Thursday, February 16, 2012

I hate it when I'm right

I was recently asked, "When your child [with a history of trauma] finally settles and is able to reconnect and ready to move on ... how do you let them? How do you just ... ya' know ... just ..."

"Stop being mad??"

"YES! Do you just fake it til you make it? What do you do?"

My response?

"I'll let you know in a few days, cause I'm still pretty livid with one of my kids."

I joke, but I'm SO not joking.

We have experienced a new phenomenon in our home in the last few weeks. After a child has been speaking their pain through behaviors, and they finally reach regulation, and life has continued on ... they are doing the craziest thing. I have actually heard, several times, "Mom, I'm very sorry about what I did earlier. Is there something I can do to put love back into you, since I hurt you?"


I should be dancing, right? I should be making banners and sending out cards to friends and family, right? I should be SO EXCITED, RIGHT?!?

Yet, I'm human. Ya' know what I've been feeling instead? Right in that moment?


Right smack in that second I am so ticked off at anything I have ever taught my kids. I have said things like, "It's okay to have big feelings, but it's not okay to hurt people with those feelings." And then I've taught them ways to still have the feelings, but not take them out on others or try to get others to join in their misery in an unhealthy way.

My words echo in my head.

I give myself the finger.

I want my kids to do it, but I DON'T WANT TO DO IT!


So, I'm writing it out to honor this amazing strength we are seeing in each of our children. It's a big deal. It's a giant deal. Truly amazing and brave and oozes with health and healing.

I'm also writing it out to admit I can still be a big pouty baby in the middle of it. I don't want to do the right thing. I don't want to lead by example.

No me want to!

My friend, Billy, would say, "Then ... don't!"

We all know how that would play out. He really sucks that way, in all his crappy wisdom.

So, I'm going to listen to my own stupid advice. I'm going to use the tools I know work. I'm going to lead by example.



Owlhaven said...

Wish I didn't 'get' this.

Mary, momma to many

Unknown said...

So get it. So glad I'm not the only one. So glad we trauma mamas can keep each other accountable - even as we keep each other real.

I'm still mad at The Princess.


I still need to show her what I tell her.

Double Frick.

Diana said...

Wish I didn't get it either, but I so do. And I hate it. I don't want to do it. I'm exhausted and burned out and I'm still mad! It takes so monumentally much more effort to do this than it used to, too.

Unfortunately, my kids haven't made oodles of progress. The truth is they are so far from even being stable, let alone even close to the same level of healing they were at this time last year...ya know, when the big thing happened...and now the big thing is free...and my family had been shattered...and they've all "forgiven" (ie miscued their anger and big feelings at me) and embraced the thing and I'm the bad guy because I can't and won't...because (among many other reasons) just mention of anything related to the thing, including the name of the thing sends my darlings on destructive, violent rampage for days.

So, my wise friend who doesn't want to do this anymore that I do, what do you do when you know the right answers, somewhere deep down you know your kids really are trying and really do want to get better, and you really do want to help them, but trauma still abounds and in many was is worse than ever and they've spiraled backwards instead of forward, and it's now the caregiver who's given out?

Christina D. said...

Yes. This. Thank you for this. I hear you.

Hannah_Rae said...


Are those big girl panties chafing or what?

I'm so stinkin' proud of you.

And yet my heart is hurting for the fact that I will never hear J. utter those words of healing.

I still need to debrief with you on that.

Love you.


Brendan and Mary said...

Honestly so many people don't get it and I ave really regretted sharing these exact feelings. So good to connect with other trauma mamas. I appreciate your honesty.

Tova said...

Thank you. Especially today.

Chris said...

Yeah, I hate when they are more "mature" than I am.
I want a turn to be mad too!

Sha Zam- said...

I find it rather personal that you wrote an entire post on our 'issues' around tonights dinner. Just because you have ESP and can tell how jack donkey PO'd I was doesn't mean you have to publish it to all the internets. jeez

Babsness said...

I love this post very much...well that's an original start to a comment I leave on this blog...

I resemble these remarks
I coach clients to these very same ends
And I wind up in the same places...ugh sometimes it makes me mad when my kids get it and I can't even practice what I teach...but THEN I realize there is hope for a new generation!
OF COURSE my kids are better at this than I's what they've been TAUGHT
Of COURSE I still screw this up...I have years of training to erase.
My grandkids are gonna be so freakin awesome!