VIVA!

I have a very not happy 7-year-old this morning. I asked her to help with something. She was not thrilled. Did not know I was still standing right there and began mumbling under her breath. I don't know what was said but it was not pretty! Could tell by the inflection and facial expression.

"Wow. I'm guessing that wasn't very nice."

"What? I just said ... viva."

"Viva?"

"I SAID VIVA!"

"Um, that's not even a word."

"Yes it IS! VIVA LAS VEGAS! That's what I said!!"

At which point I left as quickly as I could before she saw me laughing.

When it becomes the hot, new curse word, remember who gets credit.

VIVA!




(photo by Bob Townsend, used with permission)

No me want to talk about myself!

*the title of this post is ripped from the preschool dialect of my friend's daughter - a kid from the hard places who, when she is not thrilled about something, always starts her sentence with, "No me want to!" which is now a favorite catch phrase in our home - and should really be on a t-shirt*

I have met a lot of people over the years that have a really bad opinion of therapists and psychiatrists. I have had my moments. Admittedly, I have those moments most when they start coming at me about my stuff.

No me want to talk about myself!

Hearing that anger and "mad" is a cover-up emotion ... a natural reaction to hide what is really going on ... well, I did. not. like. that. I wanted two things: I wanted my kids to just be mad (which makes them mean - not hurting), because then I could just be mad at them.

Ah, did you see that - "I could just be mad?" I had to look at me. My own anger and "mad" is always a cover up for what is really going on underneath.

I don't know about you, but I HATE talking about my stuff I need to work on.

I'm not being funny. I HATE IT. I avoid it. I'm not stupid and I know it's hard to change and I. don't. want. to.

So, when you are already parenting a child who is constantly pushing you away and you dread going to bed at night because you know it means you're about to start all over again the next day ... you want a spa vacation. You don't want to have to do more work which can only begin by dealing with stuff you are already not dealing with on purpose.

That sucks.

That is not fair.

That should not be.

That seems impossible.

That feels impossible.

That should piss you off, at least a little bit.

I loved our attachment therapist, except when she very gently needed to correct me. I loved books and resources except when they told me that I had to work on myself first, before I could help my child.

Screw that, right?

I AM NOT SUPER WOMAN!

Hmph.

I'm going to say this out loud for all of us today. Some of you aren't there, yet. I get it. Took me a long time, and with some things it took me a VERY long time. But I'm going to say the words ... put them in print. Because you can't move forward until you say it. I have had my own private moments to get through this. I don't expect any of you to do it publicly, but I won't dare NOT encourage you to push your way through the hard crap.

We (parents of kids from the hard places) use anger as a cover up, sometimes just as much as our kids do.

"That therapist says it's my fault!" Yup. Some of them don't understand attachment and don't see it. But some who see it, are trying to help us see where we are hindering the process. There is a difference, and some of us don't want to go there. Cover it up with anger.

"That book says I have to be perfect! I never will be!" No. It doesn't. We all know it doesn't. But we have a million emotions over our own stuff and we make rash generalizations ... we use exaggeration and grandiose emotion as a cover up for what we're really feeling. What we don't want anyone to know.

"That would NEVER work with my child and is a bunch of foo foo!" I will be the first to wipe my butt with anything that says sticker charts are effective for attachment challenged kids. HOWEVER, that's certainly not what I'm talking about here. I always have an immediate desire (craving) to blow off approaches that will be the most difficult for me to implement. Those are usually things that will require me to interact more with my child, emotionally and physically. I would much rather gravitate to approaches that are more militant and distant. Why? Well, you are not going to get that answer, because it took months of self-reflection and admission of a LOT of my own issues before I could come to terms with that. It is private and it was painful and embarrassing for me to even admit some of it to myself. It sucked, but I did it. Oh, yeah ... and it sucked.

No me want to talk about myself!

I could go on, but I think you get the idea. No one is perfect. No one is even remotely close to perfect. But we are all professionals at avoiding our part of the process. Sometimes we avoid it because we have some really horrible, painful things and we would rather die than have to think about them, recall them, much less fix them.

It is proven that our own histories and experiences affect our parenting.

It is undeniably true.

It sucks.

It is not fair.

It should not be.

It seems impossible.

It feels impossible.

It should piss you off, at least a little bit.

But you are not alone as you try to face yourself, before you can hep your kids. My holy hooch - YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Grab me by the hand and hold on tight and see if you can just admit a tiny bit of it out loud this week, if only to yourself.

Dance with it

We just survived a tough two weeks with the trauma (which is now triggered regularly by full-on puberty). I understand why the therapists encourage us to work our tails off on the healing before puberty, if at all possible. Our kids are already onions, with many, many layers of issues and hurts. Puberty takes that onion, genetically modifies it, and turns it into a County Fair prize winner.

A freakishly bigger onion, but still an onion. You take it one layer at a time.

One morning, in particular, things could have gone south in a hurry. You get what I mean. You see it in their walk, their voice, and even in the way their face hangs on their cheeks. They come out of their room already there. Already in that mode. Already shutting down. Hormones don't need a trigger. They ARE the trigger and they just show up, unannounced, doing that roller coaster thing they do.

I don't remember what the gentle correction was, but I do remember that I was being SO playful (I remember, because I didn't want to be and kept saying to myself, "Do the opposite of what you feel like doing!"). It ended up sounding something like this:

"Mom, I don't want the rest of my oatmeal."

This kid still has a hint of food issues. Never doesn't finish anything (nice use of the double negativity there). Like ... ever. So, it was their way of saying, "I am having big feelings and I know this will upset you." I did my therapeutic, "That's cool. Why don't you just relax at the table for awhile. You haven't even eaten a bite, yet. Give yourself a minute. That way if you are hungry in a little bit, you can still eat."

That's when I saw it. It's the look of "I want a fight. I will get a fight, and here we go."

"I'm not hungry." *slight tears* "I don't want my oatmeal."

Now, one approach here is to say, "I didn't say you wanted to eat it right now. I hear that you don't want your oatmeal. Just take a break at the table. Grab a book and read for a bit. If you're still not hungry in about ten minutes, then we can put it away." However, I knew in that moment, we were past that. It would have turned into a louder, "I don't want to stay at the table."

I just knew. Been around this block a few times.

So, I did what I WAY did not want to do.

"That's cool. I hear you. You don't want your oatmeal. Why don't you bring it to me."

And they did.

"I'll eat it for you, and I don't mind washing your bowl and spoon, either. Why don't you go find something fun to do. Love you." No sarcasm.

My child had prepared their oatmeal in a way I do not care to eat it (my kids get to add their own "stuff" to plain oats). They knew that. But by golly, I ate that bowl of oatmeal. I washed the bowl and the spoon and put them away. My child took themselves to their room and did not emerge for a half hour. But when they did, they were regulated - for the most part. They rejoined everyone else. Not another word was said. The early morning yuck was behind us.

We moved on.

When you smell a fight and you know it's beyond a mild therapeutic intervention, don't bow up against it. Dance with it. Buy it flowers. Maybe even give it a good night kiss and cop a feel.



(photo by Moi Cody, used with permission)

I dare you to have fun today

This is for all of us. Of course, it has significant value to those of us parenting hurting and struggling kids. But I'll bet it also might change the face of your cubicle, your office, your living room, your drive to work, your grocery store check out that has 400 people waiting and only two lines open.

It doesn't have to be grandiose.

I double dog dare you to have fun today. If even for five minutes. YOU do it. Don't wait on someone else.

"Fun can obviously change behavior for the better."

More poignant than most would think.

I can't do this!

Today I am reminding myself of a piece of my own advice:

When you are thinking (screaming), "I CAN'T DO THIS!" - do whatever it takes to turn that into, "WHY can't I do this?"

You guys don't think I blog this crap for YOU, do you? Nope. It's for me. I ignore my own videos. I pretend to forget my own advice. Therapeutic parenting does get easier and more natural the more you do it, but then the good days put you into a new normal. And you forget. And you get lackadaisical (10 points for a big word!). And you get complacent. And your child hits a day of regression ... or one of your neuro-typical children has a perfectly predictable day of grieving their adoption and

BOOM!

You engage in the battle.

You don't forget to be therapeutic. You REFUSE to be therapeutic. You make it all about them. You. are. pissed.

So, here is how it looks for me:

1. Get mad. Get really, really, really, really mad.

2. Speak to my child through clenched teeth and actually brag on myself openly that I don't yell at or hit my kids. Look how great I am (shaming the holy hey-diddle out of them).

3. Remove myself from the situation if at all possible (being very NON therapeutic and bragging out loud that I am being strong and removing myself from this very intense situation that is not my fault at all - blame, blame, blame, blame, shame, shame, shame, shame).

4. Chill out for a few minutes. Think of all the things Lisa would tell me to do and quickly pretend I have never even heard of a Lisa - ever.

5. Do other things, and find that I am calming down. Feel my heart rate slowing.

6. Check email and see a message from a struggling mom. Start to give her advice.

7. Realize I ignore my own advice sometimes.

8. Cuss.

9. Cuss.

10. Know what I need to do. Know my part. Know that I CAN do this, I just don't WANT to do this.

11. Cuss.

12. Finally ask myself, "WHY can't I do this right now?" Admit to myself briefly that I want to punish my child. Admit that my anger is a cover up for a different feeling. Admit that I feel powerless and out of control. Admit that I am embarrassed and worried about how my child's behavior reflects on me.

13. Cuss.

14. Cuss.

15. Bite the bullet and go to my child. Tell them that I know why they did what they did. Talk briefly about restitution. Talk briefly about other ways to communicate (besides giving my friends' daughter bangs with craft scissors!).

16. Put on my big girl panties and hug my child. Still wallow a bit in the anger that is covering up what is really going on inside of me.

17. Feel more anger that I hugged my child and she appears to feel love and relief. Still feel the huge desire to punish - a lot - for a really long time.

18. Go back to my room and deal with me. Seek out those people in my life who will encourage me to move toward my child and not away from her (while still giving me PLENTY of compassion and lots of emails that say, "This sucks!")

There ya' go. Christine's alternate approach. Her "18 Steps on the Days You Suck Eggs With The Therapeutic Parenting." It's slower. It's not ideal. But it did finally get the job done.

Trust me - I get it. Sometimes the days that throw us over the edge are not even due to the worst behaviors. It's just that perfect storm, plus the straw that broke the camel's back. But the key is: when you blow it, when you hate it, when you are absolutely sure you can't do it one more day ... you find your way back. If you can do it in less than 18 steps, you are kicking my tail!

Magical Milk Pic-o-the-Week

"A woman's breasts are life giving not only to her child but to her whole family. When all works in harmony there opens the door to success in their relationships within."

(photo by Rachel Valley)

Are you in the Chicago area?

I am very excited to tell you all about a conference I will be attending (and speaking briefly) in April - Parenting in Space.

In the last few months, I have had the privilege of stalking and verifying the awesomeness that is House Calls Counseling. The name really does say it all. They understand the importance of consistency and familiarity for kids from the hard places. So, they offer the option of attachment therapy in. your. home.

The conference is also unique. It is for PARENTS. I don't know about you, but I find myself in a lot of conferences on attachment, surrounded by caseworkers needing to keep up on their credits. Some are playing solitaire. Some ask questions and/or make assumptions that either cause you to want to punch them or wad up in the fetal position. This one is different. It is specifically for, and promoted to, those who are parenting children with a history of trauma.

I. AM. EXCITED.

Take a minute to look at the conference schedule. Break-out sessions focus on training and encouraging therapeutic parenting based on Daniel Hughes' PACE (playfulness, acceptance, curiosity and empathy). I will be there taking notes right alongside you. My little tidbit is on Saturday evening. The description made me laugh out loud:

"Parent Panel/Networking/Round Table Discussion with HCC Psychotherapists ... and Christine Moers"

Okay, so the ellipsis is my own exaggeration, but it still makes me laugh.

I also left out the best part: cash bar. See, they really ARE putting the parents first in their planning! These guys are the real deal!

Grab the code below to put your own button on your blog, even if you can't make it. Spread the love! Someone who reads your blog may be able to make it, and it may be just what they need to help their child move forward in their healing.

<a href="http://www.hcbh.com/parenting-in-space/" target="_blank"><img src="http://i43.photobucket.com/albums/e357/christinemoers/fullpage-2.jpg" /></a>

Masturbation Nation

Needing to take a writing break, so today is a remix of an old post from October of 2008. Retro Christine, if you will.

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Masturbation.

It'll make you go blind.

You'll grow hair on your palms.

It will keep you from ever having babies.

Am I missing any? Any more classic myths out there that mothers have used for centuries, in hopes that their children would live in fear of ever touching themselves?

The truth is that every single child explores their body - every inch of it. The truth is that masturbation brings pleasure. The truth is that some children masturbate to calm themselves or to fall asleep or just because they are bored.

So, YOU SHOULD TALK TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT MASTURBATION!

I know, I know. I've already made you talk to them about sex, and you would THINK this would be easier. Yet, your heart palpitations are saying otherwise. Just sit down. Put your head between your knees (NO, I'm not going to make you look - just trying to calm you down!!). Take slow, cleansing breaths. Don't move on until you're ready.

First, realize that most children masturbate looooooooooooong before they have any sexual thoughts. Some babies and toddlers masturbate. It happens. It might be happening down the hall from you. Don't freak. Even young children may be masturbating without their parents ever knowing. You can take pride in knowing you have a very bright kid that figured out a way to chill and enjoy life without spending any money! Does that help? No? Okay, well just remember that your child is not a sexual deviant, a victim of abuse and they are not alone. Just google, "Help! My child is masturbating!" and you'll figure that out pretty quickly.

Second, it's something to discuss, not fix. The best thing you can give your child is a supportive voice and loving eyes as you talk with them.

Third, you should remind your child that many people find ways of touching their bodies in a way that feels very good and relaxing (like shoulder massages). When you touch your genitals, it is called masturbation. You need to explain to your child that genitalia are a little more sensitive than some other areas. It's important to have clean hands anytime you touch openings to your body. Also, it is possible that you can cause dry skin or irritation. The example I have used over the years is that, while it may feel good to rub your eyes when you are first waking up, it is possible to rub them to harshly or too long - causing them to be sore or even causing some damage. You should listen to your body. You should take good care of it, and always ask Mom or Dad if there is anything that is sore or tender.

Fourth, your child needs to know when and where it is appropriate to masturbate. Again - there is no guilt in exploring your body, but it is perfectly acceptable to have guidelines in your home that respect everyone's comfort and privacy. Talk about it. Have refresher discussions as they grow.

Finally, you should love your sons enough to prepare them for the "Old Faithful" experience that is approaching as they near puberty. Imagine, you are a tween and your body is doing all of this crazy stuff. Your penis wakes YOU up most mornings. It's like it has a mind of its own ... and then one day Mr. Semen makes his grand debut. That's all well and good, but what if this happens while they're in bed or ASLEEP? How, exactly, do you escort Mr. Semen to a proper receptacle? Is this normal? WHAT IS GOING ON??

AUGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!

They need to know what is going to happen. They deserve to feel okay about these changes, and realize it's a part of growing up. Puberty gives our kids enough to wig out about. Let's not keep them in the dark about the most natural of changes.

My husband and I both talk to our kids about these issues. Sometimes separately. Sometimes together. Always a lot. Again, don't expect your boys to come bounding in, begging you to talk about sexual issues with them! They won't. Just do it. As your kids near the age where they are going to start having sexual thoughts, that is when you start to discuss your views on respecting and honoring the opposite sex in regard to masturbation. This is when you can help your sons begin to think about treating every person with respect in their hearts, minds (and penises). This is the opportune time to have a very frank discussion about pornography. Note I said "discussion" - not lecture. Back-and-forth. TALK about it WITH them. Hear them.

Now, we are all vastly different. My readers come from a crazy array of backgrounds and beliefs. You should all have this discussion in a way that reflects your beliefs. By not talking about it, you hand them over to their peers for information. You build a wall in your home. You want to keep the lines of communication open, and your kids want to know what YOU think. They really do. They're not going to tell you that, but in 20 years they may tell you how they regretted to have more personal discussions while they were still living at home.

Say it with me: ma-stur-ba-tion!

You can do this. I believe in you!


(photo by Steve Woods)

Open Adoption

Needing to take a writing break, so today is a remix of an old post from November of 2008. Retro Christine, if you will.

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"Remember, what birthparents relinquish is not their connection to the child. That can never be relinquished. It just is. There is no why. It just is. But what they do relinquish are the rights and responsibilities of parenting."





From A Letter to Adoptive Parents on Open Adoption by Randolph W. Severson, Ph.D

Our family has been involved in open adoption experiences for five years. When I first heard the words "open adoption," I thought what most of you think - "You have got to be kidding me." We have a lot of adoption in my family. Yet, my dad opened his adoption the good, old fashioned way - when he was 50!

Then, I became educated on open adoption, and it all changed. I had been around and familiar with adoption my whole life, but I still had no clue as to the tremendous benefits and need for open adoption. Crazy, isn't it, that I didn't know it all? I was shocked, myself. I was also greatly humbled that I would make assumptions on something so important to a child, without really taking time to understand it.

If you are considering a closed or semi-closed arrangement because you are uncomfortable with the idea of openness, then I challenge you to stop and not move along in the process until you do the following:

**Read at least 3-5 books on open adoption.
**Talk openly with at least five families in open adoptions.

Don't do it because you want to (um ... because you DON'T want to), but because you can't know now, everything your child will need for a lifetime. Realize that your child will benefit from the truth, even if it is painful and ugly and uncomfortable for the adults.

Third verse, same as the first.

Your child will benefit from the truth, even if it is painful and ugly and uncomfortable for the adults.


I have two children that entered our home by birth, and three that have entered (or are entering) our home by adoption. All three adopted children have access to their entire extended birth families - their first families. Some of those connections are easy and sweet and fun. Some are messy and complicated and have boundaries in place. Some involve visits and phone calls. Some of them just exist through old photos and a few fleeting bits of information. Some choose not to have contact. All of them are vital to my children. It is their story. It is their history. It is their access to answers and relationship. They get to take it and use it as needed, throughout their life, as they grow and change and love and hurt and grieve and celebrate.

Not all birth family members are loving. Not all are consistent. Sometimes our children want contact and it is denied. Sometimes birth family initiates and one of my kids pull back. They have that right. We all work through it together, and seek counseling if we're not exactly sure how to navigate something. NOTE: open adoption does not mean putting your child in a situation that is not safe or that is an abuse/neglect trigger for them - but you can locate and hold onto those truths and answers for them - for when they are ready.

Studies on open adoption are still unfolding (although, it's nothing new). Some interesting findings:

Children of open adoptions have a more positive image of their birth mother. (Dr. Ruth McRoy, University of Texas in Austin)

Adoptive parents with fully open adoptions are less fearful of the stability of their adoption, and more comfortable talking about adoption, than closed adoption parents. (Dr. McRoy)

Children of open adoptions are reported to have fewer behavioral problems than children of closed adoptions. (Dr. Marianne Berry, California Longitudinal Study on Adoption)

From the Minnesota Texas Adoption Research Project:
* Parties in open (fully disclosed) adoptions are not confused about their parenting rights and responsibilities.
* Birth mothers do not attempt to "reclaim" their children.
* Children in open (fully disclosed) adoptions are not confused about who their parents are. They do understand the different roles of adoptive and birth parents in their lives.
* Differences in adolescent adoptive identity or degree of preoccupation with adoption are not related to the level of openness in the adoption.
* Adoptive openness does not appear to influence an adoptee's self-esteem in any negative way.
* Adoptive parents in open adoptions do NOT feel less in control and, indeed, have a greater sense of permanence in their relationship with their child.
* Open adoption does not interfere with adoptive parents' sense of entitlement or sense that they have the right to parent their adopted child.
* Birth mothers in open and ongoing mediated adoptions do NOT have more problems with grief resolution; indeed, they show better grief resolution than those in closed adoptions. Researchers did find that birth mothers in time-limited mediated adoptions (where contact stopped) had more difficulty resolving grief at the first interview of the study (when the children were between 4 and 12 years old).


I have discussed open adoption at length before. Here are some of my posts that explain our experience, training and education on open adoption:

What Open Adoption is NOT

Open Adoption Isn't For Everyone - Or Is It? Part 1

Open Adoption Isn't For Everyone - Or Is It? Part 2

Open Adoption Isn't For Everyone - Or Is It? Part 3

Open Adoption Isn't For Everyone - Or Is It? Part 4


Open adoption allows you to really know and understand the adoption process. You know the birth family. You know the circumstances intimately. You know if the professionals are acting ethically. Your questions get living, breathing answers.

Open adoption does not take away grief. It involves relationship, so it is not perfect. I do not write about the sticky parts of open adoption in our home. That information belongs to my children. They accept it or reject it or talk about it or hide it, based on where they are and what their heart needs at the time. We are here to love them unconditionally, and give them a safe place to enjoy or grieve their connection to their first family.

Their stories have twists and turns and involve lots and lots of people - our extended family. And we are so crazy blessed to be a part of it, even when it's hard.

Especially when it's hard.


National Adoption Month - Definitely, Maybe!
National Adoption Month - Kids From the Hard Places

(photo by Lize Rixt)

My life as a freegan vegan flexitarian

Needing to take a writing break, so today is a remix of an old post from February of 2010. Retro Christine, if you will.

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There is no denying the amazing benefits of a vegan lifestyle. If you are regularly sucking down dairy, eggs and meat, you increase your chances of asthma, osteoporosis, and Alzheimer's. Your immune system is weaker (Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine).

Check out the diets of many professional and Olympic athletes. Yeah, they're no dummies.

More and more studies are showing that older adults who switch over to a vegan or vegetarian diet can prevent and actually reverse many chronic illnesses. My parents are currently living that out in front of our eyes. They have both dropped about 20 lbs in two months, are cooking together and eating at home much more often. In fact, I've never heard my dad talk so positively about food in my life. Strange to have him message me recipes. We've talked about a lot of things in my 37 years, but recipes is not one of them.

With all the February sex talk on my blog, I found it fascinating that Michael F. Roizen, MD, has found that meat eaters "experience accelerated cognitive and sexual dysfunction at a younger age." He's the guy that wrote "The RealAge Diet: Make Yourself Younger with What You Eat." I can definitely see the correlation between my libido and my diet changes.

So, after all these years and all I have learned, where do I land?

I'm a freegan vegan flexitarian. I guess.

I shoot for a vegan diet with more raw food than not. Some days I rock it. Some weeks I knock it out of the park. Yet, it is sometimes not possible.

The members of my family, first and foremost, are freegans. We accept all that is given to us graciously. When our neighbor thanks us with fish, we prepare and eat that fish. When we are invited to eat in someone's home, we smile and fellowship and share in the love with which everything was prepared. When a family gave us an entire processed steer, we ate and shared an abundance of red meat for a year. We are extremely thankful for all that has been given to us ... and we eat it.

We also live our lives as flexitarians. We have a dear friend who allows us free eggs from his hens. We know those chickens. We know what they eat. We watch them lay. Sometimes we get to bring them straight home and have some amazingly fresh egg sandwiches right away. Our friend also brings us raw cow milk, chock full of many beneficial ingredients which have not been destroyed through homogenization. It's a living food.

When we go out to eat, our children are able to choose what they want. It's usually really gross and full of cholesterol. It's occasional. It's okay, and it gives them the power of choice. I do not deny myself a fat piece of pizza when it's on the buffet. Sometimes two four.

As in most areas of my life, I do not fit neatly into a little label or check box. There is no denying the benefits of cutting out animal proteins. While I do not have a problem eating animals, their eggs or milk, I do have a MAJOR problem with how our selfish, wasteful and exorbitant American diet has caused us to show utter disdain for animals and the gift which is the planet Earth. We need animals. We need soil. We need trees. They are not a perk of life, they are vital to sustainability. Sometimes we crap all over it.

So, my family lives in a constantly shifting balance when it comes to our diet. We cannot go wrong with that which comes to us from the earth and nature. We focus on those things. We let our food be our strongest medicine. We choose animal products which are produced in a way which honors the balance of nature, the balance we are to manage. Yet, in those priorities, we also honor the people in our lives. What they choose to share is a gift, and we take it with much gratitude. We are blessed by their community and care.

It is a wonderfully healthy way to live and love.

Magical Milk Pic-o-the-Week

"Here is a picture of Alicia and I nursing our babies. Hannah Elizabeth is 6 weeks old in this picture and Jonathan is almost 8 months. 10 years in the making and my sister and I get to both nurse babies together!"

(photo by Christy - she and her sister are friends from college)

My thoughts on "The Gay's" adopting and marrying

Needing to take a writing break, so today is a remix of an old post from November of 2009. Retro Christine, if you will.

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I love, love, LOVE it when I hear someone use the phrase "The Gay's." Sounds like you're talking about "The Partridge Family." No, it's not politically correct by any means, but I will say it's one of the cutest forms of uncomfortable labeling I have ever heard.

"The Gay's."

heh. Still makes me giggle. Kinda' like how our pal,Willie, refers to my youngest as "The Little Black One." Soooooo off the charts inappropriate, but genuine, none-the-less. And it is said endearingly.

If you know me personally, or for any length of time, you know that I think it's fine for anyone to adopt ... as long as they have proven themselves capable. Period. Beyond that, I have no argument. So, yeah. That means I'm cool with "The Gay's" raising kids. I'm cool with single parents raising kids. I'm cool with grandparents raising kids. Every child and every home is different. No system is perfect and there are mess-up's. Sometimes there are catastrophic mess-up's. Yet, there are wonderful adults who daily commit themselves to the lifetime of children ... and it is beautiful.

Not everyone SHOULD adopt, but for the people who are qualified, prepared and willing, I think those children are blessed. If I thought that only those who believe and follow Jesus Christ, and are active in their local church are the only people who should be parents ... then I should be trying to pass laws to stop any other person in any other circumstances from adopting.

Yet, that's not what people do. Their concerns just lie with "The Gay's."

I believe you can have a different theology ... heck, a different faith system (or no faith system) from me and be a great parent. I know lots of Christ followers. I would not give all of them a recommendation to an adoption agency. Not by a long shot. Wouldn't give all of my gay friends a recommendation to an adoption agency. And even in that, it doesn't mean those people won't reach a point where they would be able to give an adopted child all they need.

Now, because I believe it is absolutely okay for "The Gay's" to adopt, I also believe it is absolutely okay for them to marry.

Ya' know, if marriage had only ever been something practiced by a certain religion, and those churches were the only ones to perform the ceremonies, and any rights or privileges were only church-related, then it wouldn't even be a question. Yet, marriage in America is all twisted up in our system of government. If you are married, you receive, on average, 400 legal and economic rights and privileges on the state level and 1,000 on the federal level. To deny these rights and privileges does not only affect the parents, but also the children in their homes. It hurts families.

I'm not okay with that. I want to strengthen families, even the ones who do not look like mine. So, I will vote and share my beliefs accordingly. I DO want people to change their mind on these topics, but I also know that others want ME to change my mind on these topics. It just comes down to the vote.




(photo by am y)

When you're sure you've had enough of this life ...

Hang on

Keeping the silly

We have had some stressful on-goings lately - what with friends having birthdays and mom sneaking away for an overnight girls thing.

I have had to put on my silly game. My mission? Get a smile.

That is my new "thing." I forget to be silly. So, a great way to remember is this:

When things start getting off kilter, my job is to make my child smile.

I can't dive into a battle or stay engaged in the crazy if that is my goal. It helps me, too. It keeps me from being overly sarcastic with the therapeutic stuff. Keeps me from triggering them.

If my kid is getting down with the nonsense chatter, or bossy or putting stuff where it doesn't belong or (*insert one of the million behavior choices here*), I address it, but I have to, have to, have to, have to seek out a smile in the process.

No, I don't WANT to do it, but still - genius.

(photo is a perfect example of this approach - you could just SHOW your child this picture to startle them out of their crazy)

Haiti - one year later

Remembering

Magical Milk Pic-o-the-Week

This is Miles, son to Dallas Ann, 10 minutes old. You can read the entire birth story and see all pictures from the occasion here.

(photo by Amanda e. Photography, used with permission)

Logic puzzles

I love logic puzzles.

I hate them a little bit, too, but mostly I love them.

They give you a story with funny or odd details. You then decipher the logical order or pattern of the elements of the story. They give you clues, like "Sally (who is not the person with the blue hat with a dead bird on top) is sitting to the right of the man with the pockmark in the shape of Julia Caesar."

You get to enjoy the story, but also have to use logical deductions to solve the puzzle.

Fun!

Except when you are working through your graph and you hit a point when you are dang sure you have sucked every solitary possible piece of information from the clues. You get frustrated. You are tempted to look at the solution. You are pretty sure the person who created that particular puzzle left out one slice of pertinent information as a sick joke.

And then, there it is. You see the thing you missed. You realize that you had to combine clues or read more carefully or just open your eyes because it was painfully obvious. You were just making it harder than it had to be.

Yeah. I never do that (she says with drippy sarcasm). Make things harder than they have to be. Skip over the truth and keep believing that something is impossible or that there's no solution because you SWEAR you have looked at it from every angle. And it NEVER (still with the sarcasm) happens with my therapeutic parenting. Nope. Never.

Today the kids and I did logic puzzles. I watched them go through this same process in their own ways. Interesting. Very telling. Also felt a glaring spotlight on my own tendencies to do this. That's why we do these logic puzzle things, after all. To teach us to be better problem solvers.

Just thinking out loud today. And FYI - Mario was the first guy in line, his favorite animal is a giraffe and at the party he received a balloon with hearts on it.

Wouldn't you like to be a tapper, too?

I have some friends who encourage me by saying, "Are you still keeping up with your running?"

Some say, "Have you created anything this week?"

Another may throw out a, "How are those food choices going?"

My friend, Lisa, always asks me, "Are you guys tapping?" Or gives me a, "Don't forget to tap!" It always comes at a great time. Typically it is when one of my kids has had a rough week, which means I have had a rough week. And we all need it.

Tapping is a thing called Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT). There are plenty of people who roll their eyes at it and see it as some sort of creepy new age thing. Those are people who have never used it. :) Because honestly, it is just a basic way to use pressure points on your body to change up your energy and refocus you on truth. It is relaxing in a different way - not like a massage way, but a wake-up-your-brain kind of way.



In laymen's terms, you tap on pressure points in your body, stating things that you have chosen to focus on. We have used it with our kids from trauma, but I use it for myself all the time. It requires no tools, no meds, no space and very little time. While you are tapping, you say phrases that specify the emotional issue you are dealing with.

Typically, with each new area of tapping, you use a statement like, "Even though (state the negative event or feeling), I fully and deeply accept myself." There are also endless ways to vary this. A few examples are Affirming Phrases for the EFT Set-Up and my favorite: the 36 Best Ever EFT Tapping Affirmations.

Obviously, you can see how this can extremely effective for kids who have deep shame and live in a constant state of self-sabotage. But it works for you, too. I will leave you with a few videos, and encourage you to just try it. There is a reason we already go straight for some of these pressure points when we have a headache or we are stressed. We have already discovered that they bring us some relief. This is just more deliberate.

I'm a big fan, can you tell?

I like this intro video. As you will soon discover, apparently all tapping experts speak with an accent.



This is a basic short-cut method if you are just starting, or need to do some quick tapping on the go.



Then Rod Sherwin also has his full EFT recipe, which is almost exactly what I have found the most helpful (big surprise, I like to mix things up!).

Now, repeat after me, "Even though I think Christine is a complete freak and weirdo, I will try this EFT thing anyway."



(photo by Irum Shahid, used with permission)

Stealth parties

I am currently experiencing what most of us rarely do.

I have another mother of trauma RIGHT HERE in my park.

She is also crazy amazing in a million other ways, but that's a novel all to itself.

Anywho, her neuro-typical daughter (despite having those two as parents -- bu-dum-bum-CHING!) and my daughter from the hard places have become total BFFs. For several weeks now, they have built and maintained a beautiful, healthy, age-appropriate friendship.

My child has certainly done many things to try to sabotage it, but ONLY WITH US. Not with her friend.

Huge.

And now they have this really great friendship, and I think my gal is starting to actually see and think that she deserves such a thing.

So, my friend's daughter has a birthday this week. She wanted to take my daughter to a movie. Yeah, you see where I'm going with this. You already know what a HUMONGOUS thing it is that this friendship is even happening and continuing as well as it has. Now, throw in a birthday celebration ... dun-dun-duuuuuuuuun.

But you want to know why I'm writing? Want to know why my heart is exploding?

Because my friend (mom to said neuro-typical child) planned the birthday outing a day early without my daughter knowing a thing. Because she knew that would help her and alleviate one more day of temptation to sabotage and destroy the good thing.

And when I told my daughter today, "Hey, time to get ready. You are going TODAY! In about a half hour. And S's family thought it would help you to go a day early, to take away some of the stress. I knew it too. Hope it's okay we planned it that way."

And.

she.

smiled.

And she felt love. And she expressed regulated appreciation that her friend's family would care enough to do that. And she and her friend dolled up and went giggling and skipping out the door.

And I can't cry for all the smiling.

If you are a therapeutic parent, you know what a gift this was to me and my child. You know what a gift it is to just be around someone who knows and understands and then actually ... arranges their schedule for the sake of your child?!?

I'm sure there will be some regression for the next day or two.

And I could care less.




(photos by the kickin-A, trauma mama friend, Slow Pony Home)

Magical Milk Pic-o-the-Week

(photo by Daria Chernova, used with permission)

You may submit your own Magical Milk Pic by emailing it to christinemoers [at] hotmail [dot] com

Banana Chocolate Chip Cookie Smoothies

Oh yeah, you heard me right. And I made it up all by myself. In case you were starting to wonder just how much you love me ...

1 can pineapple
1 bar of 100% cacao
5 bananas
vanilla almond milk to fill up the blender

Blend the holy bageebiz out of it.

Fill up a glass most of the way. Sprinkle on some milled flaxseed. Then pour a little more vanilla almond milk around the edges of the flax, for a contrast num-diddly-num effect.

You heard it here first, folks.

We're all in this together!

I received this message on Facebook today and begged, cried and pleaded politely asked if I could reprint it here.

Be encouraged.

My son is 12 now, he came to me at age 10 through foster care, and he has RAD. And today I am tired and cranky and I found myself taking the bait when he was trying to make me angry. I know better, really, I do... but I found myself arguing with him about who used the computer last and we were both getting angry, and I took a deep breath and told him to put his coat on. He argued and cursed and said no and I said, "That's ok, I will see you when I get back" and left. And separation anxiety won, when I got to the corner I looked back and there he was. We walked for 20 minutes and I took deep breaths and told myself "let it go" over and over in my head and then we came home and talked about what happened, and agreed on what to do next, and went on with our day. And so I had to write you and thank you, because 6 months ago that probably would have escalated to physical violence and day or week long crazies- and instead I walked fast, took deep breaths, regulated MYSELF first, so I could help him- and we got through it.

From Sarah Milliman who blogs at The Many Stars That Guide Us