Words can make or break you

Once upon a time, we were eating at Chili's. We had two children via birth. We were in the process of adopting an African American child. Our lives were surrounded with diversity and color. Yet, on that particular night, my 4-year-old turned around to see an African American couple sitting down in the booth directly adjacent to ours, and declared (with a sneer), "Mom, they're blaaaaaaaaack."

I was mortified. I was sure that this family was looking at our pasty whiteness and thinking, "From the mouths of babes, you racist pigs." Now, I know that my children had never heard anything of the sort in our home. I knew that my child's preschool teacher (whom they ADORED) was African American. My children had never said anything like this before. I also know my kid was at a developmental age where they were noticing differences coupled with ZERO filter.

I immediately responded, so the family could hear, "Why, yes, they do have black skin. Who else do you know with black skin? (listing teachers, friends, etc) And what color is your skin?" At that point, something shiny floated by and I'm sure my kid was thinking about how funny farts are, and I no longer existed.

Still ... my face was red until we left and I so desperately wanted to crawl under a table and hide. MORTIFIED!

Yesterday I started a discussion with my older kids about banned books. It ended with extensive education on anal and oral sex. Cause, ya' know, that's how we roll, despite the fact that I could just let their middle/high school friends educate them on this. *cough* Yet, somewhere in the middle, the term "LGBT" came up. Perfect opportunity to break it down (side note: "bi" was the only one that stumped them).

I wasn't sure if they remembered the term "heterosexual," so I threw out, "What does it mean if you're 'straight'?"

What I heard caught me off guard.

One child, without even thinking or realizing what it implied, said, "Well, like, it means that I like (insert opposite gender here) ... like perfect."

And then another said, "It's when you like people, like normal."

Of course, I waited til all opinions and ideas were expressed, and then I lovingly said, "Let's talk about some of the words we used."

I know that in this instance it was coming from trauma histories, and kids who rarely feel normal or perfect. However, I had to really sit on this for awhile. I still am. I don't want to leave it just yet.

Even in my home, where we constantly emphasize equality, social justice, compassion and love ... words like "perfect" and "normal" flew out of mouths without any thought. I'm forcing myself to evaluate any hidden bigotries and blanket statements I have never addressed in my own mind. I am listening to myself closely to see if my words ever get lax, and go against what I actually feel and believe to be true.

I'm also pondering another aspect. How would this conversation go down in a public school classroom? A coffee shop? Around the water cooler? In a church foyer?

Not the anal and oral sex conversation. Although, if one of you wants to also try that as a social experiment, I would LOVE to hear how it plays out!



(photo by jendo neversil, used with permission)