Thursday, February 28, 2013
Sexuary - when it all just goes ka-plooey
Hey, you there! Yes, the person who wrote me off and on the first week of February and I haven't heard from you since. Yeah, you.
And you over there. The one who had never had sex for three days straight, but set a goal for weekly sex. And you made it one week. Sorta. Even that was a bad night.
Oh, yup. And you guys. The couple who had the biggest fight of their lives and both of you pulled up my face on your laptops and spit on me. Don't ask me how I know, but I know.
Let's not forget the gal who not only didn't turn "grumpies into humpies," but was ready to receive assault charges by throwing dog barf in her husband's face. Okay, so maybe even I encouraged her to do so after hearing her story. Some days simply have to be a rain check for the humpies.
I know you're there! I hear your silence! Do you know why? Because every single year in Sexuary, something has gone ka-plooey for us, too. Even this year. Maybe even ... especially this year. Do you have any idea just how much we fought last year, while having sex 31 days in a row? A LOT! There was one week that I wondered if we fought more than we had sex. This year we had a week that went full-on k.a.-p.l.o.o.e.y.
We can make a plan for intimacy and sex, but we can't make a plan for the life happening around it. Sometimes, once our plans get bumped, we have an even greater difficulty trying to get back in the game. This entire subject is more challenging and more intimate than any other we face (my opinion, but I'd be willing to put money on it). It can turn everything on a dime. It goes well, and it can be our best day ever. It goes south, and it can easily take days or weeks before finding our way back from it. Because it's challenging. And intimate. You put yourself in the most vulnerable of states, and it doesn't take much at all to tank that.
I have learned more from Sexuary, not from when it was easy, but from when it was painfully difficult.
I have learned the control I allow my emotions to have over my body and my reactions.
I have learned I have my own areas of weakness where I am embarrassingly reactionary.
I have learned my body - the parts I adore and the parts that frustrate me.
I have learned what I love.
I have learned that the things I love change and shift and grow and fade.
I have learned I am stubborn and sometimes selfish.
I have learned I am guilty of expecting my partner to read my mind.
I have learned my body is changing with each passing year.
I have learned I have more control over participating in sex than I ever used to want to admit.
I have learned I once got really good at making excuses without there ever being any intent to work through them.
I have learned that I still go there.
Sexuary continues to remind me: I am fully human and I am fully sexual.
Sometimes it all just goes ka-plooey.
So, now what?