Sunday, March 02, 2014

Maybe it wasn't what you were expecting

I just had the best Sexuary of the six years I've been doing this.

I started Sexuary (Sexperiment) because I had spent most of my life trying and opening up to things that might improve my sex life.  Because, ummmm ... it would be stupid not to, right?  That makes sense.

However, I was doing it because I thought I was broken.  I wanted to be like the women who wanted sex all the time.  I wanted to want sex.

I wanted to be a guy (although, yes, even plenty of men struggle with what they think their sex drive should look like).

I wanted to fix me.  But I wanted to fix me for my husband.  I wanted to be a better wife.

Now, I don't have a problem with doing things to be a better partner or a better friend or a better mother.  Those are all good.  But over the last few years I have discovered just how important it is to be a better me, before I can do any of those other things.  If I don't love me, I can still go through the motions and do the right/good things, but they bring about no internal growth.

I had to make it about me.

While most of the posts over the years have been about sex with a partner, I was simultaneously doing my own internal work.  It was deeply personal.  Many times painful.  Often empowering and amazing.  Not the kind of thing you want to share with the world while you are working through it.  So, this year was the ideal time to encourage others to try the same.

Several years I have had people admit that they "hide" Sexuary from their partners, because they don't want to set sexual goals.  Or they just get depressed because they are single or in a sexless marriage.  Or gay/lesbian/bi in a heterosexual marriage.  Or they just plain hate sex.

They many times echo what I have felt:  "I am broken."

I was not broken.  I am not broken.  You are not broken.

But a lot of us get into a routine of regularly not stating our needs, or seeking out solutions.  And that's what this year was about.  It was a year to be brave and peel back very scary layers.  Look at what was underneath.  Dare to have really terrifying conversations not knowing what the other person would feel or say ... but having the conversation anyway because it was the best thing for you to do for yourself.

It's hard to post that in a way to help you understand what I saw this year.  I can never capture the amount of vulnerability and bravery I witnessed in such a diverse way from such a diverse group of people.  It wasn't just the people in our Facebook group, but plenty of you out there sending in emails and writing about the big, scary, amazing ways you were finally taking care of you.  And being honest with yourself and those you love.  Finding answers.  Negotiating.  Hearing your voice continue even if it was shaking.

So many of you "got" it.  Stating your needs and asking for things to change, or for compromise, is not being a bad partner.  It's being a person of worth and value and treating yourself with just as much compassion and respect as you do for others.

While I will not be writing posts throughout February in the future, that month will forevermore be Sexuary for me.  And I hope it will be for you, too.  I have a feeling I will do a private group each year, where people can have a similar experience.  We'll all need it at different times for different reasons.

Who says your big, brave thing has to happen in February?  Do it this week.  Next month.

You are worth it.

1 comment:

MammaT said...

Christine, Thank you for this month, next month, and hopefully many more months to come.
(Also, just a thought, maybe could you hold off shutting down until Tuesday because I thought you had said people could post through tomorrow and, well, it's hard, and the harder it is, the more we need it.)