Monday, April 25, 2011

Middle-aged sex

"Honey, I'm going to blog about middle-aged sex."

Instead of laughing at every little thing I threw out there, he just kept saying, "Right? RIGHT?" A few more seconds and he would've been yelling, "Preach it!" and jumped a pew. Which would have been interesting, seeing how we don't have any pews in our house. Perhaps the bench of our dining room table.

So, back to my point: it is funny. Sex as you age can get very, very funny! And I'm on the early side of it. I have a whole world of quirky, creaky things I have yet to experience.

Sex is better than it has ever been. My marriage is better than it has ever been. Yet, now sex is more like a video game. There are all these awesome prizes and treasures out there, but you have to work around obstacles to get to them.

Appendages fall asleep. You can take your fish oil and be active, but it just is what it is. Aging appendages start to lose their once-perfect circulation. Stay in one place too long, and it's deader than a doornail.

Things sometimes slow down as you age. Not a horrible thing ... unless you have appendages falling asleep. Or you have laundry that needs to be moved over to the dryer. Or you get a cramp. Oh, yeah. Cramps are hot!

I have a creative mind, but as I age, the creativity has remained along with some lovely fog to make it interesting. Anyone else? Raise your hand. Your ... raise your hand. HEY! FOCUS!

There is a very delicate balance. Sometimes you may find it necessary to move your thought process over to your grocery list ... or basketball scores. This helps you buy some time when (repeat: things sometimes slow down as you age). But you can't let your brain go too far one direction. Gotta' stay in the game at least a LITTLE. It is a high wire act, I swear! We have to do this with our new, aging, foggier brains. Yeeeeesh. No pressure.

When appendages fall asleep, they eventually must wake up. OH, SWEET MOTHER, nothing puts a cramp in the after-glow more than pins and needles in your hands and wrists. "Sweetie, that was aweso ... awe ... ow, ow, OW, OW, OWWWWWWWWW!" So romantic.

There is another fine line: the balance between soaking up the moment and enjoying it before someone unintentionally falls asleep (I hear that has happened to other people - we don't know anything about that).

Sometimes you can engage and be switching everything up and feel all very Sex in the City. However, more times than not, you have your tired brain and your tired body and the stress of the day all working against you. There must be extreme, intense focus. Wax on, wax off. Wax on - "STOP TALKING! I have to concentrate" - wax off. Wax on - "DON'T MOVE! I'm in the zone!" - Wax off.

Did you know that some people can lay on a pillow just fine. However, flat surfaces sometimes kick in the vertigo. You want the room to spin when you have sex ... ya' know ... but FIGURATIVELY.

Having kids throws in its own set of kinks. "We could do this before lights out or after. If it's before, we are down to just 23 minutes. I still need to brush my teeth and pee. That takes us down to 20 minutes - so there could be zero talking. Uh huh - this conversation right here would have to be foreplay. If we wait til after, we both want to watch our Netflix movies and still get to bed at a decent hour. So, maybe we could talk dirty on Facebook BEFORE, and then try to knock this out quickly after. Yup, that's pushing it, but one of us is recovering from a cold. You did yard work and won't be able to move tomorrow. This is really our only shot. Ready - BREAK!"

Ever have your back just - GO OUT when you're spreadin' the love? No? Well, you have not lived, my friend.

I think you get klutzier as you get older. Your honey goes to move and you have pinned her down by her hair. You take out noses and eyes in the dark with elbows (or hands, as you're shaking out the pins-and-needles). Same goes for depth perception. More and more we go in for the kiss and end up making out with a chin.

It's FUNNY! It's part of it. Sometimes none of these things happen. Sometimes all of these things happen. We just dance with it. We laugh. Sometimes roll our eyes. Always happy that we're playing this video game with one another ... the fabulous and the achy wrists and the accidental black eyes.



Tawanda Bee said...

Yes... yes to all of it.

My twenties were a sad experiment in living as an adult; my thirties were tough with young babies and struggles to achieve; my forties were spent learning to let go and enjoy the moments; and now I have arrived at 50 and everything is just... easier and funner.

is funner a word?

Summer said...

that about covers it! You couldn't pay me to go backwards, though.

Christine said...

T Bee, it is now!

Jamey... said...

Have you read "Sheet Music" by Dr. Kevin Leman? It's basically a Christian enjoy your married sex how-to/why-to book. It's great. The Amazon reviews by offended Christians are almost as entertaining as the book. I loved it. :)

Corey said...

23 minutes? Girl, what's taking y'all so long? Time is money! ;-)

Christine said...

Corey, stop scanning.

Things sometimes slow down as you age!!

geralyn said...

Pee my pants laughing. You did forget to mention that in our advancing middle aged years, a 55 gallon drum with a pump handle of KY jelly is always handy. Oh and a bedroom door that friggin locks so we're not putting on a free educational session for our kids. Girly, I needed this today! Funny stuff, and oh so true!

Jess said...

Oh I am yet to get there and yet it all sounds strangely familiar. My jaw locks painfully sometimes and has to be crunched at intimate moments - Mmmmmm, sexy. I am currently pregnant with our sixth child. You'd think that by number six we'd be used to romancing around the bump but no, it is still a sexy, cumbersome, funny situation to make love when one is heavily pregnant. Then of course my pelvis is about to fall in two....

Michelle, Dave & Babes said...

And you didn't even mention the excess of bodily gasses.

Shonda said...

Ha ha ha. And, suddenly mirrors are banned from the bedroom. At least they are banned from my bedroom! Too too funny.

Casasola said...

This needs to be published.

JenniferJ said...

After all of our surgeries, my husband wants someone else to write a book....."Intercourse for the Infirm" :)