had a vegan write me, offended that I would even use the label "vegan" if I ever allowed animal products into my body. This person truly wasn't being mean, but was a purist and an animal rights activist. They had a deep reasoning and passion behind the label "vegan." I crossed into that in a way that they felt tainted its meaning. I'm not upset by this, and try to make it clear, now, that I "shoot for vegan." I understand that passion. I do not share it, but have plenty of my own passions, and won't dare begrudge theirs.

In the same way, I have been questioned as to why I use the term "unschooling" when we do deliberately guide and direct our children in certain aspects of their lives, and we have many guidelines. Others argue that "unschooling" is only related to education, while "radical unschooling" is allowing full choice in all areas of life. I did the logical thing (not being as passionate or pure on either front), and simply removed the label. The kids now call themselves "everywhere schoolers" or "Moerschoolers" (my personal favorite).

So, why am I okay with stepping in and doing deliberate teaching and coaching of my children even when they don't ask for it, or even don't care for it? Being flexible in this, and yet not being offended when someone questions our use of a label or our approach, is exactly the heart of what I'm talking about today: community.

I turn 38 this month.

I have been entrusted with five, young, amazing people. I have the gift and responsibility of sharing, teaching and coaching them through the many, many things I have learned over these almost four decades. I am crazy passionate about my kids. I have come to understand that pretty much everything I have to share with my children revolves around all that is "living in community." That starts in our home.

"Community is all about getting along. But as anyone awake at the end of the twentieth century knows, getting along is often quite a challenge. It takes intention, practice, effort, and skill. Fortunately, the skills can be learned, and while learning them isn't always easy, not learning them makes life harder still." - Duane H. Fickeisen

I think that living in community is one of the most difficult and most beautiful things ... ever. Being free to be yourself and express who you are is warm and wonderful. Being respectful, understanding and sacrificial for the sake of everyone in your circle is also warm and wonderful. Both of these things can co-exist, but there is a tension that slowly pulls back and forth, all the time. Community is organic and is never, ever just settled and figured out and written down and repetitive. People change. Each day brings new emotions and feelings. Community always, always changes and it takes passionate work and cooperation for everyone to flourish.

So, how exactly do I teach this to my children?

First, in our home, everyone is safe and everyone is loved (click here to understand how we define and practice loving each other in our family). You are safe from physical and emotional harm. That includes everyone, parents and children. Therefore, it is not acceptable, and goes against our community, for anyone to physically harm or yell at anyone else. If you hurt someone, you repair it. The world works this way already, but we are much more deliberate and creative in our repairs. We work hard to put back love and smiles into the person we have hurt. I am always fighting the natural reaction of, "Say you're sorry." They are welcome to apologize of their own volition. However, we apologize through our actions. We repair the hurt in a way that brings something positive to the the other person.

Yes, if a parent yells at a child, we have to make a repair. And, yes, both my husband and I have had to do this. It is our responsibility to create an environment in our home where we can also be corrected and held accountable.

We have discussions about boundaries for one another. Every child (and adult) has fantasies of having-it-your-way. We talk through what that would look like in our home. That is a community-building discussion. Everyone has to stop and assess not only how that would affect others, but how it would affect ourselves. We talk about balance. We share our wants and desires and then find compromise.

We practice certain principles and guidelines for the safety and love of everyone in the house. My kids use steps to resolve conflict (Step #1 - ask the person to stop or change their behavior. Step #2 - if they stop, carry on; if they don't, find an adult and ask for assistance in resolving the conflict). This is something I taught them years ago when they were very young. We have discussed whether or not it is still a valuable tool with the older kids. Not only do they agree, but they teach their friends. They ask that the steps be followed by anyone who plays with them. Personally, I think it works for them because it gives everyone a second chance (we all like getting one, because we all get carried away at times when we're emotional). It also simply encourages kindness - a kind voice making a kind request. It makes life and play more fun and enjoyable, even with the inevitable disagreements.

I correct, redirect and point out diversity all the time. I do not just model, but openly say, "Do you notice the senior adults up ahead of us? They are not able to walk as quickly as us, and they may stumble very easily. Follow my lead, and let's be extra careful when sharing an aisle with them." I might stop everyone before ordering and show them how much easier it is to hear a person when you make eye contact and add more strength to your voice. I am forever saying, "Let's look around. What should we do?" This teaches them, and me, that no man is an island. Life is better when we help one another and make ourselves more readily available to those who have a greater need.

First and foremost, I have to model it. Many moms ask me how I teach my kids about living in community because their kids are really selfish. Aren't we all? It starts with me. I show them how I balance this intertwining of lives with also taking care of myself and being an individual. I have nothing to teach or share if I am not practicing it and working it out in my own life.

It's not a five step process. I can't really write it down and capture it. It is built on active listening, conversation, mess up's, repairs and always seeking balance (even when the "middle ground" is a constantly moving target). It is human co-existence in its most basic form.

I happen to adore it.



(photo by Stephanie Hofschlaeger, used with permission)

"Pee" ... and little pockets of hope

I receive a lot of emails from moms.

This morning I opened my inbox, and called my husband over. I pointed to the top one and said, "This is how I start my mornings." We both had a big laugh. The top subject line just read "pee."

I knew what would be in that message. It was another mom who felt as though she was drowning in the angry urination and stealth peeing so many of us experience when parenting traumatized children. I try to get back to every one who writes me. I try hard because I had so many ladies who carried me through those earliest days. I know how vital it can be to just hear from someone who says, "I get it," or "You are not alone," or "I have also had fantasies of laying down a new floor made of Huggies."

Those aren't the only things I receive, however. Every once in awhile I get a message that brings me to tears. This past week, one of those showed up from my online friend, Deb, and she has given me permission to share it with you. Because we can't stop having hope.

Deb's daughter will pull out some of her locs, and it has been an ongoing battle. She was able to start locs again, and keep her hair longer, if (this time around) she would no longer pull them out. I have been there. The amount of time and energy it takes to put in braids or locs is extensive. It is a battle that has so many facets as to the "why's" and the "what do I do now's".

"Today, I was tightening her locs and there are several places where there are NO LOCS!! Now, it wasn't like that last month...so this is new. She had every excuse in the book..."I didn't pull them out...I just tried to fix them." And on and on it went. I stopped tightening the locs and asked her to tell me what our deal was. She repeated it, through tears. Then, the strangest thing happened....I heard your "voice" and you said "It isn't about the hair".

So I waited a bit and called her into my room and I said "This is not about your hair, is it?" The look I got was priceless!! I said "you are pulling your locs out because you believe you are ugly, don't you?" She started to cry....I guessed again and said "You think that you are bad and that is why your mother gave you up and put you in that orphanage, don't you?" And she started to sob. I was on a roll here, so I said "I bet it was so scary in that orphanage without your Mom and then she came back....with your whole family and you thought you were going home with her, didn't you?" Now, she is really crying and snot is flying....then I said "M .... you did NOT do anything wrong, there is nothing wrong with you. You are beautiful! Your mother did not give you up because you were bad or ugly, but because she loved you and wanted you to have a chance at a good life. We tried to help her keep you, but they told us that because you had one arm, you would be treated poorly and your best chance at life would be here." We got out her photo album that I made for her with pictures of her brown mom and grandma and her first couple of years here. I pointed out how beautiful she is and how happy she looks in the pictures when she is 3, 4, and 5 years old. I told her that we loved her and she did not need to pull her hair out.

Then, later on in the day, I asked her if she still wanted the locs and she said she did...so I worked on tightening them and she went to bed happy. Oh, and she asked to keep her photo album in her room now."

Deb totally looked past the behavior and seized the moment. She realized that even though the behavior does directly affect her and is aimed at her, it really isn't ABOUT her. She helped her daughter cross a mountain that day ... one of many she will have.


(photo by winterdove, used with permission)

Magical Milk Pic-o-the-Week

"My daughter Amelia is 3 1/2 and is slowly weaning and is often skipping 2 or 3 days of nursing so in celebration of our awesome nursing relationship I thought I'd send this to you. She is almost 3 months old here. I love the drunk on milk look."

(photo by Luanne, a reader)



*You can submit your magical milk pic to christinemoers [at] hotmail [dot] com - be sure to include your name (if you want it published) and a blog or website link if you have one*

Loving the condemned killer

Last week I discovered an old friend is re-incarcerated. It's someone who has always been very special to me. I walked with them through their first round in prison. I have now offered to join them, emotionally, through this sentence.

Before I parented trauma ... before I self-taught myself or learned from a therapist ... I always knew to look and understand the story behind someone. My friend had a deep, dark story. There are very valid reasons why they have chosen to make certain decisions based on a lack of resources, help and healing. I lost a lot of sleep this past week, having zero confidence that this person will get what they need right now, beyond a bed and three meals a day. I'm afraid the cycle will continue and worsen.

Today I pulled up a post from Diana. It's called, "I Cried Today." Me too, Diana. Me, too.

Until today, I have admitted to very few people: I have a deep love and understanding of criminals and killers.

I hurt for them.

I know we have been fighting directly against that with some of our children.

I watched one of my children snap this week, based on one altercation. It was immediate. I literally watched them move from one part of their brain to another. It has been awhile since I've seen such a big and obvious move to fight/flight (ie: scary). Yes, they were in MUCH more control than they ever have been in the past. Yet, of course, I spent time the rest of the day wondering how this will play out when they are grown ... faced with something or someone more volatile. Part of our parenting is to discuss and plan for how we will and will not step in once our children leave our home. There is so much hope for them - I see it and I believe it! However, it absolutely will not be reflective of the Walton's or the Cleaver's. No one will be beating down our door for movie rights. Glossy with a neat little bow? Oh, no. Our bow got dirtied up a long time ago. So, we just bought a new one and kept trucking.

The average person doesn't realize there are people walking the streets who are living in a constant state of fear, and are so very fearful that they will do whatever they can to never, ever let another soul see it. So, they cover it and protect themselves with violence. They do the only thing they know to do. They have never been helped to learn and practice and achieve anything different.

They are not evil. They are terrified. They are still trying to make sense of all that happened to them. They need help. They need hope. Unfortunately, our system is not set up to bring either to the people who need it most. Investing in, and changing one person at a time (even if they are never shiny or glossy) will literally change the world. But we can't see the forest for the trees.

In the meantime, I'll keep barking about it.


(photo by stockers9, used with permission)

What the heck is "vegan," anyway?

In writing about my parents' recent weight loss (90 lbs between the two of them in 2010), I am receiving a lot of feedback and private emails. So many people are stuck in a spiral of health issues and weight gain. I have been there. I found my way out, and now have turned around and helped my parents turn that same corner.

I have mentioned before that, above all, I am a Freegan Vegan Flexitarian. But I shoot for vegan. That's always my main goal.

Vegan means you do not eat any animal products, including dairy or eggs. Many vegans avoid honey, but we do not. We eat a lot of local honey.

This is the point when many people moan and say, "Then what the heck am I supposed to eat?"

A lot, actually. I don't eat much different than I used to, but I cut out or substitute animal products most of the time. In our house we eat a lot of salsa, beans, whole grain pastas, whole grain breads/tortillas, fresh vegetables. We put spreads like Earth Balance on our toast. The kids eat plenty of PB&J's made with natural peanut butter and all fruit spreads. We sweeten with honey (which goes GREAT on whole grain blueberry pancakes). I make green smoothies, whose nutritional boost is only given away by their color (cause they taste YUM!).

We snack on fruit and nuts.

We use soy or rice milk most of the time, instead of cow's milk.

We are HUGE fans of Mexican food. Refried beans, taco shells, salsa, chopped up greens, tomato, veggie shreds, cilantro, and even some corn - ohhhhhh, now I'm hungry.

There are plenty of myths and misunderstandings about plant based diets. However, the undeniable truth is that this approach to eating will improve your health in many, many ways (From the bathroom to the bedroom ... ha! Just made that up!). My family lives it. My parents are now living it. You probably know someone in your life who is living it.

Some great places for help, information, encouragement and ideas:

"Biggest Loser's, Bob Harper, Goes Vegan"


How To Cook Tofu Like the Pros (my kids BEG for this in the Chinese marinade!)

Easy Vegan Recipes (love some of their stuff, and typically just leave out the veggie "meat" or substitute with beans of some kind)

"Dairy: 6 Reasons You Should Avoid it at All Costs"

Vegan Lunchbox

What About Protein?

This is Why You're Thin!

The PCRM 21-Day Kickstart begins again in September - mark your calendar!

"Processed Food Addiction"

"More Meat Consumption Leads to Earlier Puberty for Girls"

Also, check out my links on the right for "Simply Raw" and "Food Matters." These are affiliate links, so if you order anything on there, I get a few bucks. But it doesn't cost a thing to look around!


Email me if you're still feeling stuck, or kinda' freaked out: christinemoers [at] hotmail [dot] com

(photo by Ove Tøpfer, used with permission)

You know your parents love you when ...

They come to spend the week with you, and work their TAILS off the entire time. They are completely making over our old office so that it can become a camping cabin. In just 2.5 days they have taken down an entire wall, removed all plumbing, capped a sewer drain and cemented over the top, moved a light switch, and now they are working on building an access panel and putting up some corrugated metal to give it a country feel.

Ya' know ... cause they're FRIGGIN AWESOME like that.

My parents last came together for a visit in December. They were still battling their weight. My Dad has just been diagnosed with diabetes. It was their official wake-up call. So, as a gift to them, I cooked entirely vegan during their four-day trip. It was a great way to show them that this whole healthy-eating thing is not ridiculous.

My dad was leery. He was VERY leery.

I've said it before - I love yummy food. I do not eat crap. I don't. I'd rather be fat again, than eat crap. I eat some goooooood stuff.

Well, my parents now do not even look like the same people, for all they have lost. They have been able to eliminate a lot of their medication. Dad has reversed his diabetes with diet. They eat plenty and they eat well. Dad is down 50 lbs, and mom 40 lbs, since January!

I can't stop staring at his neck ... because it's GONE!

And they are so very happy. They feel great and you can see it in their eyes ... in their walk ... in their bounce. They have a bounce!

Tonight, Dad is making us his vegan sloppy joe's. He was never one to cook much. So, it was amazing to watch him pull out a white binder full of recipes. It even had little color coded tabs! He has made it himself, with his favorites.

I will try to get some pics for you, but they are working so hard and don't want me taking pics of them sweaty and gross (what is up with THAT?).

But leave it to me to snag one and sneak it in .. heh. heh.




My mom's comment from below:
"Llama Momma, our internist was tempted to take Christine's phone number and give it to patients to share her knowledge since it has made such a difference in our lives. I am bringing up the rear (tongue in cheek) to get more weight off, down only 40 lbs. with at least 40 more to go. I am excited that I have done well also eating healthy. To be honest, it has brought Cecil and me even closer because we want more happy years together. God has never promised us a long life so we don't want to cut things short because of our eating the old way again. We have each other to keep us on track. Praise the Lord."

How cute is she?? Cecil and Joye, ya'll. Send 'em some love!

If you can't seem to find the Waters you're looking for

Into the life of every RAD family, a little drama must fall ... if a blog that you've been Watching has suddenly disappeared, know that the writer and her family are okay, and they will be back when the storm has passed and the Waters are calmer.

Sending massive amounts of love and prayers to my friend!

Yes, she is reading every single comment, so feel free to leave your own well-wishes for her (she has even snuck in a little thanks below).

Christine's Brain asks the $100 Question!

Today I get to ask the $100 Question at BlogHer. YOU get to talk about how fantabulous you are and YOU may win 100 buck-a-rinskies!

Get your tail over there.

Magical Milk Pic-o-the-Week

"I love your "Magical Milk Pic-o-the-Week" series. I took this photos
on a recent trip to Northern Ghana. We were visiting a village near
Bolgatanga when I spotted this woman feeding these two children. They
were obviously not both her biological children (too close in age) but
that didn't bother her or the babes! It takes a village..."

(photo by Anita)





*I love to use pictures from actual readers. Always feel free to send me your Magical Milk pic, along with the name you want printed and a website for linking - christinemoers [at] hotmail [dot] com*

Shared History

I love people.

I love diversity.

I love the work and commitment it takes to function in diversity.

I don't want boring.

I love that I live a life where new people and personalities and ideas show up at my door every day.

However, there is nothing like ...

* shared history.

* laughing with someone over something that happened years before, but is still very special to you ... something that most people would not care about or understand.

* walking into an old store or visiting with your parent's friends, and feeling like you are in grade school again.

* wrapping your arms around someone you have not seen in twenty years and hearing their familiar laugh in your ear.

* finding common ground with someone you barely knew in school, or someone's spouse.

* hearing 40-something's apologize for mean things they did to one another while navigating their own insecurities of youth.

* staying out til 2:30 am, and not wanting to be the responsible adult and leave the experience.

There is nothing like shared history. There is nothing like choosing to take a chance and finding the serendiptity in the faces and children and chats.

I knew I would have a great time at my 20th reunion. I had no idea it would be so painful to leave.

Class of 1990

Hittin' the big, bad town of Cisco, Texas this weekend.

Later, dudes.

Shoo, water! Shoo!

Woke up to hear the sheriff on the radio. He had already driven our area of the reservoir and said he could not find any water in homes. It's right up next to most of them, but didn't shove its way inside.

Dr. Bob's yard is an extension of the river, but his cabin and home are still fine. Some are saying it will still keep cresting until noon. Even then, I think everyone out here is good. Everyone was very proactive. The top of our hill looks like an appliance and used car dealership! lol

Now, all together ... "Rain, rain, go away ..."

The river is a'risin'

We're having some major flooding in south Texas. New Braunfels has already had one death. The Guadalupe is now receding there, but will continue to crest down here through tomorrow. There will be more rain tonight and in the morning.

Our park should be fine, but our neighbors, who are directly on the water, will have some flooding. Dr. Bob just moved his lawn mower into our yard. He will probably move his RV up here next to the house. In the past, this park has rarely been busy. So, it was the perfect place to move vehicles during times of flooding. I'm THRILLED that we are almost full this weekend, but the one spot we have open is our smallest. I'm glad for the business, but have been scrambling on the telephone to try to find other places for everyone to move things.

So, we're offering up parking spaces and yard. Most people have found a place, and there has been a constant flow of campers and boats leaving up the hill.

And we wait ... the river will continue to rise as it makes its way our direction. More rain coming.



(photo taken by resident of Comal County to share with station WOAI)

Yearbooks are a funny thing

In prep for my upcoming class reunion, I am pulling out the yearbooks and refreshing my aging brain on everyone. Thank GOD for Facebook. It helps to not feel completely forgetful and vulnerable upon entering the room. At least some of the faces have been a more regular part of my life.

Okay ... back to yearbooks (or annuals, as the more refined might call them). They were a big deal. Like a really, really big deal. You thought people anticipated the iPhone 4? You should have seen our very small school, in our very small town, awaiting the arrival of the yearbook. We loved everything about it, especially the way the pages crackled as you opened up that freshly printed page (maybe that was just me). Eyes were darting from page to page, looking for ... well, we were all looking for pictures of ourselves!

There was always a theme. My junior year it was "Wild Thing." The Lobo was wearing jams and Converse high tops. But then, there was this one little thing that caused the earth to explode that fateful day ... there it was on the left ear ... a cross earring. The LOBO (assuming it was a "he" for lack of boobage) was wearing an EARRING and it was a CROSS. Mon Dieu, there was an uproar. Such a stink that the poor yearbook staff had to go through every one and erase all cross earring from all paper pages - as it was a theme - so it was allll the way through the whole book. The front cover, though, could not be helped.



Of course, the very best part of any yearbook is all the ridiculous crap that friends write. In honor of stupid-yearbook-compositions everywhere, I wanted to share some of the funnier things in mine:

"Well, thank God it's over."

"I know we'll keep in touch and I know I'll see you many times before our 10 yr. reunion."

"I don't know what I'll do without you and without your goofy boyfriends."

"You are the mellowest dude I have ever hung out with."

"It's been great flagging with you!"

"I know we've had our disputes especially with led poisoning."

"May God bless you! Party a lot."

"I like you a lot and I hope we can stay friends forever. Too bad things didn't work out like I planned."

"You're the most creative and talented (and most bored!) person I know."

"We sure have been through a lot together. But in the end I know we'll both 'Surf for World Peace.'"

"You are a very sweet girl and I hope you have a GREAT summer, which would mean a LOT of GUYS!"

"Please have a good summer but don't get into trouble. Of course, that may be difficult for you."

"I enjoyed getting to know you better, even though we didn't talk much after Christmas."

"You're a sweet girl that I don't know that well, but still consider you a good friend."

Those darn high school reunions

This weekend I am attending my 20th high school reunion. I have decided that if you don't think you're aging, then seeing that "20th" will absolutely take care of it for you. It just seems bizarro to me that it has been that long.

I am excited. The closer it gets and the more people I Facebook, the more the fun builds. I do believe that this will be much more enjoyable than the 10-year gathering. We were all still finding ourselves and trying too hard at that one (I had two VERY little ones I was chasing around). Now, we will sit and talk kids and work and mortgages and not feel like we have to suck anything in, ya' know?

Today I talked with my high school band director on the phone. He is going to come see us all at our little gathering. I had the best time making dumb jokes with him, and laughing about stuff that only about 20 other people on the planet would find funny.

I looked up an old friend, and was so sad to discover their intense pain and place in life right now. Others have children in high school. Still others have babes in arms. It is going to be interesting and wonderful.

To which I bow my hat and let my reader write

Sometimes many of you can articulate a topic much more beautifully anything I have to say.

Case in point. On my post "Shame is Four Letter Word," Annie wrote something directly to those who follow the teachings of Jesus Christ. Many Protestants, in particular, struggle with therapeutic parenting.

I think Annie explains her theology and her faith beautifully, while still having a full understanding that our children are missing things neurologically that most children just "pick up," and it is our job to show and guide and teach and retrain those areas:

"As a professional Religious Educator I think Christine put it perfectly. Guilt is a healthy feeling we have when we have done something that our conscience tells us is wrong.

Just as she says, people in ordinary conversations may use "shame" interchangably with "guilt"....but we are looking more closely at the words. In ordinary conversation shame might simply mean a feeling of being worthless DUE TO our own bad behavior. "I felt such shame after I stole the money."

But, our RAD children feel shame not due to anything they did, but because they were not loved when they had every reason to be loved. Perhaps that is the sin being passed down through the generations.....but not the child's sin.

And in fact, in my theology, whatever horrible things our kids might do, due to RAD, is not sin - but confusion; sin requires full knowlege and full choice. If you do not KNOW love you can't choose love.

I think it is part of God's plan that parents are the channels of His love to HIS/our children. And perhaps this is some response to J &, it is by His Grace that our children can heal, as we are instruments of His grace and peace and love to them.

Maybe this challenge echoes that - God will never give up on us....and we are His instruments so we have to keep channeling that love and Grace, no matter how it is rejected, deflected. God won't stop, and as long as we want to be His handmaidens we won't stop letting Him work through us.

I find that my radlet rejects God's love along with mine. She is very cynical about religion/church and boldly proclaims she doesn't have any faith in God. Well, it is up to me to change that by letting Him shine through me straight onto and into her."

Annie, thank you for sharing your faith and how it is lived out every day as you mother.



(photo by soulbring, used with permission)

"I finished your stupid challenge - now what?"

Yesterday was Day #7 for my home in the Attachment Challenge.

I know some of you started late and are still going. Be sure to pop over to the Mr. Linky I posted earlier this week and add a link to each and every post you did on the challenge. Let it live in RAD emphamy. New parents pop up every single day who realize they are entering a new realm with their child. Share yourself. You really cannot imagine the impact it has. I get emails every. single. day. from parents, and friends of RAD parents and grown RAD kids and people married to grown RAD kids ... you name it. SHARE YOURSELF.

I did this challenge because we were at a bump in the road and needed to back up and do some very intentional things. We have had to do hours and hours and hours of therapeutic interventions lately. When that happens, you feel like, "Eh. I got in lots of face time. We have touched like CRAZY. Done." The problem is that you mentally feel like you have covered your bases, and the first thing to go is playfulness and pleasure FOR YOUR CHILD. And the very last thing you want to intentionally add to your day is playfulness and pleasure FOR YOUR CHILD.

Thus, this whole challenge thingy.

Now, I started out the week pissing you off. I would be delighted to end the week with just as much cursing, flailing and gnashing of teeth in my direction. I have learned and been reminded of much pain and truth this week. Parts of it sucked.

The first two days, I hated. I will admit, though, that as the week went along it wasn't AS painful and icky - even with all the crazy-craze. It reminded me of some of our early days in attachment therapy. The therapist had the kids practice saying, "I love you." It was painful for them. For instance, they would rather rage and scream and cry and yell, "I have loving feelings for you!" than just use less energy and say it. It was personal and it was very, very, VERY UNCOMFORTABLE for them. So, we made a chart. We tried for 10 times a day. ALL five of the kids did it, so there was an element of competition (when you can use that trauma-induced competition for good, DO IT!). By the fifth day, it was no longer painful. By the seventh day, they smiled as if it were almost a joke that we needed a chart.

Practice helps.

My kids thought they might die. They really thought they may melt or implode. They did not. They hated it, but they had enough of a drive to keep up with their siblings, and they succeeded. Our therapist was one smart cookie.

So, in the spirit of making you hate me, I want to share some things with you which have really stabbed at me lately - in a good way (and by "good," I mean "I hate them for being so honest and showing me my faults").

First, Daniel Hughes. Damn you, Daniel Hughes! Read his Treatment and Parenting Model. It's all very basic, but it's all just RIGHT THERE in front of you on that page. I have read a lot of his stuff, but then stumbled across this particular, informative, realistic, stupid, stupid page. I hate it because it is all so very right and true and valuable ... oh, and some of the hardest parts of being a therapeutic parent. *I am tattooing #8 across my forearm for constant reference*

There is a little article by Nancy Thomas that asks you to decide who sets your happy-stat. When is the last time you did something just outrageously silly in front of or with your traumatized child? Why are you letting your child set your happy-stat? Cause if that's the case, you have plum lost your happy!

And finally, this week I have put a spot light on the little things I have let creep in that shame my child further. In her "Therapeutic Parenting for Traumatized Children" manual (currently my most-suggested resource to anyone who asks), Denise Best says, "While it is true that a genuine dose of guilt is good, because it is designed to modify our choices and subsequent behaviors, the same is not true of shame ... guilt is like the heat that lifts the air in an air balloon as it shifts us to a higher level of functioning, shame is like a hole in the balloon that deflates the soul, causing one to just give up."

Now what? What have you seen? What have you learned? What absolutely, positively does. not. need. to. stop?

FYI - I just ducked, so your coffee mug did NOT smack me in the head. heh. heh.


(photo by ilker, used with permission)

Shame is a four letter word

People ... all ages and all stages ... can allow shame to own them.

Trauma can produce, in some people, deep and overwhelming feelings of worthlessness.

This can then manifest itself in many different ways. Ironically, it appears in some as narcissism.

Weird, huh? Looking at that person who says they are above it all and expects the rest of the world to revolve around them ... THEY feel worthless?

Yup. As a matter of fact, they do.

We made some coping cards this week. They state a lie, followed by the truth. Example:

LIE:
I must keep doing bad things because I am bad.

TRUTH:
I am GOOD!
I was born GOOD!
Everyone makes mistakes, and so do I.
I do not need to punish myself.
Feeling more pain will not make things better.
Doing the right thing will make things GREAT, and
I DESERVE GREAT THINGS!

We have made several of these, letting the section titled "Answers to Usual Objections" on this page spark ideas for us. We have these cards taped up around my daughter's bed. We have started to read them morning and night. They have been a trigger for her and she wants them to GO AWAY! So, we do them playfully and get silly at any sign of her shutting down.

This morning, as she was cycling in and out of regulation as we read, I made a guess. "Perhaps you are afraid of letting go of the shame. You are afraid that you will be getting away with being bad, and that would be wrong." Slow, soft tears began to pool at the bottom of her eyes.

Our kids feel like it is their job to punish themselves for the rest of their lives. That is why they sabotage the good stuff. That is why there is payback constantly (payback guarantees a consequence, which they believe, is what they deserve - all the time - no matter what).

Now, can you see how a parent who is feeling deep shame may really struggle to help their own child whose feelings of shame are the same - times a million - and on crack? Do you use negative self-talk? Do you have unresolved trauma, shame, loss, etc.?

Another thing we do when my kids are talking about something very deep and difficult, is to step outside of "us" and do the work with someone else. For instance, "Your friend Emelia [not real name] has gone through a lot of trauma, too. I bet she might be tempted to use her bodily fluids in really gross ways, because she feels gross on the inside. Which one of these lies on these cards is she believing? What would you tell her?" And then I pretend to be her friend, and make all the common arguments (that my very daughter makes). This does not set off a light bulb in her brain. She knows what we are doing. She is GREAT at advising other kids in these moments - real or fake. However, my kid still believes that she is the only one who feels it so deeply and so genuinely. We do it anyway. It is just one more day of repeating the truth and creating new ruts in her brain.

If just reading about it causes you heart palpitations ... you've got some stuff, my friend. You need to help YOU! What are you doing to repair yourself, first? Do YOU need coping cards (I've had so many coping cards over the years, I could have built a house with them)? Do you need time with a therapist who can walk you through it (I tell people all the time that I think attachment therapy may have been more for me than the kids! lol)? What are your reasons for not helping yourself? Why are you not seeing a therapist? Why are you not directly addressing the very things that are stalling everyone and everything in your life? Write them down and look at them.

Stare at them.

Hard.

Then do what you have to do. When I finally addressed my own stuff, it didn't just change me, but everyone I touch.

The hardest part is just getting started.


(photo by Kat Jackson, used with permission)

Day #6 was ugly - in case you're wondering

*this is not a short post, but I know that giving all of the dialogue is the most helpful to other families - so, you've been warned*

Oh my.

OH MY.

Day #6 of the Attachment Challenge.

Yesterday was good, which means there will be regression. I knew it. I expected it. Was still surprised at how it played out.

My RADalicious kid had a good day yesterday. Today, she woke up and continued to do well. She is working off some stuff that occurred over the last month. She has made some progress on that front. She went to do chores with her sister, and for the second day in a row her sister came in exclaiming, "She did AMAZING!"

"Mom, is there anything I can do to work off more stuff?"

"Well, I noticed yesterday you picked up everything to vacuum, and then chose not to vacuum. I'm guessing you did that to get a consequence. That's exactly why we made that coping card. It can only help if you keep it with you. Do you have it?"

"No."

"K. Well, why don't you go get it. We'll read it together and have a do-over. You can vacuum today and make this right!"

Several minutes pass ....

"Mom, I can't find it."

"That's okay, honey. Take your time. I don't have anything to do right now. I'll wait." Angry face as she went back to her room. Several more minutes pass.

"Mom, it's down by the park bathrooms. I left it down there."

"Where, exactly?"

"By the tree by the bathrooms."

"K. Let's go get a dollar out of your room, so we can pay someone to go down there and get it for you."

She gives me a dollar. She is not happy. I am amazingly VERY happy and completely regulated! YEAH for hormones leveling out!

"I'm gonna' make a guess that perhaps that card is not where you just said. Would that be a good guess?"

"Yes."

"Alright, well, why don't you give me another two dollars. I will hold them, and only pay them to the person looking if they have a really difficult time finding it. Would you like to give me more specific directions?" I was feeling really good today. She handed the dollars straight to me. I figured we were good to go. That's when she started to give me the "directions." It went something like this, "It's right by the tree at the wall, like by it, near the laundry room" voice getting LOUD, "It's THERE! I put it in the hole in the tree! IT'S BY THE BATHROOM! GIVE ME MY MONEY!" Loud, ear piercing SCREEEEEEEEEAM, followed by her trying to grab the dollars out of my hand and ripping all three of them in half in one fail swoop. Impressive.

I had it together, today, baby. This one was probably easier on me, because we didn't have the slow back-and-forth where I also end up escalating and engaging. I also knew it was all about her shame battling with all the feelings of "good" she has been having.

"Honey, I'm not upset with you. We just need to deal with the card situation, then we can move on."

She had lost it at this point. Threw something. Packed up all of her money in a Slinky box. Said she was leaving.

I was thinking straight today. This was the shame game. She was going to do anything - ANYTHING to guarantee consequences. She was going to pay herself back for her feelings. We have her set up in her own room so that she can do anything in there with zero consequences. If she busts a hole in the wall, no biggie - her wall. If she breaks her stuff, no biggie - her stuff. I knew that this was her goal, so I very calmly closed her door. Then I sat down with my back against the door, to put myself in a vulnerable position (NOT towering over her in any way).

Over the next thirty minutes, there was much screaming and name calling.

The only time I said anything, it went like this:

"Leave me alone!" "I can't, baby. I love you too much."

After throwing a book against the wall just over my head, "I trust you, and I'm not going anywhere."

After smashing a porcelain doll that is VERY special to her against the wall near my head, "It's just a doll. You are more important to me than a doll or the very walls of our home or the window screen."

Speaking of window screen, after she knocked it out and was dangling her feet threatening to leave, "No matter what you do, I am always here for you. No. matter. what. I can't stop loving you."

At one point, as she stood over me, holding a book over her head as if she would hit me, and yelling, "You and Mac - you LIE! YOU TELL LIES!" (ah! The two of us have complimented her the past two days at specific times) "I love you. I love you when you hug me and I'll love you if you hit me. I'll love you if you stay and I'll love you if you go. You don't have to be strong today, honey. I can have enough love for the both of us. I can believe and know that you are good for the both of us. You don't have to feel it today. Let me feel it for you."

No magical moment where it all just stopped. More flopping on the bed. Me waiting in silence. Her occasionally demanding her money or telling me to go away or telling me to let her go (as she stood at a wide open window - but she refused to go *wink*). Finally, some friends who were checking out of the park came walking up. They are good friends. I was able to say, "We're having therapy right now." They offered to hand me the window screen. I declined, and let them know my gal may still want to use it as her getaway.

Then another customer drove up.

That's when I did what I should have done at the very beginning. "Honey, walk with me while we get this guy settled." She keeps her crazy for me. I should have mixed it up sooner, even if it meant offering to walk her out so she could run away - then offering to just take a walk with her. I don't know ... hind sight!

We spent a good 20 minutes playing Fruit Basket Turnover with a few rigs as they were all coming and going. On the way home, I put my arm around her. She was soft and leaned into me.

So, we talked. We hugged. We went straight to her room and worked through the shame of all she had just done. We read through all of her cards together.

When it was time for lunch, she hugged me and said, "Mom, we already have in nine hugs today!"

She was right - with all the crazy and the talking and the making up and the trying to help her succeed earlier today ... we had in nine by noon.

And absolutely, I hugged her again and thought, "Ten. DONE."

This is hard work. We are in a new phase, and battling all of the triggers that come with new parts of puberty. We are having to get back to "in the trenches" kind of therapeutic parenting for a time.

Oh, and did I mention this is HARD FRIGGIN WORK!?!? Someone mail me some vodka. Or just shoot me some cash via my PayPal donation button on the right - I should probably relabel that the "Happy Hour Fund." ;)

How is everyone else hanging? Remember: there is always regression when we are breaking through to their hearts. Add your posts to Mr. Linky on my earlier post, and tell us all about it.

Magical Milk Pic-o-the-Week

"I saw this statue in the Vatican museum (they owned all of the great art pieces) while celebrating our 25th anniversary with a trip to Italy, and thought of you. It dates to the 1st century A.D. and stated it was a mother goddess nursing her infant child."

(photo by Tammy, a reader)


*my favorite pictures are those submitted by people who actually read my blog, so shoot yours to christinemoers [at] hotmail [dot] com -- make sure you include the name you want used and a link to your blog*