Monday, April 25, 2011
"Honey, I'm going to blog about middle-aged sex."
Instead of laughing at every little thing I threw out there, he just kept saying, "Right? RIGHT?" A few more seconds and he would've been yelling, "Preach it!" and jumped a pew. Which would have been interesting, seeing how we don't have any pews in our house. Perhaps the bench of our dining room table.
So, back to my point: it is funny. Sex as you age can get very, very funny! And I'm on the early side of it. I have a whole world of quirky, creaky things I have yet to experience.
Sex is better than it has ever been. My marriage is better than it has ever been. Yet, now sex is more like a video game. There are all these awesome prizes and treasures out there, but you have to work around obstacles to get to them.
Appendages fall asleep. You can take your fish oil and be active, but it just is what it is. Aging appendages start to lose their once-perfect circulation. Stay in one place too long, and it's deader than a doornail.
Things sometimes slow down as you age. Not a horrible thing ... unless you have appendages falling asleep. Or you have laundry that needs to be moved over to the dryer. Or you get a cramp. Oh, yeah. Cramps are hot!
I have a creative mind, but as I age, the creativity has remained along with some lovely fog to make it interesting. Anyone else? Raise your hand. Your ... raise your hand. HEY! FOCUS!
There is a very delicate balance. Sometimes you may find it necessary to move your thought process over to your grocery list ... or basketball scores. This helps you buy some time when (repeat: things sometimes slow down as you age). But you can't let your brain go too far one direction. Gotta' stay in the game at least a LITTLE. It is a high wire act, I swear! We have to do this with our new, aging, foggier brains. Yeeeeesh. No pressure.
When appendages fall asleep, they eventually must wake up. OH, SWEET MOTHER, nothing puts a cramp in the after-glow more than pins and needles in your hands and wrists. "Sweetie, that was aweso ... awe ... ow, ow, OW, OW, OWWWWWWWWW!" So romantic.
There is another fine line: the balance between soaking up the moment and enjoying it before someone unintentionally falls asleep (I hear that has happened to other people - we don't know anything about that).
Sometimes you can engage and be switching everything up and feel all very Sex in the City. However, more times than not, you have your tired brain and your tired body and the stress of the day all working against you. There must be extreme, intense focus. Wax on, wax off. Wax on - "STOP TALKING! I have to concentrate" - wax off. Wax on - "DON'T MOVE! I'm in the zone!" - Wax off.
Did you know that some people can lay on a pillow just fine. However, flat surfaces sometimes kick in the vertigo. You want the room to spin when you have sex ... ya' know ... but FIGURATIVELY.
Having kids throws in its own set of kinks. "We could do this before lights out or after. If it's before, we are down to just 23 minutes. I still need to brush my teeth and pee. That takes us down to 20 minutes - so there could be zero talking. Uh huh - this conversation right here would have to be foreplay. If we wait til after, we both want to watch our Netflix movies and still get to bed at a decent hour. So, maybe we could talk dirty on Facebook BEFORE, and then try to knock this out quickly after. Yup, that's pushing it, but one of us is recovering from a cold. You did yard work and won't be able to move tomorrow. This is really our only shot. Ready - BREAK!"
Ever have your back just - GO OUT when you're spreadin' the love? No? Well, you have not lived, my friend.
I think you get klutzier as you get older. Your honey goes to move and you have pinned her down by her hair. You take out noses and eyes in the dark with elbows (or hands, as you're shaking out the pins-and-needles). Same goes for depth perception. More and more we go in for the kiss and end up making out with a chin.
It's FUNNY! It's part of it. Sometimes none of these things happen. Sometimes all of these things happen. We just dance with it. We laugh. Sometimes roll our eyes. Always happy that we're playing this video game with one another ... the fabulous and the achy wrists and the accidental black eyes.