Friday, May 27, 2011

Punching bag

This has been how I feel this week:



The deep feelings of being abandoned are huge in our home right now. One child has a rough day, and sometimes that triggers and pulls feelings to the forefront of another child. Sometimes it triggers every adopted child in your home.

I am here. I am present. I will always love and never leave. I am the perfect place to project all of that pain and confusion, without fear of more abandonment.

I have taken a lot this week. I have been beat up emotionally. I have been strung out. I have juggled three very hurting hearts, on top of my own.

These are also the times when the little things seem HUGE.

The !@#%$*&^ ice maker that I fixed last week now has a new issue ... again ... even though I thought it was resolved last night. My rosemary bush is still not transplanted. The shower head is still leaking. And my feet look weird. The longer I look at them, the weirder they look.

Mom is spent.

I have sent everyone to separate activities where they can veg out their brains and just not think so intensely for awhile (or the whole weekend ... whatever). I am eating something yummy and chock full of nutrients. I have put on some of my favorite music. I put on clothes that make me feel happy and sassy.



Tonight I will run away and play. Or eat something fattening. Or both.

14 comments:

Erika said...

Feeling you. Sometimes I feel so strong like I can contain all of their big feelings. Other days, I'm feeling like I can't manage to contain my own, let alone my little ones' feelings. I can't figure out the difference between those kinds of days. Luckily for me, this is our easy breezy season.

GB's Mom said...

Love the punching bag! If I could have one made with my face, there is a little girl in my house who would be very happy :)

Diana said...

Ah, crap! How come we live so far apart? We've been going through the same thing here. It SUCKS!!!!! And I haven't dealt with it very well at all! >:-/ I'm trying to pull myself out of the rut, but it is TOUGH!

Ericka said...

HUGS Christine. I vote for something fattening. Smelling something nice and flowery helps too.

Ten Beautiful Years said...

I can relate to the punching bag analogy!!!

In Christ's selfless love for us, He too was quite abused; abused to death in fact! Still, only perfect love poured forth.

PLEASE don't think for a minute that I'm ANYWHERE near as selfless walking out love as Christ is...

I'd like to be...
...............some days...
.......................other days,
yeah, not-so-much!

Tolerating my RADs abuse of ME (and my loved ones)
"in the name of love"
is an area I struggled with raising my RADs.

I always wanted to extend forgiveness for the past but not unwittingly extend permission for the future...

Know what I mean?

Yes, there is selflessness in the grand scheme of love... especially in loving children with a history of early trauma! Yet, TRUE love shouldn't consistently leave us emotionally nor physically pulverized.

I certainly didn't want my kids to go on thinking it is appropriate when THEY are hurt, for them to think they CAN hurt me, or others.

We needed to address that. And We did.

-And I'm SURE you DO Christine!!! ***YOU ARE AWESOME!!!!!!!!***

EVERY time my RAD inflicted wounds ACHE...
They physically remind me of EXACTLY HOW loving RAD affected kids has HURT ME...
AND my loved ones!

OF COURSE after-the-fact we all need to extend FORGIVENESS... and keep on extending forgiveness
EVERY-SINGLE-TIME that un-forgiveness rears its ugly head!!!

Every time.

Forgiveness is not optional.

When the RAD front of frazzled emotions has settled, I'm sure you'll talk with the kids telling them that you do not give them permission to hurt you... or others. I'm sure you'll educate them on how to better process their emotions, for the "next time" those same emotions come up... because we all know there will be a next time.

I didn't want my RADs to grow up hurting people... I didn't want my nonRAD to grow up expecting/accepting/excusing abuse "in the name of love."

There has to be a balance of taking it and forgiving it without excusing it nor permitting it.

Sunday Koffron said...

You know I have knocked some lovely people around just like that BoZo…or you. If it is any conciliation I now think of those people as angles among us and count them as some of my best friend, all of these many years later.

I love the way you hang in there and manage to come off as hopeful even during the really tough times. XOXO

Becky said...

Hugs you...

And sends virtual margaritas ;-)

Hannah_Rae said...

Yeah...

New baby + Big brother hangin' around again + RADling + horomonal-ness I am not used to = One tired, but grace-filled mama. The more I need, the more I get. Thank you, Lord.

Lindsay Mama to Nine said...

So this is the wash, rinse , repeat for Trauma Mama's...Clothes, food,Tunes...running away...I'm on it!

Love ya!

Katie and Steph said...

Christine what IS that lovely food in the Photo? I wouldn't mind having a big bowl of that!

Christine said...

I just added a link to the recipe within my post, when I talk about it. Num-eeee!

Medkid said...

I have no RADs, in fact I have no kids! But I totally and completely respect you courageous, loving therapeutic parents. And Christine, woa girl you rock at self care! I only have to take care of myself in med school land and I can barely do that! Peaceful thoughts to you and your fam.

Brenda Ann Simmans said...

My feets are really lookin' weird too!! Ugh.

Michelle said...

Come to San Antonio and I will buy you dinner and drinks!

Even if you have weird feet. Just don't wear flip flops, because I don't want to lose my appetite or anything. :)