Monday, February 06, 2012
I'll feel sexy when ...
I love February (Sexuary). It is mind blowing. Believe it or not, I'm not just referring to what is going on at my house.
I cannot begin to explain the amount of emails and FaceBook messages I get from people. I understand why it happens. I'm talking about sex, and most people are not talking about sex (at least not the details or the real questions!). People know I'm safe. They know that nothing ... nothing ... NOTHING will surprise me or freak me out. They also know I will answer honestly.
So, in this, I have heard some heartbreak as well as victory. What tends to be the residing theme in the heartbreak, however, goes a little something like this:
"I want to do this, but I'm just not going to feel sexy until I lose some of this weight/get a boob lift/hire a professional makeup artist/whatever."
Holy crap, we are so critical of ourselves. I get it. I have spent the last many years loving my body, right where it's at. I have focused on this. I have made it a "thing." So, I assumed I was ... ya' know ... THERE.
This week a good friend put out a challenge to take a pic of your booty-butt. As it is. Cause none of us do this. We never look at our butts. Most of us hate our butts. It's back there all jiggling and dimpling up without us knowing. We have no control over what it's up to! I mean, first thing you know ... you're at the pool with your kids just talking with friends. Next thing you know, someone splashes you, you get startled, every muscle in your body clenches, and you turn around to see seven adults behind you. Just sitting there. With a clear shot of your badonkadonk. All you can think is, "What did it just do? WHAT THE HELLACIOUS DIMPLES DID IT JUST DO????"
I decided to join the challenge. I spent an entire morning snapping shots (note to self: become a contortionist). I ended up with one I like. I TOOK 36!!
Thirty-five shots of terrible lighting. Thirty-five shots of the worst angles imaginable. Thirty-five shots of, "Oh my head, I didn't even know I had moles and random hairs growing there. How has no one told me this?!?" I got one shot I like ... sorta' okay. The rest left me feeling blecgh about my body. Me. The woman who has worked so hard to love and accept her body just. like. it. is.
That's when it hit me. The whole time I'm standing in front of mirrors and holding the phone up til I almost throw my back out ... every single weird angle that made me look like my butt cheeks are wider than the state of Texas ... every single one of those 35 shots are exact angles my husband sees all. the. time.
They are the exact angles that tons of people see at the river all. the. time.
They are the exact angles exposed during sex all. the. time.
I sat with that. Soaked it in.
I was seeing myself in a way that I never do and I was mortified. Yet, it was a way that other people ALWAYS see me. My butt is always back there. It always looks like that.
And yet, I have a man who wants to be with that butt. He loves that butt.
I heard from a woman last week who has awesome curves. She is one of the most sexual people I know (I did not know this until last week - thank you, Sexuary!). She loves her body. Her husband loves her body. She celebrates it. She feels sexy because she is sexy. And let me tell you, they are rockin' each other's worlds in ways that made me feel like a youngin' who has no business writing about this stuff! I bow to them!
She doesn't walk around trying to believe she is sexy.
She is sexy.
I am sexy.
You are sexy.
There's nothing to change. You already are.
Maybe you don't believe it. I have made body acceptance a "thing" for me and I still find myself struggling with it when I least expect it.
Your first response to that? "Well, of course you can feel that way - you're skinny!"
Do you really think losing weight will automatically make you believe the sexy that you are? Because it won't. Remember, I once weighed 200 lbs. I lost that weight. It was no magic pill. When I lost it, then my boobs sagged. Then I believed I looked like a 7th grade boy. Then I felt like I had no femininity left.
Yeah. It's not that easy. If you don't believe the truth right where you are, you will not believe it after any physical change. Ten years ago I was researching boob jobs. I believed THAT would make me look more like a woman. Look more feminine. As I researched, I discovered that I was all the extreme "before" pics they would choose to put on their web sites!
Thankfully ... so very thankfully, we did not have the money at the time. I had a choice. I could continue to believe the lie, or I could accept the truth. I could wear the truth. I could live the truth.
The truth is: you are sexy.
Do you walk that truth? When you enter the bedroom or get in and out of the shower, do you smile at yourself in the mirror? Do you make eye contact with your partner in a way that says, "You are so stinkin' lucky to get a piece of this!"?
Do you dress that truth? That doesn't mean you have to look like you just stepped out of a Victoria Secret catalog. I went to a VS in the fall. I tried on lingerie for two hours. I came out with two negligees. Their things are made mainly for women who have larger breasts. I do not. But I did find two things that worked. And they worked well for me. They helped me wear what was true. Are you still wearing your ratty underwear you've had for ten years? Then, you're not living the truth. Who says a support bra isn't sexy? Are you kidding me? Put it on and hold your shoulders back and pout those stinkin' lips in the mirror. BOOM! Truth!
Do you hear the truth? Ask your partner what they love most about you, sexually. Ask them what they love most about your body, when you're naked or scantily clad. Hear them, and believe them. Because it's true.
Changing your body will not change how you feel about your body.
Okay, you're not listening to me. I'm gonna' say it again. Then I'm going to walk away. I apologize for yelling. Wait. No I don't. Truth is meant to be yelled.
Changing your body will not change how you feel about your body!
You are already sexy!