Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Sexuary 2014 - The Year of Me

February is almost here.

This will be my final year of Sexuary.  It certainly will not be the last time I promote this annual idea or encourage you to participate somehow.  I plan to spend every February focused on my sexuality.  It has been life-changing for me.  I just feel I've said all I can say, and now I will simply direct everyone to previous posts and say, "Have at it!"

"I know people are better parents to their children, and better presidents of nations when they have a healthy, fully expressed sexuality."  - Amy Jo Goddard

I could not agree more.  That quote perfectly explains why I have bothered to write so many posts and sink so much time into Sexuary every year.  Too many of us are walking around trying to help our friends, family or children feel whole and perfect as they are, while we are feeling broken.

I believed I was broken.  For many years, I truly believed something was wrong with me.  I started Sexuary years ago because I was trying to be better and do better for my husband.  I felt like a failure as a spouse and as a woman.  While the first few years were written through that lens, and the focus was on what I could do for my partner to enhance our sex life, things shifted.  When I finally turned inward and focused on myself, the changes in me were radical.

In finishing this series, I have spent a long time trying to determine what my theme would be. I have relived every email, phone call and Facebook message over the last six years.  People have shared with me some of their greatest joys and deepest aches and struggles.  As I remembered all of these words, I coupled them with my own experience.  Through it, I easily landed on what I believe the focus should be:

I have been guilty of writing in this series, saying I have many times used my husband's eyes as a mirror for myself.  For my beauty and sexuality.  I have said things like, "When I don't feel beautiful, I look at how he looks at me."  That felt good and right at the time.  It made sense to me and felt wonderful and positive.  However ...

... when I know better, I do better.

A woman named Debra recently reflected this lesson in an online discussion.  This is a change I have made, but feel like it should be an absolute focus this year.

"I don't want my daughter (or myself or any other woman, for that matter) living her life through someone else's standards and someone else's expectations."

The truth is the people in my life who love me deeply and wholly are still human.  They are not always capable of expressing that love through words and eyes and physical contact.  It is wonderful when they do.  It feels amazing.  To quote myself: "In reality, if our self-esteem is only based on others and the things that happen to us, then it's really not true, positive self-esteem."  You see, I am beautiful and sexy and whole no matter how anyone looks at me or speaks to me, ever.

To get to that point, however, takes some very deliberate work.  Sometimes we are the very people speaking hurt and lies to our own hearts.  That will be the focus this year.

I have a closed Facebook group for Sexuary 2014 (now closed to new members), where people can stop by and talk about how they are building their external Fricka-Frackin Locus of Control (my very scientific description).  This will only be a place for working on ourselves, not posting sexual goals we might have with a partner.  I will give ideas and suggestions on things you might consider throughout the month.

And, as always, if the best thing for you this year is to set a sexual goal with your partner, then do it!  With vigor!  Tell me about it.  Create a fun little challenge with another couple.  Some of you have already started and are setting your own bar very high.  As is the spirit of Sexuary every year, tailor-fit it to your life, your situation and your circumstances.  It is for everyone.

See you soon.

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