Comments on welcome to my brain . net: What open adoption is NOT

Oh, this post is awesome. You are awesome, Christi...

2006-07-05T20:02:00.000-05:00

Oh, this post is awesome. You are awesome, Christine. I've been interested in open adoption for years, and you are right - it is not easy, it is not about blaming or being the hero - but healthy relationships and self-esteem for one's child.

*sigh* I am so inspired.

What a great post. I'm blogging and linking to you...

2006-06-19T15:41:00.000-05:00

What a great post. I'm blogging and linking to your article (set to post June 27th) Thanks!!!

Thanks for the informative post - it helped me und...

2006-06-08T20:37:00.000-05:00

Thanks for the informative post - it helped me understand open adoptions in a new way.

Hi. You're beautiful.

Thanks, Lana, for int...

2006-06-06T10:10:00.000-05:00

Hi. You're beautiful.

Thanks, Lana, for introducing us!

I'll have to direct dh to this post. We were talki...

2006-06-03T21:58:00.000-05:00

I'll have to direct dh to this post. We were talking about open adoption recently and he said the idea scared him and brought up many of the myths. I am all for it because I've never known my father and I know firsthand how hard that is!

What a nie post. The part about your daughter find...

2006-06-01T15:19:00.000-05:00

What a nie post. The part about your daughter finding out why her birth mother gave her up brought tears to my eyes! You children, all of them, are blessed to have you.

Christine,

I'm glad that you'll let your da...

2006-06-01T09:11:00.000-05:00

Christine,

I'm glad that you'll let your daughter lead in this area. We have much the same "rule" for when Munchkin is able to voice her opinion on whether visits are good or bad. Thankfully, since D is such an awesome Mom in general, should Munchkin decide that she DOESN'T want contact with me for awhile, D has promised updates just so I don't worry.

I know there will come a time when Munchkin wants her space and while it will hurt, of course, I'll afford her that. I've always had her best interest at heart and, darn it, I'll follow through no matter the cost to me!

That is a tragic story. Parents should definitely...

2006-06-01T08:14:00.000-05:00

That is a tragic story. Parents should definitely let their children lead in that area when they are old enough. For instance, my daughter asks to call her birthmom and see her. However, it will always be her decision. I assume there will be times she will not want to be at her home (just like there will be times she might not want to bring friends to her own home).

We will have adoption stories prepared ahead of time for our child: A, B, and C. If a stranger asks a question about her being adopted (it's obvious because we are different races), she can just let me know how she is feeling that day. If it's an "A" day, then she doesn't mind us talking about it and sharing details. "C" would mean that I politely say, "That is her private information, but we appreciate your interest."

We will also talk ahead of time about her relationship with birth family. We will give her permission to choose based on how she is feeling about herself and her birth family as she grows. It's so important to give your adopted child PERMISSION to feel ... whatever! We will also talk with her birth family about this as she grows, so that everyone understands she is not denying any of us, but working through her grief in her own way. We have to expect her to feel that way.

Excellent point. Our agency provides ongoing counseling for anyone in the adoption triad, so that is something that we can all utilize throughout her life, as well.

You obviously love your children very much and are...

2006-05-31T23:50:00.000-05:00

You obviously love your children very much and are actively trying to give them the best life possible. My adoptive parents were the same. Yet, being the child in an open adoption was horrid for me. I hope you wont mind me putting into words what I felt.

I felt very much a part of my adoptive family. However, when we had to visit or talk about the birth family it made me die inside. I never said that to my parents. I felt that it was being pointed out and talked about the fact that I didn't belong. When we went to visit and the birth family, who were much less affluent and didn't have our values, it felt like a reflection of me. I felt that the adults were pointing out and exposing the dirty poor girl who lived inside of me and it was traumatic and awful. Yet, I never complained. I just felt like dying.

I couldn't analyze my psyche and tell my parents that I was being torn apart and humiliated. My child's mind worked in a very different way than my adult mind. I needed to feel included with my adopted family as a child. My very good friend who grew up with me and was adopted as well, he didn’t meet or get to know his birth family until he was in his 30’s. He never felt like an outsider in his home as a child and he has a great relationship with the birth family now, when he is old enough to not understand it.

Thanks for sharing this info with your viewers...v...

2006-05-31T13:40:00.000-05:00

Thanks for sharing this info with your viewers...very interesting!

Jenna,

Thanks for the input. I've made cor...

2006-05-31T13:10:00.000-05:00

Jenna,

Thanks for the input. I've made corrections to that affect!

Although I have not experienced an adoption, I am ...

2006-05-31T09:39:00.000-05:00

Although I have not experienced an adoption, I am forever curious about the process. Thanks for sharing this, I never really knew what an open adoption meant for both sides.

Well, bless you! Good, thorough discussion on what...

2006-05-31T09:37:00.000-05:00

Well, bless you! Good, thorough discussion on what OA is and isn't. That said, I just have one teensy problem.

This goes for birth parents, as well. You have rights. If an agency does not support those rights, find a new agency. Find someone who provides thorough counseling for you and the adoptive family. If you feel like they are trying to "talk you into adoption," walk away. You need professionals who can guide you through the realities of parenting, so that adoption is your choice only after you have investigated your ability to parent your child.

It's hard for an expectant Mother (not birthmother since she hasn't yet signed the TPR) to realize when she's being taken for a ride. Why? She's never been down this road (if it is the first time she's placed.) It's often said that you don't know how to be a firstmother until you are one and, hand in hand with that, you don't know how to place a child, deal with an agency or demand respect until... sometimes, it's too late. My agency? Screwed me over AND the adoptive family. Thankfully we're both great families and survived their atrocities. But others just aren't so lucky.

But definitely: don't cut corners. Best advice ever. :)