Thursday, February 09, 2012

Sexuary 2012 - Crossing Borders

Why yes, you have found it. The infamous butt sex post. Welcome!

Some of you have been following along on Twitter and know where I'm going with this post today. Some of you need to take a deep breath and realize that I've always handled taboo and hot topics with grace and dignity.

Yeah, that's a lie. I handle them with humor! But today I plan to use a little bit of all of that.

You see, there seems to be this mighty gap out there in talking about sex. People either don't talk about it at all or the people who do talk about it appear to be into all sorts of freaky stuff that makes your head spin! In churches, there are Bible studies and sermons on the topic, but it sounds much more like an NPR show than a How-To. In play dates at the park, some mothers of toddlers broach the subject only to receive looks of disdain that imply, "What are you? Some kind of sex fiend?" No one is exactly sure if they are "normal." No one really knows what "normal" is.

Not to mention: When you start to parent special needs, sex can be the first thing to go and you are immediately at a very high risk, statistically, for divorce. It's a cold, hard fact. Personally, I think marriage and staying intimate should be discussed as regularly as what to do when your kid breaks a guitar over the dog's head.

So, every year for four years I have dared to talk about it - sex. We broached the topic of toys as well as a very touchy subject last year, and I wanted to do the same this year. At this point, some of you are thinking, "Oh my Lordy be! I just may faint!" BREATHE! Stay with me. You can do this.

The topic is our butts. Our hiney's. Our backsides. And what part (if any) they play in the bedroom. Okay, whoa. I just lost a couple of you. Take a minute. Don't just run off. We'll wait ...

I'll start with my own story. I don't live under a rock. I know that plenty of people play around and actually have sex ... back there. I have read some blog posts over the years from women who practice this terrifying intriguing activity. What I seemed to read over and over again was, "This is something my husband loves, so I do it for him. We take it slow so it doesn't hurt so bad. So, I just do it on special occasions."

Um ... doesn't hurt so bad? And I'm supposed to want to do this? EVER? As I shared these things with my husband, his response was, "Yeah, I don't want to do something that you will describe as, "it doesn't hurt so bad."

So, we benched that idea years ago. Fast forward to 2011.

In talking with a friend one day, the subject came up. My friend started to discuss their own experience with backyard fun. That's when something stopped me in my tracks. Their face. Their face was the face I make when talking about the perfect cup of coffee. Their eyes twinkled like mine do when describing myself at my very sexiest. Their voice was slow and deliberate and ... all I could think was, "HOLD. THE. PHONE. This is supposed to be something you just do to be nice. You take one for the team. And it hurts. It can hurt so bad that you say things like, 'so it doesn't hurt so bad!' What is with all this pleasure and excitement and what can only be described as utter bliss!?!"

Thankfully, I have some friends in my life that allow me to ask detailed questions and they give me detailed answers. I discovered there is an entire repertoire of options if you're wanting to hang out on your back porch. I had this all-or-nothing mentality, so the poor idea got benched and was never going to make its way into our lives.

Still with me? You're doing really well. It's not going to get any freakier. Promise. We're going to answer some questions, but we'll keep it easy and fun!

After realizing there can be some massive pleasure and finally uncovering a few more friends who find pleasure in it, I began to wonder if it was more widespread than I thought. I'd be walking through the grocery store and look at the person next to me picking up the peanut butter and wonder, "Do THEY do it? And do they LIKE it?"

My curiosity got the best of me. I decided to not only address this topic, but put it out to my friends on Twitter (which then drizzled over onto FaceBook). I simply asked, "Anal sex/anal play: friend or foe?" Responses came from all over. People I've never met. People I've known since childhood. Friends I see regularly. Pastors. Teachers. Christians. Atheists. Gay. Straight. Stay-at-home Moms. You name it! None of them are even on the same planet as appearing as weird and freaky as I do. These are your average adults, just walking around living life, serving on the School Board, selling you collectibles, or fixing your car.

Almost everyone had at least tried it. I was a little blown away at how many people considered it a "friend" after all the years of negative remarks I've read:

FRIEND, as long as it is done playfully, gently and (at times) with the right lubrication. There are lots of small toys and fun things to spice it up. We were married six years before we every dared to try ... #nogoingbacknow

In my experience, anal play/sex is very, very much a friend! Me likey! :)

YES! We had always used fingers, but there was a night a few years ago I got brave and ended up trying it. I honestly love it. My climaxes are better and more, plus there is tremendous thrill mentally for me.

FRIEND. Definitely. :)

We have done basic finger play and have now moved to some toys. My husband and I both enjoy it [finger play and the whole enchilada].

Play only - but very friendly.

It’s something we’ve conquered and love, but know it’s still ‘taboo’ or someone had a bad experience one time or whatever. It’s sad that they’d give up a whole new world (both men and women). Of course with the men it’s the whole homophobe thing. But if they’d ever had an orgasm while their prostate was being massaged they’d swear they’d never of felt anything like that in their life and the rest was just the warm up to that.

Friend. [Backyard] play is FUN!

Friend. Very, very new friend. Embarrassed friend. Wouldn't tell anyone else, friend ... I like it!

Friend! I am absolutely driven wild by a (well lubed) toy or finger. My husband isn't crazy about being the giver of that toy or finger especially, but he DOES enjoy my reaction and so he obliges!

This is a friend that we visit on occasion because it just seems like the right thing at the moment.

We're pro - only recently on the actual deed (a few times, still rookies, trying to be careful so as not to cause damage, etc -- this was at her prompting and not my pushing (for the record), but for a several years on other less invasive activity ... just in case you need a real live (nameless) pastor on the pro side for your statistical reporting.

I was still in my teens when I started experimenting with that, so it's not taboo to me anymore. As I get older it's less frequent (1x a month at least) - definitely can add a lot of excitement, stimulation, adventure ... you get the idea.

Friend. Although my husband doesn't like to do it to me as much as I'd like. He does let me do whatever I want to him. :) Usually fingers, but sometimes a small slender vibrator.

There were people who admitted they just assumed they wouldn't like it, as I had done. Some people had been taught it was wrong:

Well start to play around with it and back off cause it makes me nervous. Like I might want to try but my brain says... Uh, no.

So interested in this thread. Haven't ever considered it. My hubby would be over the moon.

I would say "foe" on assumption. My sweet husband and I had a talk about this years ago and decided this area would be off-limits.

In our pre-marital counseling the pastor told us that he and his wife believe anal sex to be wrong because it's the way homosexuals are intimate. (?) He also told us that that was their stance and we should feel free to study/think/pray and decide our own. He did not say experiment!

There was some comedy:

:-) We save that for special occasions. VERY special occasions.

Unlike me, [my wife] has an exit only policy. But I say when God opens a door ... (from another pastor)

It's a frenemy.

Play feels good, physically but makes my brain go "POOOOOP!

Just didn't like it. Felt like I had to sh** the whole time? Is that normal?

Not everyone is a fan:

Foe based on experience. Only with my husband, but just didn't like it.

Anal sex just doesn't work for us, because [my husband]'s too well-endowed. But with previous less penile-privileged partners, anal sex has been good, physically.

During [certain sexual activity], mild play can be pleasure increasers. Anything else is not so much.

I did a lot of follow up questions. Some people obliged and we made some discoveries that seem to be a gap for a lot of people:

"I've done it a couple of times...not a fan. It hurts everytime." When I followed up with whether or not she had tried just some simple finger play, she responded: "I can handle just a finger, which is pretty pleasurable. I just have been turned off by the pain of a whole [sha-bang]." Then we discovered they've only tried it with KY Jelly. I suggest giving a test run with something more substantial. This is an area where coconut oil just doesn't cut it for some people. Of course, all natural lube ideas for this sort of play are always welcome in the comments.

"the number 1 thing people need to know is lubrication makes all the difference between heaven and hell :o)"

"Friend - both the she & I LOVE it. Take it easy at first and allow all the sensations to send you over the top."

These are the kinds of discussions I went years without. I want to thank everyone for joining in the conversation. I'm sorry I could not use comments from everyone. There were just so many!

So, let's recap all we've learned around this roundtable of sorts.

We cannot underestimate the value of lube, lube and then more lube. Water-based lube. You can't have enough lube. Do I really need to say it again? If you think you are using enough, you should probably go ahead and add in some more. For most people, it has to be really good lube that is made specifically for anal play. When things are smooth sailing, you get to enjoy the good sensations without the "so it doesn't hurt so bad!"

The only thing more important than lube is communication. Talk. Say what you like. Say what you don't care for. Talk before you start. Talk during. Talk after. If this makes you nervous, just try it. Just open your mouth and say the words. It won't hurt, and it may actually help ... a lot!

If you are only hanging out in the backyard, you may not experience as much pleasure. Something else should be going on up front. The front yard loves to have company at the same time the back yard has stuff going on. Spread out the party! That's when things get hoppin'! This goes for guys and girls.

One gal wrote, "Also messed with my brain, though, because it's not so good (for me) all by itself and needs toys to go with it, which then makes me think 'EWWWWW, you're a perv with stuff in both holes and vibrating and you're a sexually-greedy lady!'"

Oh my Lordy be, NO! NOT a perv. You're brilliant! People have this misconception that there are people just having the backyard party and loving every single second of it. Just by itself. Um ... no. That's not the norm. You can't lose if you are bringing yourself more pleasure (and think of all your options up front: fingers, vibrators, mouths - oh my!) Play. Explore. Find out.

There is something that we haven't quite discussed, yet. Some of you find the backyard dirty. Maybe even gross. I had those same thoughts. I get it. I mean, your backyard has always had a purpose, but maybe you've just never seen it as a party place! That's cool. Who says that has to stop you? There are some other options that might still be fun. Why not just knock on that back door? A little bit. No one has to answer and say, "Come on in." Just give it a try. Maybe a few times. Play around. That's the point. Play. Explore. Find out.

There are products that can create a barrier between you and anything you might find less than celebratory. Whether you are keeping the shindig small (be a polite guest and trim/file those nails), or going for the gusto, you have options.

And finally, start slow. "Go big or go home," has no place in a backyard BBQ. Nuh-uh. You start slow. Maybe a small, intimate affair. Just invite a finger (Again - what's going on in that front yard? Are you spreading out the party?). If you find that your partner is larger than anything that has found its way exiting this area, it may very well be that you will have issues. That's fine! Fingers and vibrators can be just as fun. Try it. Play. Explore. Find out.

Hey. You made it. You're still here! Hot dog (no pun intended)! If you leave with nothing else, I hope this post has given you this: it's fine to try something new and it's fine if you don't like it. It's fine if you like to "go big," and it's fine if you just enjoy some gentle pressure.

Now, look around. If your neighbor is still passed out cold in the floor, give them a little kick. In the butt.


Last Mom said...

I love you. I'm still a "no, thank you" on that, but I love you!

Megling said...

holy moly, it's like you know what I need you to be talking about!
After 5 years we finally decided one random Tuesday to try it. I always passed on it because...I don't know. I heard horror stories? I had hangups? Who knows. But I was limiting myself.
He was into it but never pushy and so we just went for it (with lots of lube)
And lo and behold? LOVED IT. LOVED IT. Incredible. Wow.
Our Sexuary experiment has been about being adventurous and being more vulnerable with one another and let me tell you, anal sex ticked both of those boxes. :)

Jess said...

Hubs always liked it and I obliged but I gotta say I am not a fan. I always found that after going the whole shebang I often had bowel issues (having to run for the loo, really bad wind) and, one one memorable occasion, hemorrhoids. I find it best with lots of lube and a condom. When we were first married I found it hard to say "no" to anything and felt guilty if I wasn't up for something. It is only recently that I have started working hard at being honest in the bedroom. At the moment there is a fair bit of crazy stuff going on and I am feeling emotionally fragile and vulnerable. I am having to say no to receiving at the moment but I am happy to give.I have to work hard not to feel guilt about not being up for everything and anything. Thankfully, I have an amazing husband

Quacken said...

Even my husband enjoys anal play! It's occasional, but he says it's the most intense orgasm ever. So why not!?

I think it's about just letting go and living in the moment and finding whatever feels nice for your body.

There are many people who thing it's taboo so they don't talk about it... but I commend you for being an open book as always!

Babetta Popoff said...

I have THE SAME "Hippies Use the Back door" sign on my porch

I will NEVER look at it the same way again...but the grin on my face will be worth it :)

Sarah said...

LOL!! I love you! Seriously. Spread out the party, indeed. :)

Christina D. said...

New to your neighborhood today and was looking for the perfect post upon which to comment - BINGO! Your analogy of the "backyard party" and how you can invite friends to also hang out in front had me laughing way out loud - so awesome. What a wonderful way to have a lighthearted conversation about a touchy (har har) topic. Bravo!

Full disclosure: I've been a backyard partyer for years; yes, it's all about lube. And a nice big bong hit sure doesn't hurt either.

I like what I see here - you've got good stuff to say and you're honest about who you are. Blessings to you for being authentic and out and loud - love me a strong, ballsy woman. :)

Christine said...

Christina, I think we would be fast friends. Find me on FaceBook! :)

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