Whoooo boy

I should probably just shut my bedroom door and separate myself from ... the world today.

I'm not nice.

Not therapeutic.

Silly yes ... but with some serious sarcasm.

Oh my, how I do adore sarcasm. It makes me happy. Sarcasm and coffee - twice as nice.

I have joined a battle and then pulled myself out of it no less than 27 times today (maybe more like 702,021 - yes, that feels much more accurate).

This past month has been a perfect storm with the issues we juggle in our family. Lots of triggers. Lots of added stress that cannot be avoided. Plenty of regular stuff. Lots of new experiences. And Mom leaves again tomorrow for several days.

Not. long. enough.

Pretty sure everyone concurs.

Not yer momma's band hall

How does Christine do a refresher with her kids on counting music?

Take some rhythms written out on paper.

Two markers drumsticks per kid.

Speakers.

"Play That Funky Music" (Wild Cherry) on the iPod.

We went through four different patterns. Practiced, and then cranked the music. I would switch around from page to page ... mix it up.

Not fancy. Not perfect. Very loud. LOTS of moovin' to the groovin.

Holy crap, that was fun.

Next time ... Gaelic Storm, baby. Gotta' churn out some more tricky time signatures.

Magical Milk Pic-o-the-Week

"My husband and I adopted a little girl when she was 18 months old. She is 4 years old now and such a blessing. We made her a big sister on November 3 when I had our first biological child, born at home surrounded by nothing but love and calmness. [This is a picture ] of me breastfeeding H in an Ergo baby carrier at the zoo."

(photo submitted by Amy)


*you may submit your own magical milk pic by emailing it to christinemoers[at]hotmail[dot]com and including "magical milk pic" in the subject line*

"because I am involved in mankind"

I am naturally and easily selfish.

"stinginess resulting from a concern for your own welfare and a disregard of others" - WordNet

I believe it tends to result from fear.

"a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined" - Dictionary.com

I encourage myself to practice discipline.

"training expected to produce a specific character or pattern of behavior, especially training that produces moral or mental improvement." - The Free Dictionary

Then things inevitably become difficult.

"requiring great physical or mental effort to accomplish or comprehend or endure" - Word Net

Which results in fear and pain.

"a warning mechanism that helps to protect an organism by influencing it to withdraw from harmful stimuli" - Encyclopaedia Brittanica

It is at this point where we find ourselves reacting in a way that can then cycle us right back to selfishness.

Living in community does not allow you to ignore this process. Living in community forces you to make a decision at each pass. Living in community enriches your life through joy and celebration and intimacy and fear and difficulty and pain.

My community encompasses many, many people, but it starts within the walls of this repo double wide. It starts every time the sun comes up. If I cannot practice it, I cannot teach it by example. If my family cannot live it, we cannot share it.

Parts of this process become easier with practice, but IT is never easy.

I will forever wrestle with this ebb and flow of mankind, but I pray I never actually step out of the ring.




(title of post is a line from "No Man is an Island" by John Donne)

(photo by Billy Alexander, used with permission)

There is beauty in the dread

"Be sure you are ready to accept you and have confidence in your ability to look good with your dreadlock style. Not all people will accept the style and can/will judge you before they even know you, because of negative things they have heard about dreadlock wearers. Be willing to live with it and push forward. If you don’t think you are ready for some potential false judgment about this hairstyle, then it is not for you. You will know when you are ready and nothing will stop you when you get to that point." - Dawgelene Sangster


(photo by Sara Janssen)

“Everything has its beauty, but not everyone sees it” - Confucius



"It is easy to adopt the ways and culture of others,when we are afraid to live what is in our hearts." - The Beauty of Locks


(photo by Dia@RanchoChico)

"The concept of beauty is complicated, isn’t it? When we hear the word, we immediately jump to conclusions about what it means. There are stories in our heads of what beauty means. Maybe we associate it with youth and being thin. Maybe we associate it with what we see on television or pressures we’ve felt from friends and family. Maybe we associate it with what we used to be and not what we are now. Often, when it comes to beauty, our minds point to everyone but ourselves." - Darrah Parker



"I don't need plastic in my body to validate me as a woman." - Courtney Love


(photo by Dia@RanchoChico)

"The moment one gives close attention to anything, even a blade of grass, it becomes a mysterious, awesome, indescribably magnificent world in itself." - Henry Miller


(photo by Stephanie Kimbrough)

"Taking joy in living is a woman's best cosmetic." - Rosalind Russell


(photo by Sara Janssen)

The other shoe did, indeed, drop

Why, yes. We did have some regression and acting out after all that has gone on in our home over the last three weeks or so.

It was not pretty. It was very old school. Retro RAD, if you will.

The worst of it was contained to about an hour. I will say this, it has been a few months since the neighbors got a show. As soon as I saw "the face" and the shut down, I said, "Grab your shoes!" and I started doing a clapping cadence thing (I have no idea what it was exactly - old drum cadences they used to play in band when I was in high school - just trying to think on my feet and be silly). I marched along as my kid very slowly got their shoes on. Then I started to march outside.

I clapped and marched like a complete IDIOT. We went a ways up the street. Just a change of pace - a change of scenery. DANG if they haven't gotten smarter in their healing and weren't doing everything in their power to NOT let me be playful and disengaging. I had to pull out about a dozen little things from the Arsenal-o-Therapeutic-Parenting. I had 27 moments of just wanting to SCREAM!

I'm gonna' learn one of these days to charge admission and put it toward a vacation fund.

At one point, there was a classic rage, face down on the side of our road. Cars were slowing down. I said, "Um, darlin', you think you might want to cut the crap before that guy in the truck calls the sheriff?" He had pulled over and was gawking like there was no tomorrow. My kid was strong, stood up, and joined me back over by our porch. I had ample opportunity to practice some Daniel Hughes affective-reflective dialogue. I both succeeded and sucked eggs at this, but I tried.

An aside: "cut the crap" is not considered a part of affective-reflective dialogue. Ya' know, in case there was any confusion.

The other very regressive behaviors were at their highest for about 48 hours. It was a jump back to the days of walking on egg shells over every little interaction with our child. Not fun.

Yet, we survived. There have been plenty of other things throughout all of this, but as many of you do - that is chalked up to "normal life" with a child of trauma.

Next time, I'm super gluing all shoes to all feet so that neither can drop. Ever. Again.


(photo by Kuba Ostrowski, used with permission)

I don't "do" lunch

I have a philosophy: Lunch is meant to be easy.

You can quote me on that. If you're smart, you will emulate my genius.

I rarely "cook" anything at lunch. 99% of the time it is something that can easily be taken out and put away by my children.

(disclaimer: I know some of you have children who are too young to help AT ALL with anything like this - do not hate me. Just put it in your back pocket as a "WHOA! That's in my future! This is the time on Sprockets when we dance!")

We do LOTS of Build-a-Salad. I like to keep a lot of things in mason jars (or repurposed jars from other things) so the kids can just pour, shake or sprinkle. This requires fewer utensils. I will say, "Boys, get out things to build a salad today. Girls put it up."

* spinach leaves * diced tomato * diced red onion * salad peppers * other diced veggies * sunflower seeds * dried cranberries * almond slivers * corn kernels * black beans * walnut chunks * flaxseed * you-name-it

This week is a dip fest:

* cherry tomatoes * celery * baby carrots * strawberries * jicama slices * spinach leaves * broccoli * matchstick pieces of red, green, orange and/or yellow peppers * diced apples * grapes * you-name-it

We are mixing and matching these things on different days and then putting out "dips":

* peanut sauce * vinaigrette dressing (whatever we have in the fridge) * hummus (my kids love roasted garlic and roasted red pepper) * almond butter * apple sauce * vegetarian refried beans * guacamole * you-name-it

With all of this, you can easily make multiple combination for several days. Then, you can throw it all out with some tortilla chips the next day and do Build-a-Salad.

Note, also, that these are guilt-free meals. Yesterday I watched two of my kids grab pieces or raw broccoli (who have always turned their noses to it) because another kid dipped theirs in almond butter and was speaking of it orgasmically. I have discovered, over the years, that keeping the options healthy but providing interesting choices seems to make it easier for the leery to step outside of their box.



Nothing makes me swoon more than to hear my healing kids say, "Pass me the flaxseed, please!" Healing the whole child. Nice.

Magical Milk Pic-o-the-Week

Written December of 2010: "my daughter was born two weeks early. she had a tiny little mouth, I have enormous breasts, and it took us over 4 months to really get nursing down so that it was easy and more or less effortless. This picture is from the first time she managed to latch on without a nipple shield. it was such an exciting moment I had my husband document it! Now she's almost 8 months old, she's never had a drop of formula, and I am so glad I persevered. Thanks to a good baby carrier she has nursed everywhere; on the bus, while grocery shopping, in the lawyer's office, and even while I was working a trade booth for a friend, before taking a nap in the display crib. I feel lucky because I have been able to do this for her, and because I live in a place where no one has ever suggested I go somewhere else, or even that I should cover up."

(photo by Kimberly, a reader)

A letter to grandparents of children with RAD

Today is a guest post by an amazing woman. Her name is Brenda, and what makes her amazing is her willingness to understand, grow and change for the sake of her daughter and grandchildren. I met her while in Orlando and everyone was abuzz about the trauma mom whose MOTHER came with her. We were all immediately in love. Not everyone has that kind of support. Not everyone has extended family who are willing to at least try to "get it." I know what it's like to have parents who supported our therapeutic parenting, even when they were clueless as to what exactly it was. It is a gift that we all need. I asked her to write to the other grandparents out there, and create a post that can be shared.

Brenda, thank you.

****************************************************

Disclaimer: I have daughters and granddaughters. Lots of them. That’s why I use she/her/daughter/Mom/granddaughter, etc. I trust that anyone smart enough to get to the internet can transpose this into the male gender and not be offended.



My husband and I traveled to Ethiopia to assist with bringing home our two adopted granddaughters. I am not sure how it happened, but of all the orphans in Ethiopia, we got the two most beautiful. Really.

I am writing this letter because I wish someone had told me these things before I started “life in the RADish Patch.” That’s what my daughter calls living with children who have Reactive Attachment Disorder and PTSD as a result of the trauma they suffered before they were adopted.

I am not an authority on this subject. I am just a grandma (called Honey) who wants to be the best Honey she can be to all of her grandchildren. Here are a few things I have learned about grandparenting in the RADish Patch. Maybe it will be of help to you……

Do not follow T-Shirt psychology. You know those cute T’s that say, “If Mom says NO, ask Grandma!” This is the kiss of death if you want to be a good grandparent to your RADish. RADishes are experts at playing others against Mom. If they can get you to overrule Mom, they have added one more thing to their list of all the reasons Mom cannot be trusted. A RADish’s Mom must always be in charge….not Grandma.

Do not act on the advice of bumper stickers….you know, the ones that read, “Let me tell you about my grandchildren!” Just because your daughter gets up the courage to share her RAD adventures with you does not mean that you should divulge them to the Ladies Club, the Flower Club, at prayer meeting, or to your hairdresser. BE CAREFUL. Just because she tells you about the feces smearing incident does not mean that you can share that with Aunt Kate. If your daughter wants to tell cousin Susie about her child’s night terrors, that is her place, not yours. My motto: SAY LESS, PRAY MORE.

Extended family dinners are not just a holiday. They are critical opportunities for RADishes to learn. Food holds many, many triggers for these kids. Never forget, the MOM rules the table, not the grandparent. Let Mom take the lead on what goes on the child’s plate, whether or not they have to eat it, whether or not dessert is offered, and what table manners are used / excused. Even if you never let your daughter put her elbows on your white starched tablecloth, it is not your place to critique the eating habits of a RADish. Get over it – or you may be eating Thanksgiving dinner alone.

Number three (above) applies to eating out as well. AND to other public places. Often, RADishes get nervous in new places and situations. If their actions make you uncomfortable, you better get a tougher hide. If you come across as embarrassed or disapproving, they will surely use their behavior again and again. Follow Mom’s lead about how to deal with the tantrum or whatever is going on. Toughen up.

Do not assume that you know what is best for your grandRADish. Even though you raised half-dozen kids of your own. Every child is different and every RADish is different. Spend time talking with your daughter about your grandRADs to find out what kind of play is fun for them? What activities are threatening? What calms them down? Are they allowed to use scissors or knives? If Mom says “no sharp objects” you don’t have to know all the details. Shut up and follow Mom’s instructions.

This is a hard one, but very important – DON’T SAY STUPID THINGS! A few examples

- Every child threatens to run away.
- You need to discipline more…she would not behave that way if you did.
- She is much too old to act like that.
- You mean you hold a seven year old like a baby and give her a bottle? Are you crazy?
- It’s just nightmares. Don’t get so worked up.
- That is a ridiculous form of punishment for a child.
- Pets are good for kids. We got her a puppy. And a kitten.

When you realize that you have said a stupid thing, APOLOGIZE. We are all learning.
Don’t get your feelings hurt if Mom does not allow your grandRADish to spend the night with you. Trust me, Mom would love a break, but this little person’s life has to be kept simple and stable until she can handle the new experience. Mom knows best.

Most parents of RADishes find themselves in financial turmoil. Whether from therapy bills, medication bills, one parent staying home, or any of the million other things that happen to young families. Be sensitive to this. Last Christmas I gave my daughter the registration fee to a conference for Moms like her. Toys should be purchased that can do double duty as therapy tools (like doll houses for role playing).

Finally, educate yourself about children with RAD and PTSD. Read books by experts, but most important, read blogs like this one so you can begin to understand the challenges your daughter faces as the Mom of a RAD child.

I love my grandRADishes just like my other grandchildren. But, I have to deal with them differently. In doing so, I can be an important part of their lives.

The Mom of a RAD child pours her physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual energy into the heart and soul of their child every moment of every day and night. The child’s past trauma has rendered them incapable of giving any energy back – at least for now. Your daughter needs you more than ever to “fill up” her depleted energy stores.

SHARE THE HEARTACHE * BE AN ENCOURAGER * REJOICE IN THE PROGRESS * LOVE YOUR CHILD AND HER CHILD UNCONDITIONALLY * DO NOT JUDGE YOUR CHILD’S PARENTING OR HER CHILD’S BEHAVIOR

One day, your daughter will call you and say, “Mom, we had a breakthrough today! Your granddaughter hugged me and I think she meant it!” It will be a great moment – worth celebrating!

May God bless your experiences in the RADish patch,

Brenda


(photo by Laura McBride)

NOT a boring conference!

I honestly cannot tell you how excited I am to get to Chicago in two weeks.

OH MY COW! The Parenting in Space conference is just two weeks away!

Sometime last fall I received an email from Billy Kaplan, asking if I would speak at a parenting conference for his practice. I, of course, stalked his practice incessantly and learned everything I could about it, and him, to determine if he was legit or simply a slightly psychotic freak head said YES!

Come to find out, Billy Kaplan IS, in fact, a slightly psychotic freak head, but that is what makes him so enduring. He truly cares about children with a history of trauma and the amazing people who parent them. I find that he truly listens to parents. He has that amazing balance of supporting you through the grief and difficulties of therapeutic parenting, while lovingly kicking you in the tookus to keep you going.

Multiply that by all of the other amazing people at House Calls Counseling, and I am unbelievably excited to be surrounded by so much greatness and encouragement.

As with most conferences, people wait to register until the last minute. There is still room, so use it to your advantage. The conference, itself, can't get too large. You will get a LOT of time for Q&A with therapists and other parents.

My other favorite part about this conference is that it is for PARENTS! I love social workers and other professionals. I understand just how difficult and under-appreciated their jobs are. However, I also know what it's like to sit in on a conference and have professionals sitting next to me playing Sudoku just to get through the day to receive their CEU credit. I want to pull my hair out a wee bit when all of the Q&A time gets hogged with lots of logistical paperwork-esque questions ... when all the parents really want to know is, "What, exactly, would the appropriate response be when my child writes their name on the bathroom wall with their own poo?"

So, again ... my other favorite part about this conference is that it is for PARENTS!

You will be meeting other PARENTS!

You will be sitting next to other PARENTS!

You will be filling your speed dial and FaceBook Friends List with other PARENTS!

If money is keeping you from throwing this together in the next two weeks, check out my latest idea on overcoming the financial road block.

Two weeks! WHOOP!

Your LIFE is a mission trip

I have an idea. A brilliant idea and one that I believe will be well-received and supported by many people who surround you.

There are so many parents who desperately need something like an Orlando trip, where they connect with other parents of trauma. They desperately need a refresher like the Parenting in Space Conference that is just around the corner, in Chicago (notice the subtle plug ... perhaps because I'm gonna' BE there?!?). Yet, they can barely get their shirt on straight every morning. If they aren't spending their extra cash on therapy, it's because they have drained their savings on repairing/replacing what their child has torn up on a bad day. Or they gave up family vacations for some respite care ... or an RTC placement.

They need these things the most, but their time and resources keep them from actually going. Yet, BY going, they are changing themselves, thus changing their home, thus changing their children ... thus changing the very world we live in.

My husband and I have spent most of our lives involved in organized church ministry. We have have come together with other people in our churches over and over again, to send people out to do really great things to help others. A high school Junior is willing to to go Kansas and rebuild a burned down church, they just don't have the money to get there and back. So, we happily support them. A couple is absolutely willing to take their vacation time to travel to a foreign country and dig irrigation ditches or plant trees to help with flooding, yet they don't have the resources to actually get there and back. So, their friends and family all chip in so the couple can go and do the really tough work. We happily support them. We encourage them to ask for assistance.

Why on EARTH should you NOT write a letter to your friends and family and ask them all to give money to help you go to a conference occasionally? That's an easy answer. YOU SHOULD! You are willing to do the leg work - the hard work. You are willing to learn and grow and change so your child can learn and grow and change. You may be surrounded by people who are willing to help you do it WELL ... if only you would ask.

I'm going to leave you with a sample letter idea. Promise me you'll think about it.

Dear Wonderful Person in My Life,

First, I want to say thank you. Thank you for being the kind of friend I know I can turn to when I'm needing help and support. It's a gift, and I'm pretty sure I am at a place right now where I simply cannot put the time and energy into reciprocating.

I'm writing you to ask for help. I don't like doing this, but I realize now that it's not just about me. It's about my children and my family. We need your help.

As you know, our child(ren) ___________, has some very special needs. We have been able to uncover the issues they are dealing with, and for that we are thankful. There is hope and their is healing available to our child! We want that, and we know you do to.

However, for this to happen, the process also requires me (and/or my partner/spouse) to make significant changes. For our child to regain attachment we must create a very deliberate environment in our home and must parent in very specific ways to help replace those missing gaps. The research and experts who have worked with kids just like ours have shown the possibilities. Yet, it requires more from us, as parents, than we ever expected. It IS possible. It IS within our grasp, but it is exhausting. It requires consistency on every level, and because it is related to attachment, all of the hard work has to be done by us. We cannot just send them off to a therapist once a week. Everything about our home and the way we parent is therapy.

We are tired. It is hard. We want to continue and we want to be GOOD at this, but we need times of refreshment and enrichment. I would really like to attend an upcoming conference at (fill in info here). This time will not only give me a small break from my responsibilities at home, but it will help me fine-tune what I am already doing with my child. I simply cannot afford to go.

After subtracting what I can put toward the trip, I still need to raise $______. I have never asked for anything like this before. I feel awkward doing so, but it is certainly no different than asking for a life saving cancer treatment. What we are doing is literally saving the future of our child. It is changing the course of their life forever. It is helping to peel back the layers of their trauma to uncover who they were created to be.

To make any sort of donation, you can (fill in info here). But more than anything, I am just so very thankful to have you in my life. THAT is an encouragement to me.

Sincerely,

A giant puddle of mess

(photo by Kriss Szkurlatowski, used with permission)

Magical Milk Pic-o-the-Week

Normally, I would save this for October. However, I finally met Jamey last week. I love her very, very much - I'm not sure it's possible not to. The fact that she sent me a pic of her nursing a "skunk" is just the icing on the cake. So, Happy Halloween!

She is also a therapeutic mom, so click on her link below and send her some love and encouragement. Maybe a cheer or a cartwheel. Whatever you've got.


(photo by Jamey)

Re-entry can totally slurp

There is a double edged sword you must dodge when you parent children who have a history of trauma. Any child has a hard time when their parent must be away for any length of time. However, the amount of fear and stress in a hurting kid is astronomical.

Instead of running into your arms, calling your name and weeping uncontrollably ... they ... well, they don't so much do that (understatement of the century!).

Being gone for six full days, and returning to immediately send off some of our dearest friends who have been our neighbors for about three months, has shown me exactly what has been accomplished in the hearts of my kids. Two years ago, I would not have made the trip. Even if I had the money, and even if Orlando existed, I would not have gone. It would have been one of those times I had to make a sacrifice of something I love and adore to avoid the unbelievable backlash after my return (and after a really painful departure of loved ones). It would have been too much, too close together. A perfect storm, if you will.

Currently, there is a rumble across the United States, as almost 70 women returned home to payback. It is on different levels, but I am already hearing stories of broken glass, holes in walls, refusal to eat, pee in the corners, poo in the shoes, "I hate you's," a little more pee, LOTS of creative cussing (shout out to our now Irish mom friend, O'F***er!), and they all seem to have forgotten SOMETHING (one of my children "forgot" that we only put clean knives in the silveware drawer - not knives caked in hummus - I HATE it when that happens!). If you listen closely, you can probably hear it. It's all around you. It is pain and fear being covered up by anger and very-not-delightful behaviors.

Yet through all of the expected re-entry stories, I am hearing hope. So much hope.

I have received payback. Absolutely. But in my scheme of things, and considering our history, this was NOTHING. Granted, the other shoe can still drop. Next week could crater. Yet, even if it does, it will not be "2009." It won't even hint of "2008."

No one is going to speak in pee.

The pee has finally left the building.

I don't know if I should dance or cry. For Pete's sake, I wrote the Pee Song! I AM THE PEE LADY! For one of my kids, that was their favorite language when they were dysregulated. But despite what I AM seeing, and as frustrating as it can be ... I am stepping back and looking at the big picture. There was no pee. I can dare to say there will be no pee.

Other moms are forcing themselves to do that as well. The Queen of her castle, over at Five Frozen Chamorros wrote, "Sometimes it is hard to see just how far our kids have come when there are still so many limitations that exist in their day-to-day lives ..."

Rancho Chico shared her story with many of us this weekend. Some of you heard the details of what life was like with their child, Corazon, when she first entered their home. Yet, upon returning home, despite anything else that did happen or any behaviors that are to come, she shared this: "She came over to hug me and started crying. When I asked her why she was crying she said she was 'so happy to see me' and insisted those were 'happy tears.' I don't think I have ever seen her cry 'happy tears.' Ever."

Despite what is still to come in my home ... despite the behaviors I will see this first week back ... I cannot deny what DID happen.

Attachment disorder did not take over my daughter. The day her best friend was leaving, which was the day after I returned, she dressed the truth. She looked SO BEAUTIFUL. On her most painful day, she fought the lie. I have to honor that this was WORK for her. I'm guessing it was really, really hard, but she did it. SHE was in charge, not the hurt part of her.

PTSD did not win out. While my son struggled so deeply, and it has been obvious that his disorder has been HUGE within him for a solid week, he has done the work internally. He has not acted out his pain and fear on anyone. He has not covered it with anger and insisted that others feel it, too. HE took charge within himself, and did not hand his decision making over to PTSD, despite having huge feelings.

And you know what? If tomorrow one of them runs away and the other threatens to kill me, or I'm dodging flying objects ... NOTHING CAN TAKE AWAY THE PROGRESS WE JUST SAW. It is there. It is real. It is HUGE. It is to be honored and celebrated. To be strong for this many days when three years ago they couldn't be strong for an HOUR?

Look at the big picture. Despite what you are seeing, what are you not seeing ... because there has been healing? Find it. Even if it's one thing - it exists! Don't let it slip past you. It is hope. It is real. It is happening.

Don't allow the hurt and behaviors that are still there steal that from you!

Welcome home, ladies. Let's do this thing.


(photo by mike gieson, used with permission)

No, for real - you are not alone!

Are you parenting children from the hard places? Do you feel like the only person around you who sniffs every drop of liquid in your home to make sure it's not urine? Is your nightstand covered with books that include words like "trauma," "attachment," and "special needs" in the titles? Do you dream of running away on vacation, but struggle with justifying the payback upon your return?

Well, guess what?

And I'm not kidding you.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Look what I made, and you can add yourself by emailing me (click here and read instructions on the left side of the map):


View Parents of Trauma in a larger map

Now get busy!

You are not alone!

Last year there were nine.





This year there were 68.



That doesn't scratch the surface. There is no way to even calculate all of the emails many of us have received over the last many months - women who so desperately wanted to go to Orlando. Women who parent trauma. Women who feel completely and totally alone.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Women who parent children from the hard places. Traumatized children. Children with a rough start. Whatever you call it, it's insanely hard.

I am kicking some online butt, and really pushing this group to become a core across the US. I am forcing nudging them to start meet-ups in their area. I am daring them to consider planning a small weekend locally. I'm going to lead the way by doing a Texas weekend. I don't know the dates or the exact location, even. I'm sure you'll know once I actually tell my husband I just announced that I'm doing a Texas weekend (Dear Michael, you love me. Please don't forget. Sincerely, Christine).

But back to the other thing:

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

More than anything, what I hope these women took away from this weekend was that we think our only resources are the blogs we read. Yet, look at that picture above one more time. You have never heard of half those women. Half those women don't blog. A bunch of them aren't even on Facebook. If they do blog, they don't blog often. Yet, I want to spend hours at their feet. They. are. rock. stars. They are women who were told to give up on their kids by therapists, only to do their own research and understand they were dealing with trauma and attachment issues. They are women who have raised many of their hurting kids to adulthood and did it without the blogs and the books and certainly not even a HINT of something like Orlando.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Connect with me on Facebook, and let me know where you are. I will try to help you find some people within an afternoon's drive. For everyone who went to Orlando, I challenge you: how are you going to bring Orlando to your area? Think about it. Plan it, and DO IT. I truly believe this is the beginning of a movement. We are going to educate the world on our children. We are going to be known and heard. We are going to find support, even if we have to create it ourselves!

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!


(photo shamelessly stolen from Laura McBride - she knows where to find me when she's ready to sue)

Magical Milk Pic-o-the-Week

"Reading about dismal African American breastfeeding rates made me wonder how these traditions and choices were passed down from mother to mother. I stumbled across an image of a slave wet nurse from early America. She is pictured nursing a white child. In my imaginings I could see a woman experiencing this might build a resentment and reject the act of nursing altogether, in order to reject her captors once she was free. I imagined those attitudes being passed down from generation to generation."

(photo by Rachel Valley)

Kathy's make the world better

I'm in Orlando.

You'll be lucky if you hear from me again.

However, I wanted to tell you about this giant box we received for the weekend. It came from an amazing woman named Kathy.

She does not have a kid with a history of RAD or trauma. She just really, really wanted to encourage the mothers who do.

It was full of Girl Scout cookies and HOMEMADE fudge and HOMEMADE shortbread. And I seriously want to kiss Kathy on the mouth. But instead, I'll just eat in her honor until I throw up.

Kathy, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You are a blessing.

Damn that Daniel Hughes!

My sincere apologies to Mr. Hughes, as I mean it with the utmost respect.

You see, he kicks my butt.

I am finally working my way through his most recent book, "Attachment-Focused Parenting." And, as I said ... it is kicking my BUUUUUTT.

In a good way.

What I really, really love about this work is that it's not a book specifically for parenting traumatized children. It's a book for all parents, but written by a man who has treated some deeply hurting kids. His insights apply to all children in all homes. He challenges the default parenting methods that we use most often, because that's the way we were raised, and the way our parents were raised and so on, and so on.

He challenges you to see it in another way. To improve your parenting, and ultimately improve yourself.

It is really hard to change your defaults. It is especially difficult when your parenting default is a cultural norm that has repeated itself for generations. IT IS HARD TO DO! I know plenty of you read my blog and think, "Whew! I'm glad I don't have to think so much about how I approach my kids. So glad I'm not parenting trauma!"

Check this out:

"With lectures we are actually educating our child to comply with authority rather than to develop his own meaning about an issue or event."

"For a parent to facilitate these reciprocal conversations, she needs to feel safe herself. If she does not feel safe when her child questions her authority, she is likely to become angry and insist on compliance."

And like my Uncle Hubert used to say (I just made that up), "You cain't make nobody do nuthin' they don't wanna' do."

And then I read ...

"Focusing on compliance and objective knowledge, we conclude that our child agrees with us when, in fact, our child is often simply either using the quickest means of ending the lecture or is truly complying with our thoughts and intentions at the price of failing to develop his own."

The last chapter focuses specifically on children from histories of trauma, but the entire book applies. The parents with neurotypical children can use every single inch of this thing.

Hang with it. Chapter 4 will piss you off. Read it anyway. Chapter 5 will start to get you back in the game.

I guess you might say I highly recommend it.

For the record, my other most recommended resource is this little gem.

Magical Milk Pic-o-the-Week

(photo by Daria Chernova, used with permission)

You may submit your own Magical Milk Pic by emailing it to christinemoers [at] hotmail [dot] com