Comments on welcome to my brain . net: Yingy and Yangy

Thanks again, Christine. As others have said, so m...

2009-12-19T17:32:49.928-06:00

Thanks again, Christine. As others have said, so much of what you share about your parenting is universally helpful for all of us whose children challenge us.

I think you should take that last comment and make a whole post of it for those who might have missed it.

Hmmm, there's some stuff there to chew on. Th...

2009-12-19T16:26:06.832-06:00

Hmmm, there's some stuff there to chew on. Thanks for taking the time, and yes, it did make sense. I'll think about what you've said. Blessings to you, Amazing mother!

The practice thing goes for every situation - as w...

2009-12-19T15:56:04.970-06:00

The practice thing goes for every situation - as well as letting your kids hold you accountable.

Have you read "Beyond Consequences?" It's not one of my favorite books (not necessarily because I don't like the approach, but I don't like the incessant marketing approach of Bryan Post). Anywho, it makes you stop and ask yourself, "WHY do have I have this response when my kid does X-Y-Z?"

One of my kids can scream that I'm a horrible mom, and I can keep my cool easily. I know I'm a great mom. I know their history. I know that is a fear response. Yet, if someone steals something as tiny as a cracker, my insides start to WIG OUT! My emotional response is off the charts.

I had to dig very deep into that. It was easy to say, "Well, of course I would freak out - I don't want my kids to become criminals!" Maybe. But for me, the deeper reason was because I was the one who felt out of control. If I cannot trust my kids to walk through a room without taking something of MINE, then I start to get palpitations. I start to overreact.

That kind of thinking and internal work has helped my calm to be genuine. However, most of my calm was NOT genuine for a very long time. The best advice I ever heard was, "When your kids are acting nuts-o, do the opposite of what you feel like doing."

That tiny little sentence has made a massive impact on me. I have never, ever FELT like being calm when I have a child describing how they want to bash my teeth in with a hammer, or asking nonsense questions for 12-hours straight.

Never.

I WANT to scream and make a devil face, and perhaps roar a little bit. So, I go CRAZY opposite. I get very quiet. I immediately think about lifting those eyebrows and brightening my face. I move or sit so that I am in a much more vulnerable spot in comparison to them (never stand over them with arms crossed, etc.)

I truly believe that my feelings during those times are nothing compared to the severity of what our children are feeling. And if I can't make the choice and do it, I can never expect them to. By practicing and deciding and DOING it, I have been better able to teach THEM how to do it.

Did that make sense? I'm trying to type this while my mother-in-law is entertaining my kids ... it's slightly loud and chaotic in here!

Yeah, I had read that "Yelling is not Okay&qu...

2009-12-19T15:24:53.554-06:00

Yeah, I had read that "Yelling is not Okay" post and I get that. I don't yell at my kids very often, though we do have 'intense' discussions if you know what I mean. What I don't know how to do is avoid the emotional response of anger that I have when my kids are being wienies. Alot of the time, they are giving attitude in such a way that I can't put my finger on it so doing anything about it is difficult. that is what is most frustrating for me. The practicing sounds like a good idea, though I have to admit that how to do that is somewhat overwhelming in itself. Do I sound like I'm just making excuses? I'm afraid I do.

Ursula, hop up three comments - that's how I d...

2009-12-19T14:43:43.962-06:00

Ursula, hop up three comments - that's how I do it.

I also have a post on here somewhere called "Yelling is Not Okay" that gives the process I used to stop with all the said yelling, several years ago.

Wow, Christine! I have two RADishes and one.....s...

2009-12-19T13:13:32.739-06:00

Wow, Christine! I have two RADishes and one.....something. And one normal child (they have issues of their own though don't they!) I want to come and live with you and observe how you do this. I really struggle to not get angry myself. I admire you so much. Have you always been able to react this way to RAD kids?

The roller coast HAS been dramatic latley here too...

2009-12-18T09:51:41.039-06:00

The roller coast HAS been dramatic latley here too. I am on my way to a one hour massage right now. Great job explaining

I love your long posts, so keep em coming. They a...

2009-12-18T09:32:18.941-06:00

I love your long posts, so keep em coming. They are sooooo helpful, and you are a total inspiration.

domestic, I practice. Like - seriously. In the s...

2009-12-18T08:35:23.468-06:00

domestic, I practice.

Like - seriously.

In the shower, in the car, lying in bed. I practice scenarios in my head. I make them out as miserably as I can, and then I practice my reaction.

Just like NBA players who sit for hours and just imagine making the shot over and over and over and over.

I don't have a RAD child either, but my son ha...

2009-12-18T07:01:49.508-06:00

I don't have a RAD child either, but my son has other issues and can be explosive. I love coming here for inspiration. I want to know how you can always be some calm and therapeutic in the moment. Oh, man, I want to be consistent with that.

I wonder if Mar realizes your faithful blog reader...

2009-12-17T22:17:40.610-06:00

I wonder if Mar realizes your faithful blog readers WIN also when we get to hear what is going on and what you all are working through together. I know I win (and my kids and family do too) when I learn more about RAD and your successes with therapeutic parenting. Thank you Mar and Christine!!!!

You sound like an awesome mom. I came here via Cor...

2009-12-17T21:41:56.120-06:00

You sound like an awesome mom. I came here via Corey's place and really appreciate you sharing your story! On to read more~!
Beecher

Christine- Thank you, Thank you for the intimate d...

2009-12-17T21:17:02.675-06:00

Christine-
Thank you, Thank you for the intimate details of your daily life! Having two "rad"ishes myself it reminds me that I am not alone and helps me to see there is someone else out there doing the same hard work as my boys. It gives me hope for healing to come. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!!
Christina

Corey, she has her own room. It no longer has a d...

2009-12-17T17:33:28.177-06:00

Corey, she has her own room. It no longer has a door alarm, but it is still very, very bare. She has earned all of this.

However, for a VERY long time, she would spend that time behind an alarmed door. She was more than welcome to rip the room to shreds. She had to live with whatever she did (and that included any bugs which would come to visit through any holes she created, etc.). I always kept a packed backpack for running away, and reminded her what would happen if she baled out a window (call the police and call for pizza!).

Anywho, I didn't have to trust her. I made her room a place where she could be crazy cakes. I still got a break. If she decides to regress back to those days, then on goes the alarm and out goes the bed frame!

I seriously french kissed that door alarm on occasions. It gave me the ability to pee and KNOW WHERE SHE WAS! Didn't care what she was doing in there, as long as I didn't hear a ding!

Great job, Christine (as always, love.) One quest...

2009-12-17T17:27:24.109-06:00

Great job, Christine (as always, love.) One question about hanging out on the bed.. how do you trust her?! Or do you have a video monitor? It is rare that Vivi is away from me, because I'm certain that she IS planning my demise.

Love it. Going to win tomorrow. Can't wait.

2009-12-17T17:22:14.573-06:00

Love it. Going to win tomorrow. Can't wait.

i want you to know that even though I don't ha...

2009-12-17T17:15:31.045-06:00

i want you to know that even though I don't have RAD affected children I still learn so much through your methods.

it helps me to think outside the box and i love thinking outside the box.

thank you for the long posts....i appreciate them.

love you- britt

I love your long posts. They are a joy to read. I...

2009-12-17T16:24:12.212-06:00

I love your long posts. They are a joy to read.

I don't have a RADish child but I can tell you I'm filing things away for when she is older. You have a great way of sharing your parenting techniques that apply universally.

You really GET your kids Christine. It's awesome.

Hi Christine, I rarely (if ever!) have commented o...

2009-12-17T15:09:37.281-06:00

Hi Christine, I rarely (if ever!) have commented on your blog - but wanted to tell you that I am so thankful for parents like you! I know too many kids who need parents who understand how to look beyond the behavior - There are too few! Enjoy your "win" today!