Friday, February 22, 2013
Sexuary - closer than when we started
I have had so many messages this month. Among them all I have laughed, cried, spewed coffee across my screen and nodded my head in agreement so much that it almost gave me whiplash. I have heard stories of renewed passion, painful infidelity, goals being set and shattered, little fights, big fights, rose petals getting stuck in ... some places, stories of the month starting out great and then going really sour, and many struggles with sexual dysfunction.
In my own home, I guess some would say we have "scaled back" this year. However, I think we actually dove into exactly what Sexuary is. We are dealing with some stuff this year. It's not one big thing, but several things that caused us to give this month a good solid consideration on what was most important. Ultimately, our goal was not to have more sex. It wasn't even to have better sex. This year, for us, the goal was to end the month closer than when we started. We have so many things going on right now that are pulling us from each other and sucking our time and energy. It's a year of clawing ourselves back together - whenever and however we can make that happen. And we are doing just that. Compared to last year? We can't. We can't even compare it to last year. Not even on the same planet. Life happened, as it does. We are shifting to meet the needs and demands.
And we are happy with it. We are not happy that things are hard right now and we are exhausted and our family has added complications. No, that doesn't thrill us. However, I am personally thrilled that we can look at each other after 17 years and say, "This is hard. This year, and this month, not much of anything is coming easy. It's one of many. We're going to have times like this. We can't predict some of this stuff. But we are still here. We are still making time for one another and we are being patient. This is a season."
We are ending the month closer than when we started.
You have one more week. You can still make that happen. Please pay close attention to how different these years have been for us. Meet yourself right where you are. Meet your lover right where they are. And end this month closer than when you started.
I'll leave you with some more feedback from others who are doing their darndest in this Sexuary thing:
"Our sex life has had our ups and downs like anyone's sex life, but damn we are having some amazing sex this month. It's really bringing us even closer. Also this may have been said several times this month, 'I don't care what shenanigans and antics the kids pull, and there are always antics, we will have sex tonight!'"
"Thank you for sharing your story about depression, non sex days and journey to recovery. It was so inspiring! I still struggle with depression but taking steps to healing. Hooping was my first step."
"When we are happy, we have lots of sex, when we aren't, we still have more than most people. Lately, though, like the last six months and since venturing into [polyamory], we have mostly been dealing with pain and my anxiety and misunderstandings and lack of trust. We have distinctly different love languages (I am doing things for others and gifts, [he] is spending time and words of affirmation). This has caused a lot of confusion and hurt when we are so vulnerable now, and we can't hear each other love each other. So, we have been pushing each other away to a point where neither of us wants to show the other that we love them or can really accept the other's love because we are so hurt and the trust is broken. It's a vicious cycle, and no one wants to make the first move to fix it. So, we decided for Sexuary that we will "fake it 'til we make it" and do the following:
1. Five or more times a week, we will do something to love the other person in OUR love language and articulate clearly that this is what we are doing when we do it. This shows the other person what it looks like to give love in a way that will be easily understood.
2. Five or more times a week, we will do something to love the other person in THEIR love language and articulate clearly that this is what we are doing when we do it. This shows them that we can express our love for them in a way that they know how to receive it, even if it is not easy or does not come naturally to us.
3. Every evening, we will discuss how Sexuary is going, what is working, not working for us.
Our hope is that good sex will naturally follow and that we will get plenty of that as a side benefit to repairing the trust and affection in our marriage."
"Massage. Who knew?"
"My husband and I rushed to get on board with sexuary and it has opened up or communication levels. He honestly was surprised that I brought this to his attention and that I wanted to become closer again."
For those who have not been keeping up, you can follow along with Jackie and Dane. They chose to do something completely outside of their box. Twenty-eight days of fetishes. They are chronicling it at "Sexuary - Our Daily Journal." There is explicit sexual language and some activities that some may find outside of their comfort zone. However, it is also full of intimate honesty and a vulnerability that has reminded me of how similar we all are. We all have passion and fear and love and unspoken expectations. "While we have gone to an extreme, the challenge could apply to all. Talk, communicate, and become more intimate with your partner during the following 28 days." Yeah, they totally get it.
"Scene: 3 year old having hard time night potty training. We decided to try waking him up 2x/night to go to the bathroom. 1st wake up - peed the bed. Damn! 2nd wake up - peed the bed again. Damn!
I tended to first wake up, hubby tended to second wake up. Both of us frustrated, angry, tired and taking it out on each other. Silent blame. Heavy sighs that say it's your fault. 3 year old shouting through monitor every few minutes, "I don't want these crackers."
Hubby says, "this sucks."
Aside: Normally we would have slept facing the opposite direction... wait, we would not have slept, we would have been wide awake, pretending we were asleep and pissed off at each other filtering into the morning and day.
Back to story... I decided to try something different. This was super hard for me. [insert giggle...he was really hard]. I reached down and stroked him, then totally just going for it, proceeded to "suck". [insert second giggle here... "this sucks" comment].
Long story short: Sexuary happened.
Moral: I turned grumpies into humpies. Hubby said the diversion was like "sexual kung fu."
Now that's a happy ending. [insert another giggle]