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Sir, I See That You're Waving a Gun - Are you Angry?
Ahhhhh ... foster care training. Another class last night. This was actually the Part 1 of last month's class (see the whole "Do you like it on top or on bottom" post). We missed it last month because we were running our son to the ER with what the dr. said would turn out to be either a serious medical condition .... or constipation. I'll give you three guesses what it was.
So, we're at the verbal portion of the training. This is when they teach you how to verbally "join and follow to lead" a person who is expressing anger and may become a danger to themselves or others (ooooo, I sound like I know what I'm talking about). I'm going to give you a little crash course. Funny - it sounds so cheesy, but it really does work. It can also be used to annoy your spouse! (I LOVE that kind of stuff)
Here's how it plays out. Let's say you see someone fuming and pacing. First, you use your words to "join" them and acknowledge their action.
"Frank, I see that you are pacing back and forth and your face looks red" (state what you see, then ask) "Are you angry?" Stop rolling your eyes. Just go with me, okay?
Of course, they'll reply that they ARE angry, and hopefully in a really colorful way.
"I can see that you're angry. What are you angry about?"
BIG IMPORTANT PART HERE: you never, ever ask "why?" .... ever ... never! Same reason it's a bad question to ask your kids. Stick with the Who, What, Where, When and How types of interrogation.
They then tell you why they're angry. You can continue to break down their anger to find the specific trigger. For instance, if they say, "I hate traffic!" You would follow with things like, "What is it that you hate about traffic?" Before you ask another question, it's always good (albeit CHEEESY!) to restate the answer they just gave you. "So, you hate rush hour traffic. What, specifically, bothers you during rush hour?"
Told you it would sound cheesy ... trust me ... it's gold!
Once you have narrowed it down, you go to the magic question:
"What do you want?" They give you some idea of change they'd like to take place.
"What have you done in the past to get what you want?"
"How has that worked for you?" (Smells like Dr. Phil, I know!)
"What are some other things you might try?"
"Which of those things are you willing to do?"
BOOM! You've joined them in their anger, you've followed their concerns through the conversation and you are leading them to a resolution. Join and follow to lead. Ba-bing-bang-boom!
Now, try it. It works GREAT on your kids when they're freaking out over something. They'll look at you strange, but as long as you ask those open ended questions (NEVER yes/no questions) and you don't ask "Why?" ... I'm telling you, it really is pretty cool. I tried it on my son one day, and when we were done he actually thanked me!
Okay class - report back in one week.
(photo by Dani Simmonds, used with permission and with much thanks)
7 comments:
My 19 year old always tells me "You sound like a psychologist" when I talk like that. Yet...it works. I do admit to skipping ahead and leading her to the punch line after two or three questions. Then again, their are times I want to record our sessions knowing full well the conversation will come up again and I can just hit "play" rather than talk-lest I react!
Thanks Christine - great thing for me to put into action as I never really saw or read anything like this. So thanks for the repost. On a side note I have watched a few of your videos on youtube and love the info but your presentation take the cake. In fact as I was reading this post I could hear you talking. I have also recommended it to someone else whose child was not being very nice (for want of a better way to say it) and she was feeling really down and after your videos she was splitting her sides in laughter at the same time as learning.
Thanks so much
Joyce
Good stuff! It does work!
I need to try this immediately!!
Holy crapola! So glad you "brought this to the top!" I am so using this! We've been working on arguing the "right" way, but C is still too angry to argue sometimes and has a hard time with the words "I feel" when he's really upset. I end up feeling like I'm running in circles trying to help him get a handle on his mad and eventually end up using a distraction to give him some time to calm down and then talk about it later. But HEY! we might be able to work THROUGH the anger with this! And just to warn you, WHEN it works, I'm going to want to kiss you! ;-)
So I tried this tonight--couldn't remember most of it, of course, and while I did remember that "why" was not okay, I struggled to not say, "What did you do that for?" which is just the same thing with a What. BUT--I did get to ask him to tell me what had happened, and how he had responded, and if that had worked like he wanted it to, and (since he said no) what else might have worked better. He said, "I don't know!" Then literally a minute later, walked downstairs, crawled into his Daddy's lap, and apologized for all the mean stuff he'd said. It felt so great, because I didn't lecture and I didn't direct, and he got himself unstuck! Thank you!
Oh and hey, wading through the magical milk pics to find this post also reminded me that when my six year old daughter, part of our family for six months, half woke up sobbing with nightmares tonight, I stuck my finger in her mouth while I rocked her back to sleep, and she sucked on that thing like she was really going to get milk out of it. I've never had a baby, but it seemed like, well her family age is six months, and what would you do if a six month old woke up crying in the night, right? I just thought this might be a place I could share that little story, because I'm not sure lunch with coworkers is the right venue.
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