And I hate being therapeutic.
I just recorded a DVD on therapeutic parenting, for Pete's sake. Look how positive and relaxed I look - as if I could do this in my sleep (or maybe I was just comforted by the "Welcome Back Kotter" look-alike on the powerpoint).
Right. Then I came home.
I'll be the first to say that being therapeutic with all kids works. It is respectful of their pain and their inability to put that pain into words. It "hears" them when their behaviors are doing the talking. It is all things kind and loving. It has value beyond description, and it creates a healing environment regardless of whether they are having a "normal" hard day or they are surviving years of neglect and abuse.
Oh, and I hate doing it. I'll be the first to tell you that, too.
To quote myself: "The only thing harder than parenting them is being them."
Yet, let's not skim over the fact that parenting them is still really hard!
Parts of it get easier with practice. About the time you hit that groove, you actually start to experience some healing in your home. You have a moment of knowing what a good
Like today.
And this is with a child who has not had attachment struggles. Parenting any child who is hurting or struggling in any way is tough. In my house right now, we are all tired from an unusually busy month. There are external factors coming into play. Oh, and we're still supposed to function in the world to some extent.
How do I do it?
First, I remember to stay out of the battle. I agree or stay quiet with whatever comes out of their mouth. I just keep agreeing or just sitting and being present. If you are agreeing with their arguments there is no battle, and they are being heard. "It's not fair!" "This isn't fair!" If you are being quiet and being present, there is no battle and they feel they are being heard.
If I'm still so revved up inside I can't even remember how to spell "therapeutic," I then say, "I need to calm down. What would you like to do while I'm getting myself settled?" "I DON'T KNOW!" "Okay, well, you can do what you like when you decide. I'll be in my room/on a walk/listening to music."
My kid who is really struggling today just got VERY angry, even after giving them choices as to what they want to do. So, I said, "It seems that you might want to throw something, because you are so angry." "NO, I DON'T! I just want to go OUTSIDE!"
Again, I agreed. And they stomped past me.
Writing is therapeutic for me, so I'm finishing this post. I have no idea what is going on out there, but I know that whatever gets pummeled or ripped or shredded is not worth more than my child. It's their way of working through it, and another time it can be repaired when everyone is regulated. We are finding our own space to get past the biggest part of the feelings. This kind of interaction isn't limited to kids with a history of trauma. I know there are plenty of parents of teenagers who are feeling pretty darn connected to me right now. Even the "normal" kids talk through behavior.
When this settles, I will take the first step to reconnect. I'm still feeling angry, myself. I'll get there. Space is good.
I won't let my disdain for the process become an excuse not to do it. It is good for everyone. However, I won't pretend I still don't struggle with it. Both are true.
We are all having to do something that is very, very hard for us. Sometimes I guess it's a positive thing. Being therapeutic forces us into a situation where we are not asking our kids to do something we're not having to do ourselves.
Suck.
10 comments:
respect, love, prayers ... times infinity ... for each of you that do this.
When I agree with my daughter when she's angry, it just makes her more mad. It doesn't matter my tone. I think she feels like I'm mocking her, or being condescending. And being quiet has the same effect. It riles her up more. She doesn't feel like I'm really listening or caring. Sometimes if she's really off the deep end, this strategy is fine because she's already hit rock bottom (or gone over the edge). But when she's having a milder fit, these two things seem to escalate her rage. BUT the other option is to argue. I honestly feel like NOTHING works with her. Even her ESL teacher (who works with her one on one everyday) has read some of the books (like Connected Child) and feels like it's tough to find a strategy that works with her. Oy!
I so needed this post today! Once again, you point out that I am not alone. Thank you.
Amy, this doesn't stop my kids from raging or arguing. It simply gives them permission to do so. They have a space to do it!
Perhaps you are assuming it will STOP the behavior. No. They need to be heard. Hear them. They ARE having HUGE feelings. It has to happen. It needs to come out. Yet, by showing that you are hearing it, there is healing WHILE the behavior occurs.
My trick from my friend, Billy, (in the pic above) is to repeat their anger three times. They say, "You're so mean!" I say, "I'm mean, I'm mean, I'M MEAN!" Then sit and be present and give them space to process being heard.
They won't believe you're genuine until it has become a regular thing. Their trust is in the crapper. Hang close. Give them that space. Encourage the yelling, throwing, stomping. It's when we try to make them stop expressing their feelings that we slow down the healing.
Thank you so much for sharing information like this and having a blog like yours. We are in the process of our first adoption and I am comforted and blessed to find sites like yours to refer to.
Keep up the good work!
Thanks, Christine! I'm such a silly goober. There are days I marvel that my children have made any progress with me as their mom. Geesh!
I'd say to Amy that sometimes the anger or whatever it is DOES become more fierce when you agree r "hear" it, but the result might possbily be the child digging down a layer to what the deeper pain is. i.e. the tantrum might be about not liking what I made for dinner, but on a deeper level my daughter senses that if I don't make something she likes, I am not consciously tinking of feedin her, and she's expressing her fear of not being fed, and a lot of anger that she actually WASN'T fed (by a person whose place I've taken - and whose guilt I've inherited as well).
One shocking discovery lately is that I am not always ME, I am sometimes "her" - the bio mom. In my daughter's mind it is as though I am superimosed on her first mom. I have a lot to answer for.
Hm...can you tell my keyboard is not really working with me? Sorry for all the typos.
"I won't let my disdain for the process become an excuse not to do it. It is good for everyone. However, I won't pretend I still don't struggle with it. Both are true."
Love this quote! It is hard. I once thought it would go away. It hasn't. It has gotten easier but I now see it as a way of life...for all of us.
Thanks for all you do for us lonely ones in the trenches!
Awesome post. And one I needed, since we have had arguments or a level of attitude that she needs a uhaul to carry it all around in pretty much nonstop lately. Although I have to wonder just how long it took her to cut the 60's go go costume in half with little kid blunt edge paper sissors :).
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